Excuse me as I pull the knife from my back...

I'm upset. I'm upset but I'm torn. Maybe hurt is the correct terminology I am looking for...

BFF Rose and I have been BFF for a long time. Close to 7 or 8 years now. We bonded over the fact that out of our group, we were the most alike. We held values and moral standards that most people had never even heard of. We believed that a parent should watch and interact with their child. Know where they were and supervise them while in their care. We believed that one should work and take care of themselves and have a good handle on that before having kids and that you should pay your bills before spending all of your money at the bar. We used to always say that above all else, you respected one another and didn't do stuff that you know would hurt the other person for your own personal gain.

I have other friends. I am a social person and I get along with just about everyone. People like me! I am not bragging, but I can get along with anyone. however, she is one of my very few friends that I let in. She knows everything about me and I trust her and she trusts me. I can't say we've never fought, because we kinda have, once. but we made it past it. I'd say that's pretty good for 7-8 years of friendship.

We also swore that guys would never come between us. As in most friendships of the closest kind, you swear that all ex-'s and current relationships are off limits. Why? Well, current ones are obvious, but the past ones? Well, it's just out of respect and good manners.

Well, I got a phone call from BBF Rose yesterday asking me if I had a minute to talk. I said I did, as always for her. She was upset and said she had something to tell me and wasn't sure if after she told me I would want to be her friend anymore. She called to tell me that she was dating my ex-boyfriend. Not just any ex, but the ex. The guy who was my first real love. The guy who if you were to ask any of our friends (Including BFF ROSE), or me, I was going to end up married to him. We were the "it" couple. Everyone loved him for me and vice versa. We were happy. Always. We got along. We didn't fight. I was head over heels and it would have appeared he was too. My family and friends were so positive that he was "it" for me (I admit, I was right there with them), that they started saving for my wedding.

Then, one day out of the blue, he called and broke up with me. It DEVASTATED me. BFF Rose was my first phone call. I spent the better part of a week with her. I CRIED over this guy at least once a day for almost a year and after that, well, anytime I'd run into him or find a picture of us, or something we did, I'd get weepy. It wasn't until Bee and I got back together that I even got over him (There was a 2 week window when Bee and I were broken up that I tried to rekindle that relationship...it didn't work) so, to say this didn't sting a little....

Here's the thing. I love her. She is my BFF. She's not perfect, I know. I haven't always been the most perfect friend either. We always swore no guy would come between us, and I feel like it would be my fault if I let that happen. I want her to be happy. I do. She deserves it...and I am always saying she needs to aim higher in her dating life. He is a GREAT guy. A Wonderful boyfriend and would probably treat her better than he did me (not saying he treated me bad at all...but I always felt like he kinda liked her). AND there's the fact that I have Bee. I LOVE Bee and I am so very happy in with him and with our life together that even if she wasn't dating my ex and he came back, wanting to be with me, I would turn him down.

But it still stings.....He, of all people, was off limits. She knew that. She swore she'd never go there...even if I said it was alright...with anyone of m ex's, but especially him....and she went there...

I still want to be friends with her. I still love her. However, I feel betrayed and I have lost some trust for her. I feel like I have so few friends that actually care for me and whatnot, that with this, it's like I feel alone.

I'm sure time will pass and I'll get over it...but it's going to be hard. And Awkward....