Friday, April 29, 2011

Long Day

When asked what he thought, Little Man's Response was "I shoulda gone with dad. It's boring here. In fact, I would have rather been in school" Ha! But he did brag about all the treats he got, and how Miss Lilly and him played games on her computer while he got to eat popcorn :) Then, in the car he got really quiet and I turned and looked and I saw this...

Guess he had a hard day afterall ;)

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Take your Kiddo to work day

I remember back when it was simply "Take your DAUGHTER to work day" but, I guess the boys felt left out. Anyway, C wanted to go with her dad. Little Man asked me if he could come to my work. I asked, and surprisingly, they said yes! So, he was ever so excited :)

I had already warned him, my job is bor-ring, but he said it was still better than school, and I would have to say that looking back on my 8 year old self, I'd have to agree :) So, we packed our lunches diligently last night and prepared for the day! I made Bee's and C's lunch and put it in the same bag since they would most likely be out on the road come lunch time, and this way could just throw away everything when they were done. I even told Bee this so he wouldn't have to look for the other lunch bag in the morning AND so he would know that the cupcake was packed for him.

At 5am this morning, he had me go wake up C while he showered and got ready. I woke her up, came downstairs, and pulled their lunch out and set it on the table along with her cereal and went and and did my work out. When Little Man and I went to leave, I asked him if he had his lunch and he said he didn't know I packed him one and there was no bag in the fridge. I called Bee and he said he had C grab "his lunch too" before they left since I set out hers and not his. Um, HELLO?! I swear, no one listens to me, and now Little Man is without a lunch. He said I could come pick it up, but I didn't feel like it, and I was peeved that he waived me off impatiently last night as I was explaining it to him, and this is what I was trying to avoid. Oh well, Little Man will like Burger King better anyway :)

We got to work early, so we opened up the office, made the coffee, ate our breakfast and manned the front desk waiting for Miss Lilly to show up! Then we went back to my desk where he was bored already. I think it's going to be a long day. Haha! I gave him some papers to staple and we got supplies in, so he helped put the paper away and ran to my bosses car to help her with something, but other than that he has been playing my ipod touch. It's entertaining him for now, but he told be he is already bored with it. I told him this is a good lesson on why it's important to do well in school so you can go to college and get a job you love instead of a boring one. ha!

He has already eaten an ice cream, 2 hard boiled eggs, cereal, 4 pieces of chocolate (Thanks to Miss Felicia) and had one cup of hot cocoa. I am hoping all that should at least keep him awake for the afternoon ;) Luckily, Miss Lilly has some jobs for him come afternoon :)

Overall, I think he will appreciate school come tomorrow!

Monday, April 25, 2011


Easter started out with the hunt! The Easter Bunny was cunning, but he was no match for my stealthly camoflauged ninja!
C takes the more laid back approach. She must know a good thing when she see's it because she "won" the hunt! (I think it's just because she's taller and can reach the higher up places)

Counting how many Eggs they had found. Easter Bunny had Text Bee letting him know how many eggs were hidden. When asked about the Easter Bunny having a cell phone, we were reminded this IS 2011...

After the hunt, we found our baskets by the door. Along with a note from EB, HIMSELF!

Time enough for just one quick picture with the sibling, then it was out the door for Church!

Later, we had family and friends over for dinner. Here, Bee is enjoying his dinner with Kamdizzle and BFF Rose in the middle. She does not want to be bothered with silly pictures that could possibly take her soul!

My ham was a work of art in itself and needed it's own picture. No one ate it. There was two other hams :/ Oh well, LEFTOVERS!

Little Isabella made an appearence later in the afternoon! Here, C is helping her with her "Juice!"

                                 BFF Rose, once again, does not like getting her picture taken!
                                                                Isabella Playing with C


                                                        LOVE This picture
                                                               Isabella and Daddy

We Had a wonderful Easter! Hope you all did too!

Spring Concert!

So this past Wednesday, C had her Spring concert. Little Man had his the week before, but I was so rushed to get out of the house on time, that I left my camera at home. Boo :(

C was very excited. She had a speaking part this time around! I have video of that and tried to upload it here, but Blogger was being slow and I had to leave for work, so, maybe I'll put it up later. At any rate, C did wonderful and it was a great concert!

The only draw back was that the Grandparents of the year showed up. Normally, it wouldn't bother me that they were there. I mean, we play nicey nice and all and it's a bearable experience for everyone, and the kids are happy to see them. However, I was upset because they couldn't be bothered with showing up to Little Man's concert the week before. They are seriously always shafting that kid. They knew, or were at least told about the concert because he told them. More than once. He's starting to get to an age where he is noticing it, too. As evident by the fact he asked me later "How come Grandma and Grandpa didn't come to my concert?". Later, after the concert was over, they gave the kids their Easter Baskets because they would not be seeing them again before Easter. Except, J was with us (you know, because she LIVES with us, and is PART OF OUR FAMILY) and they didn't have anything for her. Didn't even acknowledge the fact they had two, not THREE baskets. Not a "oh! If we had known you'd be here...sorry hunny!" Nothing! Yet, they expect J to think of them as her grandparents. What the hell? J said to me later "You know, It's not like I wanted their cheap dollar store candy or baskets, but my mom always taught me that if you don't have enough for everyone, you don't go pull stuff out" I agreed. It was very rude. Then, a couple of comments were made about C's hair and how long it is, and did she get it cut yet. We said no, because she DOESN'T WANT IT CUT. Grandpa said that he almost cut it when she was over a few weeks ago because it was just too long for his liking.Um, excuse me? That's my kid. Don't touch anything about her without asking first. I would have been PISSED had he cut her hair. Especially since they day they came back, we had our family pictures.

All in all though, the Spring Concert was a success! Way to go C!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Good Friday, Holy Sunday

"Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:24)

It's Good Friday and I am quietly sitting at my desk at work waiting for 12:30pm. We're only here a half day today. When I think about good Friday, it always makes me a little sad. Sad because I know what Jesus had to endure in order to even get to the cross, let alone be nailed to it, and die on it. The whole time, he was being jeered at, made fun on, spat on, pushed, shoved, names and insults being hurled at him. Someone thought they were being funny, and fashioned a crown on thorns for his head, since he was the King of the Jews.

This is depicted a lot in religious paintings, books, and movies as a ring that is placed atop his head, but in all actuality, it was more like a helmet. The thorns they used came from a viney-like plant that grew in a tangled mess of vine and thorns. Big thorns. Some as big as 3 and 4 inches. Sharp too. Sharp enough that if you weren't paying close attention, you would easily draw blood by the slightest prick of your finger. I am sure that whomever fashioned the nest like helmet of thorns probably walked away scratched up himself and when they put it on Jesus's head, they didn't set it atop his head, they rammed it on top of his head so it dug in and stayed there. Then, they brought out the "King's Robe" they had made for him. In order to get it on him, they had to remove the crown, ripping more flesh from his head, and putting the robe on his freshly lashed skin, only to ram it back onto his head again.

How awful.

Yet he did it for you. Think about that. If God had said, "Jesus, I want you to go to Earth, go through all of this suffering, die on a cross like a common thief, go to hell and suffer for three days before you can come back to me. I want you to do it for [ Insert Your Name Here ] and only them. Do it for Joy. Only Joy because I want her for my kingdom and her sins are too great to allow her in otherwise. Please take her place for her" He STILL would have done it.

Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.

And we don't, do we?

When we lie. Even little ones. When we steal. Even just a grape in the supermarket. When we refuse to extend the grace to others that our Father has shown us, whether it's screaming at the a-hole who cut you off in traffic, or forgiving a parent or a family member of something more serious. We re-crucify Jesus with our sin. Stop and think about that...

Many have come, Many have gone, but there is only one true Lord and Savior. Jesus The Christ. He was born of a virgin, crucified on a cross for the sins of the world, and luckily for us, He rose again on the 3rd day.

May you enjoy this holiest of Holy weekends with your loved ones. Celebrate the sacrifice, and rejoice in the Grace!

"Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." When he had said this, he breathed his last." (Luke 23:46)
"When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit." (John 19:30)   

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Week 5 is in the books!

So, 5 weeks are DONE in my 100 days till summer challenge! It went soo fast! This week was super sexy week and  we had to do things like a work out video from the Pussy Cat Dolls. While I can not shake my booty and look as good as they do doing it, I followed along quite nicely. I can say that I know half the chirography for "Don't Cha". Haha! We even had a super sexy extra challenge that involved things with our lovey! Me-Ow!

We had to initiate a solid kissing session each day, do something different weather it's wear an outfit we wouldn't have a few pounds ago or light candles, or even be adventurous in the bedroom! We had to write a love letter, and plan and complete a special date night! It was so much fun! I don't think Bee knew what was going on, but he sure liked all the extra attention he was getting! I also loved giving him that attention! He deserves it. At the end of the day, after getting up early, working out, getting myself ready, getting the kids ready, working 8 hours, dealing with traffic and stupid people, coming home, cleaning up every one's messes, making dinner, making lunches, cleaning up AGAIN, listening to every one's day while honestly trying to pay attention and care, and then trying to get a good solid 45-60 min work out in, I am T-I-R-E-D and literally fall into bed and pass out. I have been feeling a little guilty not spending as much time like I used to in the evening with him, so this was a nice reminder!

Nutrition wise, I have been doing great. I have noticed that since I am watching calories, protein, carbs, and fat, I naturally go for foods low in calories, high in protein. This means that most of my food leans towards being lean white meat, and fresh fruits and veggies. Since I have significantly lowered my intake of processed foods, I feel amazing! I am thinking that after this whole challenge is done, I might try to eliminate them completely, or almost completely and see how it goes. I also have been kicking around going at least mostly organic. I never thought I'd say those words.

I have noticed the kids are changing too. Asking questions about what they are putting in their bodies before consuming it. They have been playing outside more, running more, working out with me. They request fruit or applesauce instead of chips and cookies. I think it's awesome! Even Bee is being a bit more conscious. Anytime I purchase food, my first instinct is to flip it around to look at the label. I am actually horrified. Even "Good for you!" stuff! I went to buy myself a fruit and yogurt "fresh made" parfait the other day, choosing THAT instead of the heart attack on a muffin that Bee wanted. I looked at the calories and there were 485. I was floored! Really?! Fruit? Yogurt? THAT many calories? Instead I got a package of apple slices, low fat yogurt, and granola (almost the same damn thing) and it was 120....

Cardio has been going well too. I've done 5 miles a day for the last 2 weeks and it's starting to show. Bee notices when he holds me at night. Or when I can out run him now when we are playing around. Also, my walking videos have you jog for two minutes at the end of them. I am ACTUALLY able to JOG! I proved it on Saturday when I had to keep going from one end of the field to the other before Bee's game grabbing things for people. I jogged back and forth, non-stop, easily 6 or 7 times!

As for the scale, we have our moments, but lately we've been on speaking terms. I took my measurements almost 2 weeks ago (wish I would have done it right off the bat) and I will check them in 2 more weeks, but as for the scale, it currently says I am down 2 lbs from the previous week. All together my grand total is 12.2 pounds down. Not too shabby for 5 weeks! I seem to finally have busted through my trouble spot and have been down a half a pound to a pound a day. 2.8 more pounds and I will be the smallest I have ever been in my adult life, and probably since I was 10! C'mon you last three pounds!

Week 6 is shaping up to be a nice one too. This is the first week of the 2nd leg of the challenge so you can join new teams or switch them around this week if you like so they are making this week a little easier since it's the transition week. I am staying with Nutrition and Cardio, and have added strength. I am super excited and my thighs are already pissed at me from all the killer squats the squat queen, Miss Ninja Kate has given us :)

Hopefully next week I will be in ONEderland! ;)

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Palm Sunday

We were on quite a streak with making it to Church on time every weekend. I become quite anal when I do something once and want to do it again, I become obsessive slightly and don't want to miss! Don't want to break our streak! And while yes, we have missed church a few times since we started going back in December, it's only been one week and we went right back. I found myself falling in love with our little church and it was quickly becoming the highlight of my weekend!

Then, two Sunday's ago BFF Rose came out. She spent the night on Saturday and the kids had a few friends over too. It was a late night, as it always is when BFF Rose comes around and I didn't feel right leaving her while I went, and she is not really interested in Church (I asked her ha!). So, I didn't go. Then, the following week, we had a bon fire and I had a few adult beverages and we stayed up late and Bee declared no church. I was super tired, so I agreed.

Then this past Sunday rolled around. Bee had his first scrimmage on Saturday and he over did it and hurt his back. He could barely walk. My alarm went off at 9:30am and I laid in bed thinking how I didn't really want to go. Then, I started questioning our attendance. Did my family go because they feel I make them? Why do I go? Do I feel one with God in this place, or is it just convenient for me because service is at 11am and it's 15 steps from my front door. Do I feel the Holy Spirit move in that place? Do I even know what that feels or sounds like? Do I really have to go?

I laid there and contemplated it for awhile. I thought, you know, Bee is injured. I could stay here and take care of him and no one would fault me for that. But I knew *I* would, because I knew he was capable of taking care of himself for an hour. Plus, it was Palm Sunday. One of my favorite Religious remembrances. I don't know why. If you know the story, it's really sad. Jesus reaches the pinnacle of his teaching here on Earth. He enters the city on the back of a donkey to fulfill the Prophecy. EVERYONE is there. Everyone. It's the start of the holiest of holy Jewish observances. Even the Romans are aware of how special this week is. Here comes Jesus on the donkey and the people cheer. Saying "Hosanna! Hosanna!" or translated: "Save us! Save us!" and they do the equivalent of rolling out the red carpet in sincere adoration, and lay palm branches in the street on His path. They waive them in the air. Sing his praises. He got the Rock Star welcome.....only to be beaten within an inch of his life, jeered at, and put through one of the most horrifying and tortuous deaths a week later. And he knew this. Yet, his love for us and obedience to his Father's word, was so strong, he did it anyway. One thing I notice is, from the time of his betrayal in the garden by Judas, until he is on the cross, he does not utter one word. Amazing.

I made it to church. I smiled as soon as I saw the doors...

I felt like I was coming home. I guess some of my fears or concerns were the fact that I have so much emotional attachment to my old church and how we did things, that I was afraid I might be let down. I was also probably letting a certain someone get to my spirit and convince me I didn't need church. Satan, be gone!

I walked in and was greeted warmly, like always. Got my coffee (even a SMALL chocolate spring cookie...mmmm) and then took my seat. The choir stared in with "Prepare Ye" as their processional and handed out palms to everyone. It was awesome to hear one of my favorite hymns from when I was younger. Then EVERYONE held their palms in the air and swayed them back and forth. I teared up thinking this is just a teeny tiny snippet of what it must have looked and sounded like to Jesus.

The pastor gave a wonderful sermon (as he always does) and we laid our palms at the foot of the giant wooden, tattered, nail-filled cross. I cried real tears this time. The palms laid out for Jesus, paved his way to the cross. He knew it. He could have stopped it, but he didn't. He died for us. He died for me, and even 2011 years later, it amazes me someone can love me that much. Can love humankind that much, and how most of the time we take it for granted.

I guess that's why it's called Perfect Love. I am thankful for that.  :)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Ode to a Bee (A few weeks Early...)

(I know we didn't have to share the love letter for the point, but I kinda wanted to put it up here for a couple of reasons. One: I type better than I, I can "work it all out" here before writing. Two: I want to be able to look back from a scrap booking/Chronicling/I need to be reminded sometimes standpoint. Three: So you all could see how special my guy is ;) )

To my lovable, huggable, Bee,

In honor of our 2 year anniversary coming up in just a couple of weeks (It lands on Easter, in case you forgot) I wanted to take a few moments and actually pen you a real letter. Something for prosperity sake, if nothing else. I mean, we tell each other a million and one times a day how much we love each other, but sometimes it takes seeing it on paper, something that you actually sat down and took the time to compose, for it to really sink in.

The other morning, as we were getting dressed for the day (it was Sunday, after our bonfire on Saturday night) I caught you looking at me. You walked over to me and wrapped your arms around me and told me you had so much fun the night before with our friends and how nice it was to just laugh and enjoy those we love. You also told me how shitty your life had been before you met me, and how you hoped I only knew how happy I made you. How I take care of you and the kids, how I love you and let you be you which is someone you were never allowed to be before.

I'll have you know, you touched me deeply with those words. Because I DO love you, and sometimes I feel that just saying "I love you" doesn't quite speak to how much I do, in fact, love you.

You have changed my world. Just knowing you has made me a better person. A better version of myself, while letting me know it's ok to BE myself. You and the kids are the light in my life. I actually enjoy taking care of you 4 (Even if I complain about the mess sometimes ;) ) and I think I would feel lost if I didn't have you guys.

You get me. You get me on a level no one else has. (Even IF you didn't get me bumping your hand with my booty while dancing ALL.NIGHT.LONG when I had 23589745873 SQ FT of room to move as a signal. Or, me announcing about 150 times that we were leaving to go to another bar....then naming it, with it's location...all while staring at you...the night we met ;) ) A few have come close, but you are all the way there!
You have the ability to make me smile, laugh, or even relax and calm down in almost all situations. You get and understand my sense of humor and even my weird quirks that most people would shrug off. You take care of me, worry about my safety, and always make sure that I get what I need, and 99.9 % of the time, what I want.

I don't think you fully realize just how special you are, and not just to me. The past has not always been kind to you, and for whatever reason, it has not felt the need to fully express to you in plain words how wonderful you are. So I will do it!

Here are just a FEW of the Many reasons you are special:

1. You are an awesome father. You love your children unconditionally, yet you feel discipline, rules, guidelines are important. You teach your children things that no one else will, or would think to. Such as "Life isn't fair". So many people these days take a total new age approach that life is full of sunshine, rainbows, kittens, and there are no "losers". While you love your kids, and there is PLENTY of affection. hugs, kisses, etc, you also let them know that life is NOT a scene from a Trapper Keeper.

2. You are super smart. I don't mean like normal "you happen to know more than me" smart. You are the smartest person I know. Like, honestly I think you could be a good candidate for MENSA. Except, they usually don't like guns there, so you'd be bored.

3. Your passionate. Your passion for the things you love is unmatched by anything. I really dig that about you. You have such a passion for things that people who are around you can't help but love those things too! Who would have ever thought *I* would enjoy football?! Not just enjoy it, but talk smack about it! With a smidge of knowledge of the game to boot! And Call of Duty?! I have always liked explosions and cool looking guns, and watching fictional people die in cruel and gorily awesome ways ,but this takes it to a whole new level...even if your team sucks and they played like "horse shit!". And how you can take one look at a gun and tell me the make, model, when it was first made, and what eddition that perticular one is and how you can take care and take your time reading an gun and ammo magizine as if it were the only one out there!

4. Your knowledge of all things cars and mechanical. The fact that when I need my oil changed, or my brakes replaced, you are able and willing to do that. When my tire blew and I needed the spare put on? You did it like it was no big deal. It is probably NOT a big deal to you, but that kind of stuff is Earth Shattering to me, as well as my wallet if I had to take it to the shop, someone who barely knows how to pop the hood. (ok, ok, I can add oil and windshield washer fluid...and gas, but that's it) And back to my tires....the way you refused to let me drive my car to work that whole week and a half. You let me use your truck, while you took the wounded Roger Rocket every day...then later actually paid for 3/4 of two new tires for me. No one, I repeat, NO ONE has ever taken care of me like that, besides my daddy. It makes my eyes leak, and it's making them leak now when I think about it.

5. The way you talk about me to your friends. How, you brag that for the first time in your life, you're happy. You found "someone good" and you only hope they can find someone like that. I know I have. It's you! And I can't wait for the day that I become your wife and you become the father of our child(ren) too (I added the "ren" case of twins ;) )

6. The way you kiss me every morning and cover me up when you are leaving for work, or even if you are just going into the living room. How some nights you want to be the little spoon, and others the big spoon, but no matter what, you want to hold me, or at the very least be touching me in some way. "Monkey Toes" and Harry and Larry (Garry and Jerry too...)  The way you "wake up" in the middle of the night to change positions and you always tell me how much you love me. You probably tell me 3-4 times a night. Those are special to me :)

I love you Bee. In a million and a half ways. To the moon and back times infinity, and oodles of Noodles and bunches of munches. More today, than yesterday, always and forever.


Monday, April 11, 2011

This that and the other things

Wow, what a month it's been.

March was crazy for us. We were busy, and we were broke. Haha! We live on a shoe string budget as it is, but then Bee tried to renew his license on his birthday and they told him the State of North Carolina had his renewal blocked due to a 22 year old ticket he supposedly never paid. $400 some odd dollars later, at the end of the month, when everything is DUE and rent is coming up, we had to shell out to them. Needless to say, we didn't really have the money, so it was a lot of pasta eating, and shuffling of bills on my part. I can proudly say though, EVERYTHING got paid, nothing got shut off, and we are all good. Just trying to play catch up. At least he is getting a full paycheck now and we have $700 more a month in our budget that we haven't had in the last 10 months. Whew. I can see the light...

Football season is gearing up. We have our first pre-season game this coming weekend. Practice has been going on now 2-3 times a week for the last month or two. I love football time :) May 7th, we have a charity game and I am excited because I work with a woman who is on the board for the school we are going to be playing at. She knows about us and is getting the board all excited to work with us on this. They NEED money and renewed interest from the public, and this could help them, which would help us!

This past weekend was a lot of fun. It was the first weekend where the weather is starting to tease us with summer. I think the snow is behind us and we have been having a lot of rain and temps in the 40's and 50's, but this weekend it was in the 70's and 80's!

Friday night we had our family pictures for the church directory and as a gift for coming in and getting them done, you get a free 8X10 of your directory pose. Which is nice because I have been wanting a family picture for awhile now. I never look good in them though. This is my 3rd experience with these. The other two were with my old church, but at any rate, I think it has to do with the bright flash bulb. I am translucently white. I get lost in snow. It's always so dark in the room when they take the pictures and then you sit under that bright light and then the pop! of the flash. I am trying to smile naturally and pretty. Then the guy will usually make me laugh. Pair that with the bright light and my white white white skin, and you have a girl with GIANT wide eyes (I have big eyes anyway) and a smile that makes me look like someone just shoved something up my back end. Friday, I tried to keep my smile relaxed, and my eyes not so wide. Yeah, I came off looking high. I can't win (I'll see if I can dig up the other two when we get this new one and I'll show you)

Afterwards, we grabbed some dinner. Bee has this habit of picking a place to eat, but not telling any of us, including me, until we pull up in the parking lot. This time was no exception, and he picked a Chinese buffet. Let me just start by saying, I am not always a fan of the Chinese buffet. No one speaks English, and I always get the feeling that while it "looks" clean, that what we can't see is scary or questionable at best. Also, while I do love me some Chinese food, I totally have to be in the mood, and I so was not. Alas, this was dinner.

C and Little Man came home from the grandparents house yesterday. C told me she had the 24 hour stomach flu. Little Man started complaining of a really upset tummy Thursday night. He seemed fine Friday, but at dinner he seemed totally NOT interested in eating. Bee and I kept making him eat because he tends to NOT eat anything that is NOT Mac and cheese, Cheese Pizza, or chicken nuggets. He was unhappy with the restaurant selection and so we figured he was just saying his belly hurt to get out of having to eat what little was on his plate. Yeah, well, desert for the rest of the family was cut short when he um, got sick, all over the floor. Poor guy.

Saturday, I got up and did my work out. I did an hour long aerobics video that is equivalent to 5 miles at the end. Then, we had a bunch of people over for a bonfire. It was so much fun! When we eventually got the fire going, that's when it heated up and everyone started having a blast. Little Man and C told alll the neighborhood kids so, at 2pm that day, I had 15 kids sitting around my fire ring with all the kindling stacked inside, just waiting for dark. By the time the s'mores came out, they were wired. Is it bad that at 12:30 in the morning my kids were running around like banshees with their "spears" they made for s'mores while I enjoyed beers by the giant open flame? Nah, I didn't think so ;)

Sunday was low key and B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L! It made it up to 81! I opened all the windows and we enjoyed the breeze off the lake. Later, C and I went to a friends of mine for a Mary Kay party. She played outside with the other kids while I gabbed with my friend. It was a nice day, followed by a nice evening sitting in the window seat enjoying my guy and the breeze. Last night was even better by the fact that we slept with the windows open. Cool breeze blowing and the tree frogs croaking.

Oh yes Summer, I have missed thee and can not wait for your return!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Just when I think...

I have Bee figured out, he surprises me :)

My guy is not exactly do I say this? Affectionate? No, that's the wrong word, because he is affectionate. However, he is not the type who will automatically grab my hand in public or enjoy me hanging all over him. Now, he is ok if I hold his hand, or I grab his arm, but he's not really going to do it on his own.

He is also not the type to say sweet things or pay compliments just because. I mean, he does tell me when I look nice, or when he likes something I make or whatever, but it's only when he means it. If you go fishing for them, you are not going to get them.

I've seen several friends of ours on their facebook status talk about how much them miss their significant other, or love them, or whatever and I was feeling a little I guess, down because I know my guy would never do something like that.

Then this morning, while we were getting ready to come out into the living room I caught him staring at me. I smiled and said "What?!" and this is what he said:

"Ya know, last night was fun. (we had a bonfire last night. My idea. He has turned me down in the past because he doesn't "like outside", but I had like 5 of his friends who said they'd stop by and it turned into a little party) Like, really fun. I want to tell you how much I love you and how my life had been pretty shitty up until I met you. You have brought me laughter, fun, good lovin, and permission to be myself and I want to thank you for that."
Yeah, I melted a little bit ;)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Benefits of getting healthy, beyond losing the weight

***I apologize if I am seemed to only talk about my "diet" lately, but these are things I feel I need to put into words. My normal blogging will resume shortly ;)  ****

I have been fat all my life. Like, Huge. While I didn't start out that way (I mean, I wasn't born at 390 lbs!), I was always a chunk. My mom was heavy. My dad was heavy. It was just normal for me. At 5 I was getting a McDonalds kid's meal, but instead of the kids hamburger, I would get a big mac. I came from the tail end of the "as long as you eat the WHOLE thing" generation.

Mama came from a huge family. 9 brothers and sisters. Being the oldest girl, with a mama who worked full time and was mostly a single mom, she was in charge of cooking since the age of 9. She cooked for an army, and it carried over to when she met daddy.

Daddy came from a family of 5, but they were farmers and so, his mama always made big country meals. Grandpa was 6'4 and a big healthy German so, he wanted hearty meals after workin the farm all day. My mama cooking huge meals for my daddy was not much different than home.

At about 7, the kids stopped being nice to me. I was teased. Ignored. Laughed at. Pushed. Bullied. However, even though it hurt my feelings a lot, I have always been outgoing. Friendly. Funny. And able to make at least a friend or two. I never let the effect of any of the teasing show on the outside. Mama always told me never to give my tormentors the satisfaction.

Jr. High was awful. Had I not been brought up in a religious way, I may have turned to other outlets for my suffering. Every day I came home crying. Every night mama wiped my tears, and told me in a sweet, supportive, loving way to suck it up, because kids were mean. Life wasn't "fair", and no one owes you anything in this life. You need to just treat people like you want to be treated, and rest your head at night knowing YOU did the right thing, while saying a prayer for those who were mean to you because it was most likely a result of an insecurity THEY had with themselves.

High school was better. Kids mellowed out and matured a little, and most of the teasing was behind my back. I had a handful of friends, and really, other than the homework, High School was fun. I got a job, and started to feel my independence.

After graduating, I got a full time job instead of going to college (another story for another day) and moved into my very first apartment. Over the next year. between partying, getting no sleep, and having a job that was monotonous, I easily packed on another 100 pounds. It was getting harder and harder to buy clothes.

By my early 20's I was HUGE. I owned 4 outfits which consisted of 4 tshirts I got at the big & tall men's store (at about $50 a pop!) and black cotton pants. 3 pairs. Every time I bought a new outfit or two, it easily cost around $200 and up. I didn't like leaving my house. I had a hard time holding on to a job. While I still projected this happy, perky, funny, girl, I was lonely, sad, depressed, and slowly becoming a shut in.

Restaurants were horrible. I could only go to a select few, and only to those I knew had tables. No booths, no chairs with arms because I didn't fit. I remember one particular evening we were going out for my sister's birthday. She chose Red Lobster. I was upset in the first place because I hate fish and seafood places and I didn't want to go in the first place, but my mom insisted I go. We got there and had to wait 35 minutes because it was PACKED, only to be taken to our table, finally, and it was waaay in the back. I had to walk past allll those people, turning to the side to make it past them, and when we got to the table, I didn't fit in the chair. I had to stand, while all these people stared at me for what seemed like FOREVER for our darling host to find me the only chair in the whole (what seemed like) tri-state area, that didn't have arms. Then, there was the fact I Had to miss my sisters graduation because I couldn't fit in the seats.

January 31, 2006. The day I had my gastric bypass surgery. A day that was 6 years in the making. It was the happiest day of my life! Over the next several years I managed to drop 200 lbs. You never realize how much people ignore you when you are fat. When I walk through a mall, or in a store, or ever in my building at work, strangers look me in my eyes and smile. Sales people say hello to me. People will hold a door for me if I am coming up behind them. My friends will tell you, I am the same now as I was then, just my body better matches my spirit and personality. I am fun, outgoing, life of the party, and easily make new friends. I am silly, goofy, and a total ham.

I have roughly 45-55 more pounds to go to be at my goal. If I never lose them, I am perfectly happy of who I am and where I am. If I do, even better. However, I will tell you then, as well as now, with this 100 day challenge to get healthy, when you are doing the right things by exercising and eating right, you FEEL good.

The past week, even though I start each morning tired, and totally in love with my bed, I drag myself out of it and I work out. It's not fun. while I am, doing it I am not enjoying myself, but afterwards I feel GREAT. My mood is greatly improved (waaaay less stabby) My heart is pumping, I am awake, and I feel like I can take on the world. It makes me feel strong, sexy, and confident. I even FINALLY went to walmart to get bras that fit properly. It also makes me want to put in the extra effort to style my hair instead of a ponytail. Put makeup on. Put a little thought into my outfit for the day. Not that I dressed slobby before, but I'd grab a sweater and a tank top, pair it with whatever jeans I grabbed first, throw on my uggs, and off to work I went. Now, I pick clothes that look awesome and well put together. Not tight, but more form fitting. I pick out matching jewelry too!

My confidence has gone through the roof. I carry myself differently. People at work have noticed and so has my lovey. He is not the type of man to shower you with compliments just to stroke your ego. He actually has made it a point to tell me all three days this week how nice I look. Last night he looked me up and down when I came in the door and was talking and he interrupted me to tell me, "You look reallly nice today! Hot actually. Like, really hot. Your boobs look great too. They have looked great all week" Ah, my guy ;)
Even if the scale doesn't show what I want it to yet, Other changes are going on...and I have to say I like it :)

ps- BTW: Now, I have a huge walk in closet with more clothes than I'll ever know what to do with. I can't bare the thought of getting rid of any of it. I think that's from only having 4 outfits for so long lol!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Losin the Girls

Before I had my gastric bypass surgery, I was wearing a DD cup size. After? Well, I was never properly fit, but I wore a C cup.
As of the last year, I was having an issue with my girls poppin out. All.The.Time. When I bent over. When I sorta bent over. When I thought about bending over. When I reached to the left. Reached to the right. Sometimes, I'd just be sitting there and look down, and OOPS! "3rd boob". It was so murther furking frustrating.

I tried everything, and nothing was working.

Then, the other day while working out (girls poppin out everywhere) it hit me like a ton of bricks. My CUP size it probably too big!

So, this weekend, I was at walmart and I needed to pick up some sports bra's. While I was there, I picked up a regular bra too and all in a "B" cup. I came home and tried them on, and lo and behold, it was like some sort of witchcraft had been performed on my chesticles! They were supported, uplifted, almost perky and best of all, no matter what I did, they STAYED.INSIDE.MY.BRA!


Then, this morning, as I was putting on my new sports bra to work out, I happened to glance in the mirror and see my reflection. I was taken aback. For the first time in my life, my upper body (not including my upper arms) was starting to take on some definition. My tummy roll, that the boyfriend so eloquently refers to as my "second set of boobs", is fading fast! Before I started this challenge, I was sportin a B/C cup there and now, I am easily no bigger than a training bra ;)

I looked at myself in my sports bra and yoga pants and thought, with the exception of the stretch marks and flabby upper arms (triceps region), I ALMOST would at least consider working out/and or walking around my house in my sports bra and yoga pants!

Which just goes to show, even though I was upset about my 5lb gain this past week, I AM making a difference. What I am doing IS working. People at work have noticed it in my face and my waist. I seem to be stronger too. I can jog longer and faster, and I am starting to crave that workout because of how I FEEL afterwards.

It uplifts my mood, makes me happy, and I've noticed I haven't got as worked up about stuff lately or flipped my wig for no reason.

So yeah, the scale sucks, but I am kicking it in it's taco. :)

Monday, April 4, 2011

Week 3 can suck it: A motivational Blog

A little diet update...

While I got all my points in for week 3 on both teams that I am on, it was a horrible week. I was having issues with my food tracker. Mainly, that Spark People want me to eat between 1750 and 2020 calories and that is ENTIRELY WAY TOO MUCH FOOD for me, someone who is a post-op Gastric Bypass patient. While I am 5 years out and can handle more food than someone who is not, I STILL can not eat that much (Ok, well, I CAN. Two trips to Mcdonalds will cure that calorie range, but the point is to eat HEALTHY and I can not do that on that high of a range)

Anywho, I played around and lowered my calorie range. Now, I am a newbie here and didn't really pay attention to my other levels (like, where they were BEFORE I played around) and I ASSUMED (never assume...) that they automatically lowered too. Wrong. They don't. However, this brilliant idea did not occur to me until FRIDAY. So, I spent all week eating healthy. Working out. Finishing up dinner and settling in for the night FULL TO BURSTING, and still being short 80-100 carbs for the day. All the article I see on Spark talk about making sure you hit that bottom number because your body needs carbs for fuel, and if you neglect that, you are actually slowing your body down. After a 10 pound loss the first week and almost 2 more the 2nd week, "slowing down" was not what I wanted. So, I ate.

I ate when I wasn't even hungry to get those carbs in. Then, by the time I went to bed, I was either at the tippy top of my calorie range, or I was OVER, and I still was about 10 carbs short. Ugh. I upped my cardio to help make up for the higher intake of calories, and told myself that "Spark wanted you to eat 1750-2020. You lowered it to 1200-1800. So, if you go over, and are at, say, 1950, you are still in the original range, and that's ok, especially with all this cardio!"

Yeah, Come weigh in I was up 5 pounds. 5 POUNDS! Listen, I have been fat all my life. I know what sayings come out when you lose weight on a diet and then have a week where you gain.

"Listen, you've been working out! It's probably muscle! Muscle weighs more than fat!"

"It's probably water weight! Peee!! Maybe even do umm...#2. That helps!"

"You totally lost inches! Sometimes it takes time for the scale to catch up!"

These are all totally valid statements. However, they don't make me feel any better about a 5 pound gain. I had a small tantrum on Saturday morning. I gave up (I really wasn't going to, I just wanted to "say it".) I called myself names, I didn't even want to work out at that point.

After I was done, my loving and uber supportive boyfriend looked at me and said, "Are you done, Wendy Whiner? Good, now get your fat ass up, and work out. YOU want a change, YOU have to do the changing. Don't be "That" girl".

And he's right. We fall, we make mistakes. We chose the easy way out from time to time. It's ok. It happens. But, you need to pick yourself up, and work even harder to get what you want. In retrospect, my 5 pound gain was probably a combination of water weight (I just finished my "time of the month" a day or two before), Muscle gain, loss of inches (noticeable lost in my waist area), but also as a result of my numbers issues. I did allow myself the weekend "off". I still tracked EVERYTHING I put in my mouth, and I even was able to get in 2 miles on Saturday and one on Sunday, but I let myself have SEVERAL beers with my BFF who came out to see me (She lives an hour away). I did allow myself to have deep fried bar food, and chocolate, and chips. But I TRACKED EVERY BITE. I did manage to keep my numbers in their ranges Saturday, and Sunday, until the very end when I decided on Beer and chips, but now I feel it's out of my system and I am ready to get back on track.

Week 4 is going to be all about starting over. I am going to buckle down on my workouts. Increase my mileage, and add cardio whenever I can, even if it's taking the stairs instead of the elevator. I am also playing along at home with the Strength team to get some core workouts involved. This week I am also going to keep a strict eye on my nutrition and my portions. I am physically going to measure everything. I am going to do what I have never been able to do before....

MARCH ON FORWARD instead of giving up.

Goals for the week:

Hit all 5 points on Nutrition AND Cardio

Hit at least 3 points on Strength (I am not an official member of that team yet)

Do 4 miles a day

Every bite of food in my mouth needs to be of a good nutritional Value. For realsies.