Things have happened along the way. We stopped going to Church. Then we went again. They we stopped again., or at least I did. Let me clarify, though. It was never because I stopped believing in God or Jesus, (although, I will admit that my absence from Church and being exposed to my religion at ALL has made they feel a whole lot farther away) it's been because of my own laziness. I moved out of my parents house at 26. I moved 20 minutes away. I went from being 15 minutes away from Church to being 25 minutes away and without my mom there to guilt me into going on Sunday morning, it was REALLY hard to get up after I just spent Saturday night drinking myself into oblivion and passing out at 4am. Then, I met Bee, and "moved" out to his house. Now, I was an hour and 15 minutes away. And, after football games, we'd party at Tuckers until 4am. I don't really know where I am going with this, other than to say I miss God, I want to start going to Church again, preferably as a family, but I would go solo if need be, and to say that my upbringing is what has shaped my morals today.
My mom has always told me that God expects us to forgive everyone. EVERYONE. No matter what they do to us. Our anger, or hatred of someone is in itself a sin. You don't have to like them. You don't have to be their friend, you don't have to like what they do, but you must forgive them, and not hate. If you find it too hard to do alone, give it to God. Let HIM forgive them for you because God can do anything.
I must say, the past two weeks have been hard. As I am packing up Bee's house, It is not lost on me that I am packing up his memories. His life with his ex. Her things are all around. Her little decorative touches that spoke of who she was. What she liked. I can tell she was as in to Halloween and Christmas as I am by allll the decorations I found and themed dishes and tablecloths. This caused me to seethe. The more and more I packed, the more and more my already deep hatred for her grew. She also writes him letters. At least once a week. I am not 100% on what the say, and Bee doesn't read them, so, they sit there, taunting me. Bee and I fight about it at least once a month. The fact that he makes no effort to stop her letters from coming, makes me feel like I am being disrespected.
So, last night I come home from work. I had just dropped "C" off at football into Bee's care. The other two were still at Grandma Bee's. I was going to work on the last big "Push" to get all packed up. As I do every night, I checked the mail before heading into the house. There it was. A letter from his ex-wife. Written all over the back of the letter was a plea for him to stop and let every memory of THEIR house sink in as he packs it up. Remember their love. Their good times. Their vows. Then, how I was never going to be better than her. He knew it, she knew it, and I supposedly know it. On, and On it went. It is not lost of me that that was probably meant more for me, then for him, and it worked. I was over the top mad. I was going to start a fight with Bee when he got home. We were going to handle this!
I packed stuff in a fury. I was steaming mad. I said lots of mean, nasty, hateful things under my breath and thought even worse things. Then, I got really sad. Sad because this is not me. I am a happy person. I can befriend almost anyone. I have been blessed with an ability to see the good, even if it's tiny, in just about every person. I've never been able to hold a grudge for more than a day, and it's usually not even that long. I can also say that I have never honestly hated anyone. Until now. I also saw what my mom always said was true. Hate is like a cancer. It will eat you. My hatred for her has been eating me and I can see it's adverse effects. I am not the "happy go lucky" person I usually am. I've had a chip on my shoulder for awhile now. I am starting to take it out on the kids. I am constantly choking on this hatred.
I came to the conclusion last night that I have two choices. 1. Break up with Bee and separate myself from him and his life completely. Destroy all evidence we were ever together, refuse his phone calls, change my number if I have to, and move on. While the moving on part didn't exactly go well last time, not being his girlfriend took that huge weight of hatred for her off of my shoulders. However, I love Bee. I honestly think that he is who I am meant to be with. We "get" each other more than anyone else ever has. I honestly believe we are meant to be together...so that leads me to option 2, which is my only real option. Get over it. Get over it. It makes me want to vomit and protest just saying those words. However, the reality of the situation is, She is "C" and Little Man's mother. She will always be #1 in their hearts. She will always come first. They will see her as much as they can. Now that she can call them, I am sure they will talk more. She will be writing them letters (and probably Bee too). When she gets of out Prison in just 5 or 6 years, they will be going off to spend a week or a weekend with her. I am sure she will drop by the house to pick them up sometimes. She will ALWAYS be their mom, and therefore ALWAYS be in our life. If I chose to make my life with Bee, I have to get over it, or let my hatred eat me alive and turn me into some I am not. And, probably someone Bee won't want to be with.
So, I stopped what I was doing and I prayed. I felt awkward and dumb, but I did it and meant it anyway. I prayed and with venom in my tone I spit this prayer to God. "This is yours. I'm done. I can't carry it anymore. I am not strong enough. I am sick of being angry, sad, and hurt all the time. YOU deal with it. YOU fix it. I'm done. I am trusting you to take care of this for me because I don't want to anymore. You fail? It's on you, and I will BLAME you. I am doing what I hear I am supposed to do, so fix it. Change me and how I feel about her. Forgive her FOR me because I can't right now. I will pray this every damn day until it's taken care of if I have to" and with tears of rage and frustration I finished with an "amen".
I felt a little better, honestly. But, I wasn't sure if it was because I basically had a good cry and vented my frustrations or because it was working. Usually, I am not a person who gets clear cut answers from God like other people I have known. I am usually left guessing, so I didn't think anything of it. About ten minutes later, my friend Young Miss Caitlyn sent me a text. It was one of those dumb little forwards you used to get from people in your email, than now you get on your phone. Caitlyn saw the "forward to 10 people, including me, and in 30 minutes something will happen" and figured she'd better not risk it. I take NO stock in those things, but I read what it said anyway. This is what it said:
" A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with
tears in their eyes, they still manage to say "I'm ok" with a smile. God is
good. Change is coming. God has seen your tears, felt your sadness and said
hard times are over"
I bawled. You see, sometimes God will speak to us through a friend, with a stupid little forward, at the right time, just when we need it most, if we just pay attention.
I feel better. I feel like a huge chunk of the weight from my hatred towards her is gone. I still don't like her. I probably never will. God doesn't say I have to like her. He just says I have to forgive her. I can't even tell you that I am even there yet. But I am on the path at least. It's not always going to be easy. I don't take people hurting or messing with my loved ones easily, but I'll get there. I'm not walking the path alone. When I can't handle it, I will just remember, it's not my burden to take. Things are looking up, and I'm excited! I am also going to look into the two Churches near our new house. I am pretty excited about getting back into a Church family as well.
Oh, and Tomorrow we get our keys :D