So, Bee told me two days before Valentines day that had he had an extra hour between leaving work and me showing up at his house, he would have been adding a marriage proposal to his plea that we should get back together. Since then, we've talked about the topic quite a bit. We both know that that is where we want to end up. Without a doubt, we both know that we are meant for each other and that marriage will be the next step in our relationship. However, when, and on who's timetable are a different thing.
Bee is 40 years old. He has three kids. He has been engaged three times and married once. He's been there. Done that. In Fact, his Divorce only became "final" in March. He is happy now, and knows we will be together forever so he is in no big rush. I am confident in him and our relationship, especially considering he is willing to move to the other side of the Country with me. To him, it will happen someday. Someday when he gets around to doing it.
Me, on the other hand, I feel this internal drive. This need, if you will. I am 29. I'll be 30 in November. Growing up, I always imagined myself married with several kids by now. I feel like I am behind the eight ball. Like all my peers are passing me by. I know that marriage and children are a totally serious commitment and it should be based on when you are your partner are ready, not on what everyone else is doing. I get that. I do. But, I can't help but feel impatient. I feel like he wants to, but just doesn't really care when and I'm like if you don't care, then what are we waiting for because I am ready now.
At the beginning of March, we got on the topic of our wedding one night after the kids went to bed. At the time, his divorce was still pending. He said something to the fact that he just assumed that since we both agreed that we wanted to get married we would wander into a mall someday and buy a ring we liked and just "get married" whenever and that he already just kind of assumed that we were in that mind set. I informed him he needed to formally ask me! To which he replied, first with a heavy sigh and an eye roll, "Well, do you wanna?". At that point I told him to ask me when he meant it but that he had to be divorced first and follow the asking with a ring...a real one...not the one he fashioned out of a bread tie.
Since then, his divorce has been finalized and I'm waiting. I'm impatient, I know. I am trying not to rush him or make him think I am in a rush because when he does propose, I want it to be because he wants to, not because he thinks he has to. Yet, it's hard to see the people around me get married and start their families. Bee's brother got engaged last September/October and their wedding is going to be this October so, there is planning for that. Then, my high school best friend got engaged on Saturday. People I went to school with are getting engaged and starting to have babies. These are the two things I have wanted most out of life and I just feel like I've done the hard part of finding the one I want to be with, the rest should be easy!
Then, since this has been on my mind lately, I am even dreaming about it now! haha! Last night, I dreamt that we had gotten married and we were at the reception and Bee's Grooms Cake was a Bee cake. Like, it was shaped like a bee and decorated like one. It was soooo cute. I told him about it this morning and he laughed. He said that we should totally have one made for his grooms cake and that he wants to get married in a black and gold tux. Which, I was totally down for and I even found my brides maid dresses! It would make his day anyway because he (as well as myself) is a huge Steelers fan and he can tell people I let him have Steelers colors. haha! So, now I have a color scheme if and when he gets off his butt and asks me to marry him lol!
The funny thing is, I don't want a big extravagant wedding. I won't be a bridezilla and I don't need fancy lavish things. I just want a simple church wedding with maybe 50-70 people, if that. I don't even care if people bring us gifts. In fact, I might request they don't. Then, maybe have the reception at our friends house who have a large property where we could set up food/BBQ, have the pool and hot tub, people drink, swim, play, enjoy the day and the sunshine. That's it.
Ah well. It will happen....eventually. I just need to be patient I suppose. Although, he told me last night we can't have children because they will come out stupid. He took my car to Walmart and came out looking for his truck. Freaked out because he couldn't find it, even after hitting the panic button on his key. He got so upset he almost started to cry and go into a panic attack before it dawned on him that he had my car...
great, another "fight" on my hands... LOL! I told him "Stupid or not, I am having your baby!"