Phase one, complete. On to Phase 2.

Bee and I have spent the last several months in some serious talks. After the great sadness, we needed to put out on the table where we were in our relationship and where we wanted to be. We needed to get serious, and honest, and make sure we were both in agreement as to where we wanted to end up. This brought up my feelings of angst toward the fact that we have been together going on 3 years, live together, share money and bills, and yet, while I am promised marriage and a baby, time ticks by. At 30 (31 in less than a month), that ticking is mind blowingly loud.

Bee means well. He wants to do those things. Heck, he has a laundry list of things he wants to do. However, he putzes. He takes his time. He is in no hurry. Which, for the most part is fine in every other aspect of his "to do" list (although, I would REALLY like to be able to park my car in the garage, have all the light bulbs that need to be changed that require a ladder and tools, changed, and after 2 years, finally have my dryer hooked up to the vent so it dryes in ONE cycle, not 15.), except for the whole Marriage and Baby thing.

However, since Bee has been snipped, for us to have a baby, we will require the help of medical professionals. One time, about 6 months ago when I brought up the fact, he told me to go ahead and make us an appointment to talk to someone. Now, I didn't take him seriously for several reasons.

1. He was playing his xbox and he was getting annoyed that I was breaking his concentration. His tone was dismissive.
2. I have learned in my life never to take a man seriously about these things until there is at LEAST a ring on my finger.

I figured, when he got off his ass and proposed, we planned and executed the wedding, THEN I would make the appointment.

About a month ago, we were having dinner. A nice, quiet dinner out, just the two us of. He brought up selling his truck and what he would do with the money (football stuff). I suggested maybe save it for a wedding, and a baby that was going to require money to make happen. This started a heated discussion that resulted in me crying, and our dinner ruined, and me feeling like an ass. Now, while my points were valid, he had some too. Like, wanting to surprise me, and the more I talked about it and pressured him as to when?when?when?when?now?now?now?, the less I would be surprised and I was being a jerk. He also mentioned that he was waiting on ME to make the doctor's appointments. Get the ball rolling. We can get it started, find out how much time we will need to save etc, and then that way we can get married, and be READY to get pregnant.

I am not saying that it didn't make sense, because it did. However, it just goes to show he needs to communicate WAY better. I still think the baby issue should not determine his proposal, but whateves. It's how his brain has processed the timeline, therefore, that's how it is going to be. This much I have learned from being with Bee. Everything has it's proper place on his timeline. I'm ok with that. I also felt like a jerk because he was hurt that I would think that he would tell me to make an appointment to get the ball started on having a baby, something that he knows means so much to me, only to not be 100% completely serious and ready. To that, all I could say is that while you shouldn't live in your past, if you don't learn from it, it will only repeat itself in your future.

So, here we are. I have no doctors. I haven't seen a doctor, other than a clinic doctor last year when I had a sinus infection, in the last 6 years. I live an hour away from any doctor I have seen in the past, so I started fresh. I found a general practitioner and made an appointment. It was last Wednesday. He is a really nice man and I liked him a lot. From my examination, he said I am healthy as an ox, however I couldn't get my blood work done that day, so we'll know more on the 4th when I go and get that done. He also gave me the name of an OBGYN, who I see on the 4th. After I meet with her, I will ask her what Bee and I need to do about getting pregnant. I am assuming she will refer us to a specialist, but we will see. Ideally, we would like to have a baby that is biologically both of ours. I read where they can take a needle (Bee is thrilled) and go right into his no-no-boy-parts, and take the sperm out (editors note: If you are asking yourself, why doesn't he just get it reversed, the answer is that he had the super-ultra-mega-never-gonna-have-kids-again snippy surgery where they removed part of the tuby thing and burned it closed. Not to mention, reversals are only effective 40% of the time and that's IF you get it done within 4 years of the original. It's been 9 for him). If that doesn't work, or is too insanely expensive, we are planning on using a donor. (As in, from a sperm bank, not someone we know).

I am hoping and praying this can all be done relatively easily and not cost us an arm and a leg. Bee's niece was in the same situation. Her new husband has two kids from a previous marriage and was snipped. They went the donor route (I don't know if they opted out of the above method, or didn't know about it) and it cost them $750 after 2 tries. We can swing that. We can not swing $10-$20 grand, which is what some couples pay for infertility treatments. I am praying! We should know more after November 4th :)

A whole lotta nothin!

There was supposed to be a football game up in Detroit that Bee was going to play in this weekend. It got canceled. So, that meant, we had the WHOLE weekend with NO PLANS! As an added benefit, Thursday I was handed an check from my boss and a big "thank you for being you" extra bonus that was GREATLY needed in the Monkee/Bee household. Bee and I decided it was going to be a family weekend of togetherness!

Friday night I came home and we waited for J to get done playing Tennis with her friends. Then we loaded up in my car and hit up some Steak and Shake! Little man immediately donned his hat and got to work on building his kids meal car!

After a delicious meal, we headed over to Gander Mountain, because nothing says "family" like Deer urine, guns, and hunting supplies! After that, we headed home. It was already close to 10pm, so the kids went to bed (their choice) and Bee and I stayed up and caught up on some of our shows.

Saturday, we got up early and hung out. I ran some errands, and when I got home, Bee informed me we were going to a Turkey Shoot that started at noon. It was 11am, so I hurried to get ready. We left somewhere in the neighborhood of 1pm and when we got there, they told us it was over (I kept saying, "If it starts at NOON, we should be there at NOON). It was right up the street at Mr. Lee's which is quickly becoming our favorite little spot to hang at. We stayed for some food, and a visit with our friend who met us up there, and then parted way. Them to the outdoor store, and us to the Auto Parts store to get stuff to change my breaks, and my oil. We came home, did the aforementioned things, and then came inside for movie night! We are a strange family, to say the least, so the movies we watched were Smokey and the Bandit, and Inception. Little Man, who is 8, was thoroughly intrigued by the latter. We hit the hay shortly after, enjoying the comfort of my bed after a long day.

view from the back window at Mr. Lee's.

Sunday, we hung around the house mostly. Around 1:30, Bee surprised me and loaded me up in the car and off we went. He took me shooting! Now, I have shot a gun before, but the guy I was with handed me a loaded gun and said "point it that way" and motioned toward the target. That was it. I actually ended up hurting my hand because he wouldn't show me proper form. Anyway, we shot Bee's .22, his .357, and his AK-47! I did the best with the .22, but I wasn't exactly a slouch with the .357. As for the AK, I couldn't get the proper form right, so it was uncomfortable and I shot like crap. Oh well, next time! Afterwards, we grabbed Wendy's and sat inside and just talked and laughed :) We went home and watched the Steelers win, before I went to the store for groceries, and then I came home, made lunches, and shortly there after, we went to bed. It was a great weekend! I need to enjoy the slow pace while I can. Both of the younger kids are in Basket Ball this year and that starts November 14th!

Bee shooting the .357

Me shooting the .357

Givin the AK some love

Well, I think Mr. Target man is dead!

Love is...

I am the youngest of my friends, for the most part. My boyfriend is 41, and therefore, most of his friends are his age or older. Some of his friends are married and have been for 20 years. This used to give me such hope, however, over the last 2 months...I have began to think that the outlook for love is bleak.

First, Bee and I had the "great sadness". I am still dealing with that, although, it does get easier. Then, for some reason, it seems that I all of a sudden am the person all of his friends are coming to with their marital woes. Several couples we know are talking divorce. All of them have been married for at least 12 years. All of them seem happy. It really kind of bums me out. It's never "big" issues causing trouble, either. I could understand a death of a child, or infidelity. While both of those can be worked through, most people can not get past them, and they move on. No, these are things like, "She never cleans the house anymore." and "He never asks how my day was". Or even "he/she won't have sex with me anymore". I totally understand that those little things turn into big things. When you feel like no one cares, or that what you do on a daily basis doesn't matter, you start to check out.

I think about Bee and I. We have only been together now, workin on three years. We have already had one giant boulder put in our way. I almost gathered my things and parted company. Almost. I had been feeling taken advantage of. Unappreciated. Tired. Stressed out. Then the Great Sadness happened, and I was done. But as I held my Bee as he sobbed in my arms and begged me not to go, he said, "what ever happened to "no matter what"?"  That struck a chord with me. I always tell him I love him, "no matter what". In fact, I have told him several times that I wanted to stand in a church, in front of God and all of our friends and family and commit myself to him till death do us part. Now, here I was standing with him in front of a huge murther-furking boulder that granted, HE put there,  but I was ready to let go of his hand and walk away forever.

I thought about that long and hard. Sure. There are times when enough is enough and you walk away. Everyone is different too, and while Bee and I have had our share of struggles (as does everyone), there were minor. This was the first time a real challenge had presented itself. I was going to walk away and not even try. If I had walked away, no one would have blamed me, or thought less of me. Even Bee. However, I would have. He loves me and I love him. He was begging for me to at least TRY and move past that boulder together. I accepted and the next several weeks (and even now, still) we are working like crazy to repair the damage and move on. Thus far, we have done a great job. I am convinced that provided what caused the "great sadness" doesn't happened again, we can get through anything together.

I started thinking about my parents. I've realized that either they are pro's at this and never disagree, never fight, never hurt one another, or they are just better at hiding it from the world haha! They made it seem super easy, and I am learning it is NOT.  I have always thought, you meet someone, you date, you get married, and that's it. The relationship is easy. If it's not, then you probably married the wrong person! (Yeah, it was like I was raised by Leave it to Beaver) However, that is so not the case. It's daily work. Yet, soo many people feel the same way. The last few months have taught me some things..

1- You have to always be listening. Your partner might want to express/tell you something, but doesn't know how.

2- On the flip side, SPEAK UP! Your partner is not a mind reader, so if they don't know what's wrong with you, or notice, TELL THEM. Don't punish them for not reading your mind. COMMUNICATION IS SO IMPORTANT!

3- Do your fair share. That goes for around the house, with the kids, in the bedroom.

4- Ya know how tired and run down you feel by the end of the day? Your partner does too. Keep it in mind before you bark orders at them or start complaining.

5- You are not more important.

6- Talk about everything. They are your partner. They want to help shoulder the burden. Don't shut them out.

7- Laugh. Do something fun! Money is ALWAYS tight, but sometimes, it's worth spending that extra $40 if it breathes a little life back into your boring routine.



In the end, every relationship is salvageable. Just remember why you fell in love with them in the first place, and be willing to do the work it takes to get back to that place!! :)

I'm tired...

So you get a list :)

- This weekend was super crazy. We had overlapping football games, Homecoming,  a candle party, and some drama all rolled into one weekend. I'm tired. So. Very. Tired.

- Bee lost his game. They played well, fought hard, but still didn't win. Oh well. We are going this weekend to play for the team that beat us in a championship game.

- C lost her game too. It looked more like water polo instead of football. We stayed until the 3rd quarter, but then had to go. Her coach called and said she got hurt again. Same ankle and again had to be carried off the field. I took Monday off from work and took her to the Doctor finally. Nothing is broken, but it was a bad sprain. They put her in an air cast and gave her crutches. They also gave her Tylenol 3. After one pill, she seemed worlds better! Today she felt much better. That kid is such a trooper.

- J had Homecoming this weekend. I was really bummed I was not there. However Grandma Bee was there and she took some pictures for me :) J had a GREAT time. Her boyfriend, K bought her a pretty HAND PICKED bouquet of flowers, and got her a pretty corsage. Apparently, they had a blast and K dances "just like Michael Jackson! JUST LIKE HIM!"

- I had a "Pink Party" on Sunday. My friend sells Gold Canyon candles, and while I am NOT a fan of in-home parties like that (partylite, Lia Sophia, Tupperware etc), She got me because she was donating the proceeds to Cancer research. And, I like the Sugar Cookie Candle :) It was a success!

- Now for the drama. I hesitate putting this up here, only because it's weird and even embarrassing...however, the cause of it is something that Bee and I need to address. It also pisses me off because it's one more thing that the effing C-word of an ex is responsible for. At my Candle party, I told the ladies to bring their kids and their guys. Figuring, more would come if they knew everyone could come. Kids could play, husbands could watch football, etc. One of the other football moms came (a new friend) and brought her son who is C's age. They were all off playing, when the little boy came up and whispered something to his mom. She then pulled me aside. She was so uncomfortable and embarrassed looking. I thought maybe her son plugged up the toilet. Our upstairs toilet does that a lot. Especially when there are lots of people over, using it and considering Bee just unstopped it the night before, I thought that was it. However no....that was NOT it. How I wish it were..Apparently, her son was in Little Man's room. He knocked something over and it spilled on his shoe. It was a cup of "something". Little Man said it was water, but when the little boy told him it didn't smell like water, he confessed it was Pee. PEE! I went in and asked him about it. He told me it was water (which, they are NOT ALLOWED cups of ANYTHING in their rooms) I told him it didn't smell like water (it didn't..) in his room. He said it was "flavored water", I pressed him again and he finally told me. I.Hit.The.Roof. Who the hell does that?!

I pulled Bee aside and told him. HE hit the roof. Went in there and started yelling at him. Anyway, when the whole thing unfolded, in the middle of my candle party, apparently, Little Man has been peeing in a bucket (small bucket that his Easter Basket was in) in his room as well as a cup. the BUCKET got knocked over as well. He said he did it because he was afraid that when he went to use the bathroom upstairs at night that someone would break in and kill him. Really?! We have 14 (no lie) different firearms in our house. Ranging from a .22 pistol to a FREAKING AK-47. On top of that, we have 3 different cross bows. Plus a dog. She is geriatric, but she still would rip your face off if you came in uninvited. He knows this. He has seen the weapons. There has NOT been any break ins in the area. Nothing of ours has been stolen since Bee's ipod out of his truck almost 2 years ago when him and I were downtown. Where he got this idea, I don't know. By the looks of things, it's been going on for awhile. It comes down to his fear of separation. He has abandonment issues from when his mom left him suddenly at such a young age (he was 5) and now it's coming out as weird and unusual fears. C has them too. She is scared of the strangest things.

I told Bee that we need to get these kids in to see someone. A therapist or something. I have said this before. They have issues and fears, and things they don't want to talk about with him...mainly because he doesn't want to hear them because it still all cuts too deep for him. However, we need to do this NOW, while they are young and they  can work through it. Waiting will only make it worse. Cuz Peeing in a bucket in your room is straight up weird and uncalled for. :/ We'll see how that goes. Bee is not one to agreeing to see doctors very easily. :(

Randoms

We found him in the parking lot at work! Giant Snapping turtle!

My guy's truck at work

Family Fun Night part 2!

Well, Family Fun night 2011 was a success! We went as a family, and we had fun! Well, mostly :)

Bee would have rather been at home, resting, and J I think would have had more fun meeting her friend to play tennis, but overall, it was fun. Little Man got to watch a rocket launch...

My kid is the only one watching ;)

He got to go in an inflatable planetarium and see constellations...

Then, we went to the school cafeteria where there was a bouncy house that you had to take your shoes off, again, for. Good lord, does he have smelly feet!

Then, there was a craft table where they got to make alien hats and face painting as well!!

J made an awesome alien hat and got a star with a rainbow on her cheek!

My handsome guy chose a robot!

Meanwhile, Bee and I ran into our friends Rob and Amy. Bee was happy, because while the kids ran off and did their thang, I held the baby and talked to Amy while him and Rob did this..

Then, Olivia wanted to hang out with Uncle Mike

But what made it really special??? Spending the evening with these guys  :)

Family Fun Night!

My Loves. My Family

Every year, Little Man's School does a "Family Fun" Night. There is arts and or crafts, a bouncy house, perhaps some candy, a face painting booth, and some sort of community program. Last year it was a health fair put on by the local hospital system. Last year it was also just little man and I because J didn't want to go and C and Bee were at practice.

This year, he said he really wanted to go because they were having a visiting planetarium. It had limited space so you had to reserve your spot. It HAD to be super awesome if you have to make reservations, right?! Well, we agreed we would go again (he had a blast last year). I said I wanted the whole family to go this year. C is excited because she doesn't have practice and can go, and J said she would go too. Bee informed me this morning when I reminded him that HE had practice, but in a surprising change of events, said he would skip practice and go with us. That spoke volumes to me. :)

Anyway, I wonder what kind of fun we can have tonight :)

A Teachable moment..

C is 11 years old.

She is also very cynical when it comes to love.

When I say "love", I mean the kind between a man and a woman. The "Grown up kind." I guess I don't really blame her. She has seen the relationship between her parents disappear. Not only did it go away, but it went away  in a blaze of fire and hurtful words. In fact, neither one of them can say a nice thing about the other. Bee tries not to mention her at all...and when he does, it's never very nice (This isn't really at the kids. More like when he is talking with other adults, but he forgets C is always within earshot of her dad and she pays close attention to what he says) and her mom always laces everything she says with insults about Bee. Sometimes she disguises them so they don't outwardly seem like insults, but you are left with a feeling and a bad taste in your mouth.

C has also seen her uncle (Bee's youngest brother who got re-married in October last year) get divorced, most of her friends parents are single parent homes where there are boyfriends/girlfriends/cheating/mistresses, and most recently, the one couple she held high on a pedestal, the last true beacon of love and togetherness, Her Aunt Nicole and Uncle Jeff announced they are getting a divorce. This was a total shocker because they never showed signs of not being happy. They were the "perfect" couple. C took it hard. She cried and cried, and cried some more. Then she announced that she no longer believes in love between grown ups. She is never getting married because married people lie, cheat, and hurt each other and get divorced.

This broke my heart. I grew up in a stable loving home. My parents are still together. Most of my friends had that too. In fact, most of my friend's parents are still together too. I tried telling her that. I also told her how much I love her father. She didn't really seem to get it. Then, her mom wrote her a letter and made some sort of snide remark about the fact that Bee and I talked about marriage and how one day he stopped at the Wal-mart jewelry counter and asked what I thought about some of the rings. We had looked at one that was $189.00. C's mom thought that was hil-ar-ious that I could be "bought" with such a "cheap" ring. I have wanted to explain to C that situation, but didn't want her to know that I knew about what her mom said.

Then, last night we were on the way to practice and she was telling me about her friend M who used to live two houses down from us, then had to move unexpectedly. Apparently, M's mom was dating a guy named P. P lived in the house two doors down and had invited M and her mom to move in. All was well for about 6 months. Then surprise! This other lady shows up and P looks real uncomfortable. The other lady owned the house. P was HER boyfriend. She had gone to Ireland to care for her sick mother and left her loving boyfriend P to take care of the house (she was sending money too). Not only did P move in his girlfriend, but he was spending the money and not paying the bills. All three got kicked out of the house.

I looked at C and I said, "Listen. That proves my point. You go to school. You get good grades and learn a lot. Go to college and get a degree in something you love. Establish yourself. Take time to get to know yourself. Really get to know yourself and what you want. Then go for it. Settle for nothing less. Meet a wonderful man and settle for nothing less than the best. Make sure you love him, he treats you with love and respect. Marry the man who will give up doing something to opt for something that makes you happy when he knows you had a rough day. A man who will make your breakfast in bed because he wanted to let you sleep because you had a rough week. The man who works hard to provide for you and your family. Don't marry him because he asked, or because you live together and you feel like you should or because you have been together 5 years. Make sure it's real. Make sure it's right. You will feel it in your heart. Then you won't have fear. You won't have loneliness. You won't have doubt. Even if he gives you a $189.00 ring, as long as it's from the heart? None of that matters. If you pass the man who loves you through and through by because he doesn't have a lot of money, or he asked you to marry him with an inexpensive ring, or he didn't go to College, or he works a "blue collar" job, for a man who buys you a $5000 ring without blinking, and has a great job with great credentials, but doesn't really love you, then you will be unhappy and your marriage will fail....

I think I made my point :)

Like an Officer and a Gentleman....but different!

Last Saturday, C had her last regular season game of the year. She did well, however they still lost 27-0. It's been a rough season for our Storm black. We have had a lot of injuries. One kid broke his femur. Another his wrist. Another his ankle. And another had a concussion. C joined the ranks of the injured on Saturday in the middle of the 3rd quarter. Somehow.

She doesn't really remember how because it happened so fast, but she says she was going for a tackle, lost her cleat but kept running anyway. Next thing she knew, she was on the ground and in a whole lot of pain in her Ankle. They carried her off the field and she for sure got cleated on her shin, but the ankle swoll up and we are pretty sure it's a sprain. After the game was over, our beloved Coach Scott carried her to my car. Chivalry is not dead ;) She iced it the rest of the weekend and stayed off it as much as possible, but she says she is ready to go back tonight. Here's hoping!

he WAS in the Navy....just sayin ;)

Sitting in my thinking chair...

I have often thought about going to school. It is something I have kind of always wanted to do. Having a college education in something makes me think I might feel more...I don't know...well rounded. However, what should I go for? I mean, I have often sat and thought about what I have wanted to do as a career in the past. A Doctor? No. Not interested enough to go to school for that long. A nurse? meh. There are times when I really would like to go to school for this. However, it still takes 2-4 years of full time College, (longer if you go part time, which is what I would have to do) and then, because you are new, you get 3rd shift or all weekends someplace, and let's be honest...I'm too old and set in my ways for that. I could work in a doctors office, but to work my butt off that long in school to drone away in an office for slightly more than I make now just doesn't sound appealing. A Teacher? Well, this is the one thing that when I think about, I actually get excited. I would love to be a teacher. It would have to be 1st-5th grade because after that, I am just not good with that age group. I mean, I am, but I try to be their friend, which makes me look and feel even more old and un-cool. But then, my insecurities kick in. I would be in charge of shaping young minds. Preparing kids for the future. Sure, not all will become the next President, however, I would hate for some kid to struggle the following year because I didn't properly prepare them. Let's be honest, I am kind of a slacker at a lot of things. Hell, I should be working now, but I am typing this.

I am not interested at this point in my life to go to school for something just to have a fancy title, and a little bit more in my paycheck for them to tax. Sure, I could go for the big bucks, but the more money you make in a job usually requires more education, and I haven't the time or the money. Going to school would require more time away from my family, so it really needs to be something I enjoy. After talking about it with some friends, I've realized that what *I* really like to do is take pictures. However, more than that, I like to then "prettyfy" them. Make them black and white. Sepia. Add a cute border. Intensify the colors because what things look like in real life, sometimes look dull on film. I like doing that. I am always taking pictures on my sweet phone and using photo software (also on my phone. Technology these days...) However, what I really want is a fancy digital camera. The kind with the removable lenses. The kind that can get an action shot on a football field, from the stands, and make it look like you are right in the middle of the tackle. Those start at around $600.00 and can be as expensive at $10,000.00. The one I want is roughly $800.00. I have $55.00 saved. Hey, it's a start.

I would love to have a little studio where I can take pictures all day and sell them to magazines, sports teams, schools, whatever. Nothing big. Nothing that will make me super rich and famous, but I'd be happy with enough money to do it full time. I don't need a degree for that, however, I would like to take some photography classes. Maybe find someone I like that's local and apprentice for them? I think it would be cool :) Until then, I'll keep snapping away...:)

(I took these this past weekend!)