Winter Storm #57

Good grief, Charlie Brown! Last week was filled with mild temperatures, flooding, and sunshine. I think the coldest day we saw was 35 degrees. Then, Thursday afternoon it started snowing and didn't stop until Friday afternoon. When I got up Friday morning, the kids were off from school due to the weather. When I went to leave, I quickly realized I wasn't going anywhere fast.

The back door had so much wet, heavy snow in front of it, it wouldn't open. I tried to go out the front, and that wasn't much better. I had to shimmy my way out, only to not be able to see 15 feet in front of me, snow up to my knees, and my car was completely buried. I couldn't even get the garage door open to get a shovel or to the snow blower. So, back inside I went.

Bee came home and dug us out. What a good guy :) Today it's 45 degrees and everything is melting. The snow ontop of the netting over our pond got so heavy, it ripped the net, causing it to half collapse. I will have to wait until it melts before I can get a better look at the thing...

Hopefully this will be the last of it.... :/

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Ok, so I text. A lot. It's what helps get me through my day. Seriously, if I didn't have the Internet and my phone, I would die of boredom at work. There is not enough to do, at least for me, to keep my occupied. My work gets done, no doubt about it, but there is lots of down time. So, I check in with friends, or facebook or whatever.

My phone has this neat little ability to show you, when you hit "send" on a message, your last five texters (unless you hit "reply"). On more than one occasion, I have sent a text message in my blur of texting fingers, to the wrong person. Wouldn't be horrible, except I am usually talking about the person I accidentally sent it to. Now, when I say "talking about" them, I literally mean that. It's usually nothing life shattering and it's never anything vicious, but sometimes, it could be hurtful. Even if I am saying it in a playful way and meaning it in a playful way.

Two people I text the most are BFF Rose and Bee. SEVERAL times I have sent texts to Bee that were supposed to go to BFF Rose. Yeeeeeeahhh....Now, I don't really ever "talk bad" about Bee, so it's not life shattering, but I have said things in a straight forward, harsher way when talking to BFF Rose, than I would have if it were Bee. I also might have poked a little fun at him once or twice to her and it ended up going to him instead.

Today, we were having a discussion about an ex of mine and I said some harsh things. Things I would probably have no trouble saying to him directly, if he ever slimed out of the current hole he was in regarding me being prettier than his ex'es/past conquests and how it's not hard because my bathroom sponge looks better. Catty, I know. However, the text went to Bee instead of BFF Rose and well, he thought I was referring to him....especially since I have made no secret about his ex'es being um..let's just say unattractive,  and I think he was hurt.

I immediately laughed it off when he text me back to let me know, and informed him of the conversation and how it came to that point, and his response was "Oh...ok...lol" So, I think he believes me (I hope so! Because for once, it wasn't him lol!) and then, the guilt set it.

I was being catty, rude, and snotty. At the expense of someone else. Sure, it WAS at an ex, who is a d-bag, but I am told by God to turn the other cheek, not to gossip, or spread rumors...and on top of it, if even for a minute (hopefully) my baby, whom I love more than anyone or anything, thought it was about him..and that makes my stomach turn.

If anything, this is a lesson in not gossiping or making rude comments about others...you never know who may be listening...(or who your fat finger will send it to...)

It's a rainy day, It's a rainy day....

"I wish that I could go out to play..."

Ha, every time it rains, I think of that little song from Sesame Street and then I think of my mom. Who still sings it, to this day, every time it rains.

I really do want to go out any play though. It's been a long cold winter. I am a fan of my house, and like hanging out there, but I would rather do it outside, or at least with the windows open. It's about this time of year that the idea of the air just recirculating in my house drives me batty. I have even been known to crack a window when the mercury starts to hover around 50.

To me, there is nothing better than a lazy summer day. I would spend that day outside basking in the sun, gardening. Gardening is something I have never done, but in the quest for something that I can be good at, I am going to give it a whirl this year. After playing in the dirt, I would walk three houses over and take a swim with my friends in their pool. Then, crack open a cold one and lay in the sun. When that got too hot, I'd jump back in the water. If my friends weren't home, I'd drive the 1/4 mile to the beach and lay out there. After my nap, I'd come home and put some burgers, or even better, STEAK on the grill and then we would eat outside on the deck. Later, we would move the party to the front porch where there is a nice porch swing and some shade and enjoy a few cold ones while watching the sun set.

I miss summer. It's so beautiful in my little town in the summer.

I need to learn to keep my mouth shut...

I have this thing about me. I tend to think everyone is like me. I tend to think that they think just like me.

They don't.

Most people, including family members, don't get my situation. They don't understand. Very few people do. The ones that do, either are living almost the same exact situation, or they just love me enough to have not judged it long enough to begin to see it for what it is. A complicated, webby mess? Sure. Bad? No more so than any other situation.

They mean well. They either care deeply for me, or they are just good humans by nature and want to offer help or sage advice to wayward souls, lost along the way. Problem is, I am not wayward. Nor am I lost, thankyouverymuch, and as odd as it may seem to you, I am happy and right where I want to be.

The first part of the story most people can't seem to swallow is why. Why would I, a 30 year old woman, who has never been married, and never had kids, and wants both very much, want to spend my time even casually dating, let a lone living with, a 41 year old man and his full time, live in children who have, for the most part, absentee moms. Then, throw in the fact that he is "obsessed" (I prefer the term "passionate) with xbox and football, and therefore lacks the passion to clean the house, do laundry, make home made meals, spend obscene amounts of time at the park/rink/backyard/library with the kids doing whatever is they want to do, on top of working 40+ hours a week at a very labor intensive job.

The next question, while still not understanding the first, is always "How come?" How come you "allow" him to play football? How come you "allow" him to play Xbox? How come you are taking off work because the kids are sick? How come you clean his house, make his dinner? Take care of his kids? How come? How Come? How Come?!

God forbid, I ever lose my schmidt and complain for 15 seconds about something that happened at home, and it's "I don't know why you even stay." Or, "How can you put up with that?!" "He should be kissing your feet, for all that you do"

Here's the thing. I know these people are trying to be helpful. I know they are trying to be my "friend", or "Look out for my best interest" but really? You do not know my situation. You are not living my life. While I might have said that I was tired because Little Man was up coughing all night, that does not open the door for you to criticize my life.

I do not have to answer to anyone but God, but for those who must know...

"Why?" Why? Well, why do you love your husband? That's the same reason I love mine. I may not have a ring, yet....but it's coming, and it will come when the time is right. Until then, I choose to be with him. He makes me happy, my soul smile, and my world a better place. He gets me. He knows when to encourage me, when to cut me some slack, when to tell me to sack up and be a man, and when to just hold me. He laughs at my stupid jokes and shares my dark/weird/gross/immature/lame sense of humor. He makes me feel loved, valued, special, and worthy. He is my best friend and I can truly be me around him and he wouldn't think any less of me. Do I want to strangle the life force from his very body sometimes? Sure. Does he anger me, frustrate me, confuse me, antagonize me, and push me to my very limits sometimes? Yes, but that's all a part of loving someone. You can't appreciate the ups without the downs. He also has three kids. Those three kids have absentee d-bag mommies for the most part. Loving him, also means loving his kids. Living with him, also means pulling mommy duty, but without the actual title or "respect". I knew that going in. I wouldn't have it any other way.

How Come? Well, that's none of your business really. Listen, everyone has a "love language". It's the language in which you prefer to have love expressed to you. Sure, we say it 17 times a day, and no doubt mean it, but sometimes it goes deeper than that. Plus, I was raised to believe that men and woman, while equal in most parts of life, have clearly defined gender roles. Plus, there are some things you have to just pick your battles about. Yes, I cook, clean, do laundry for everyone, make lunches, keep our schedules, and take time off when the kids are sick. But if we waited around for Bee to cook, we'd starve or be 1345894 lbs because we'd eat fast food all the time...again. If I let Bee worry about cleaning, our new house would look like his old one. Not because he likes to live like a pig, but because cleaning is just low on his priority list. He will wash you clothes every day if you need him to, but remembering to take them out of the dryer, fold them, and put them away? It doesn't register in his brain. Same thing with lunches and keeping schedules. He can't remember what he did yesterday, let along which kid has what appointment next week. Once again, I ask you, do your Husbands/boyfriends do all of this? Or is it you. Yeah, I'm betting it's you. As for taking time off when his kids are sick, he would do it, but he does not get paid for time he takes off. Since he makes double what I do, it's important he brings home all his money. I get paid time off.

Football and Xbox are another hot button with most people. He is a grown man. I don't "allow" or "not allow" him to do anything. He does what he wants, just as I do want I want. The key is, we respect each other. Football is his passion. He loves it. I guarantee that if you spent 15 minutes with this man, you will walk away with at least an appreciation of the game too. It makes him happy, it makes him feel like he is a part of something bigger than him. He gets his male bonding in, his testosterone pumping, and gets his aggressions out. It makes him happy. If he were a skilled pianist, would you judge him for playing the piano? His games/practice are also something we, as in his family, can be a part of, and support him in, so we get to be involved too. Why do you go watch your kids play in 12 degree weather? Because supporting them and seeing the enjoyment in their eyes is worth it. Same thing here. Besides, Thursdays and Sunday's when he's gone, I know exactly where he is (Not that there is an issue with that...) and on Saturday nights, instead of being at home while he is out with the boys at a strip club or where ever, I am watching and cheering him on from the stands. He's a happy guy when he's playing football and I like a happy guy. Same thing with Xbox. I can do what I need to do around the house and he is content. It's how he relaxes. He does xbox, I do wine and facebook.

It's called living in a partnership. Sure, I do all those "wifely" things. More than most women, granted. I am proud to do it. Plus, I am a control freak and we all know if we let them do it, it wouldn't get done, or at least not the right way, to my crazy standards. Why fight, yell and scream, and get my panties in a bunch trying to make them do it, when I can do it myself and save the frustration? Besides, while I do what it is that I do, Bee has his own jobs. He takes care of the vehicles. That means, gas, oil, transmission fluid, brake fluid, windshield wiper fluid, windshield wipers, tires, and anything else to do with 2-4 wheels and a motor. He is responsible for making sure the snow is cleared, the sidewalks too, and salted. In the spring/summer he is on lawn and gutter duty. He is also animal/critter/bug dispatcher. He can be in the middle of a game and winning, but if he hears me scream "SPIDER!", it's his job to come find me and kill it. He also grocery shops because mama can't handle that kind of stress.  It's how we show our love for each other. If I had a ring on my finger, or if I had a ring and the kids came from my hoo-hah, no one would question it. EVER. Because, that is just what you do. But because we are not, and the kids aren't mine, I'm a door-mat and he's a lazy, good for nothing man who is taking advantage. It all kind of makes me sad, because that is so not the case.

Maybe I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut and not share any "personal" information about my life to anyone but those I know "get it".....

Happy 1st birthday to....

ME!!! It's my Bloggy birthday! I started ye olde Blog exactly one year ago today! I didn't know where I'd go with it, but here I am, one year later! I have to say that for the most part, I am happy with the blog. I'd like to refine my writing a bit, but overall, not too shabby! :)

For the most part, this blog is exactly what I wanted it to be. A diary of my thoughts and emotions, bad and good, a timeline, a scrapbook, and a history of events in my new life. I can see, just from going back how much I have grown and changed in the last year. How I have become more secure in some things, and how other still burn my biscuits or get me going. I went from being completely anonymous, to letting out some of my identity. Really, at this point, I don't care who finds this blog. I am finally secure enough in myself, that it doesn't really matter. This blog is me. It's my feelings. It's how I see things. As for those who might use any information from this blog to try and sabotage my relationship, we are past the point of that having any effect. At one time, I was afraid that someone, namely the Grandparents Of the Year, could use information from here to try to take custody from Bee. But, then I learned some family law and realized we'd have to have the kids in cages with no food and water for extended periods of time for them to even have a snowballs chance...and really, anyone can tell from the pictures here and the stories of our lives that these kids are well loved and well taken care of.

Moving on, I have enjoyed blogging. Even when I have nothing to say, I enjoy the outlet. I enjoy looking back, even now, on the previous posts. I can't wait when I celebrate my 5 year post, and look back then. Hopefully, there will be posts with pictures from my wedding and from the birth of my first child. Who knows! A lot can happen in a year!

Some of my favorites from the last year are:

Reflecting on why alarm clocks after kids is not important
My Dance with a spider
My Special Day with the kids
The Day I got the Best news!
Our First Family "Vacation"
Ultimate Fighting!
The Hard work was done

An open Letter

Dear Mr. President,

What the Hell, man?! YES WE CAN! "Yes we can" what? Go broke trying to just go to work to feed our families? I'm not trying to road trip to a kegger at Hilton Head, I just want to go to work. How can I be thankful for the job I have in this tough economy, when I am spending my paycheck on my gas tank? Here's an Idea. Why don't you stop spending millions of dollars in tax money on fuel and staff for Air Force One, and oh, I don't know, STAY HOME for like 2 days in a row. You have a giant house that has like 400 bedrooms, invite people to your pad once in awhile.

Why don't you fix THIS, instead of worrying out our space program. Why don't you help a brutha or sista out, instead of worrying about Lybia, Hatti, Egypt, or Saudi Arabia. How about, instead of beating that dead horse we call "Heath Care", why don't you FIX the GAS situation. I'm not going to give a rats ass about my medical bills, if I can't even afford to DRIVE to the doctor's office.  

What happened to "alternate fuel" sources? Here's an idea. Instead of telling ME to go buy a Prius, why don't you do something about making them affordable to "normal" Americans like myself. I do not have your budget. I can not afford a $35,000.00+ car that seats 2 and a half. I have a family of 5. We play sports. We like to leave our house as a family unit on occasion. 

I know you can prattle on about "What about George Bush. He didn't do much to help!" Listen, he is not in charge anymore. You can not use him as a scapegoat anymore. You are trying for a second term and I have YET to see you do anything...let alone anything that has impressed me. YOU are in charge, not big oil. FIX THIS!

A concerned, law abiding, tax paying, citizen. (AKA: YOUR BOSS)

-Monkee 

Thursday 13

Because I'm sick, damn it!

1. I am on what feels like day 109 of this God forsaken sickness. Just when I get to the point in the day when I start to feel like maybe I am on the road to recovery, I start to feel crappy again. Ugh!

2. Sick or not, I am having my Girls Night Out tomorrow. Miss A. has Friday nights free every other Friday. As of late, we have been taking turns coming out to see each other. We usually do dinner, then back to the "host" 's house for a glass or two of wine. The past couple of times it's worked out to where Bee had something going on that night too, so I didn't feel guilty leaving him, and yet, he was occupied and so was I. It also makes me feel like I have something that's my own activity without him. Makes me feel like I'm my own person. Not, that being with him isn't great, because it is! However, I moved an hour away from everything and everyone I knew to be with him and help him raise his kids. I lost myself a little bit becoming so absorbed into his life. Not a bad thing, but I do need a few things to be "monkee" things only..if for no other reason than my sanity ;)

3. Work is going to drive me to drink. Between trying to implement a new system and having to "double entry" everything, to having the "bond Nazi" email you to death if you forgot (or in my case, ran out of time) to double enter stuff. Also, sometimes workin here feels like I'm back in Jr. High. There was an incident today at lunch. Someone was upset that someone else (who has full rights to be there, just like anyone) was sitting at the table they always sit at. There was a hissy fit, some whining, and some complaining. Good grief, Charlie Brown.

4.  Being  sick, I have lost the energy to care....about anything. Shoes by the door when I walk in? Whatever. Dishes left on the table? Who cares! Coffee? I'll the the whole pot! Vitamins? Who needs those? Little man "sneaking" the fact that he has worn the same outfit or a slight variation of said outfit to school 4 days in a row? NO BIG DEAL! Dinner? On your own, folks! Leaving the house looking like death? Sign me up! At least I shower and brush my teeth...

5. My Niece turned one yesterday. Her party is Sunday. I was invited, but I am not going. My reason is that I am sick. But, that just happens to be a coincidence. The real reason is that the mother and my brother are no longer together. It has been a messy couple of weeks. While I LOVE my brother, he is clearly being the Jackhole in the situation. I don't know why the split, or who's "fault" it was, but HE is the one acting like a 5 year old. He was even invited to the party, up until about a day or so ago when he caused a big scene which caused her father to step in and remove my niece from between them because they were having a tugging match on her carrier with her in it. If I was well, I feel like going to the party at her house (my mom is having one at her house for my brother and our friends and family) that I would be seen as "taking sides". I DID email Jessica and tell her I will always consider her as family and her other daughter my niece as well and to let me know if she needed anything ever.

6. Speaking of my brother. He always lashes out at me when he's angry about anything. Why? because that's how he deals with anger/sadness/frustration and he knows that of everyone, I will stick around. Maybe it's being an enabler...maybe it's being a good sister. I don't know. But it's getting tiresome. He hates Bee (he's met him twice), he hates that I moved away, he thinks Bee doesn't really love me or care for me (like I said, met him twice), and he thinks I am "blind". This time around, I don't know how long I will take his abuse. I love my life, I am happy with all my choices, I have no regrets. He needs to be happy I am happy, even if he doesn't agree with my choices. I know I have never agreed with his choices, but I have always been happy and supportive of him no matter what.

7. I am really kind of into American Idol this season. Only thing is, I am usually a day or two behind with them recorded on my DVR. I hate when people talk about it the next day because chances are good I have yet to see it!

8. C had her "Walk in Their Shoes" even last night. She served a meal to handicapped kids, did laps around the track, and listened to a marching band that was made up of all blind kids! She had a blast! She got a pin and a tshirt too. She is so proud of them. I am proud of her.

9. I have a bad case of spring fever. The sun has been out, and that makes me want to open my windows and get the stale, germ ridden, air OUT of my house. Problem is, it's only been 30 degrees :/

10. Saturday after Bee's Flag game, we went three houses down to our friend's house where they were having beers by the bonfire. Yes, it was snowing. Yes it was 25 degrees with snow up to your knees, there was a GIANT bon fire so it was all good. Their dog ever joined us, wrapped up in his blankie!

11. As I grow older, I have less and less patience for anything, let alone ineptitude.

12. I really hate the fact that the Grandparents of the Year have to be so sneaky about everything. It makes the kids feel they have to be sneaky. C "snuck" a letter out to the mailbox yesterday for her mom. It's like, Bee and I got them stamps and sheets of labels with their mom's address. They need only ask for an envelope, and it's theirs. Why do you need to hide? Because Grandma (and no doubt, mom) makes them feel like they do.

13. When the first warm day hits, I am running, not walking, but running to the Sunset Grille, ordering a GIANT glass of wine, cheese and meat plate, and enjoy views like this:

I'm getting baptized! Again!

So, Bee and I decided we want to join the church we have been going to since 2 weeks before Christmas. We attending the new member class on Sunday to learn all about the church, what they stand for, their history, and to ask any questions we may have.

I really wanted to go because I come from a very "formal" or maybe traditional is the better word, church background. Bee has attended just about every kind of church, but prefers the more contemporary. I have certain things I look for, such as, I want the pastor to have a College degree in religion. I want him (yes, HIM. Nothing against females, just not comfortable with them as my pastor PERSONALLY) to have gone to college to be a pastor. I want the church to be Bible Based. I'm sorry, but God left us the Bible as his word and testament, church should revolve around that and it's teachings. I also want communion. Preferably every week. Bread AND wine. What's the point of only doing part of the ceremony when God's intent was we should partake in it all?

This church has everything I listed above. However, they only do communion once a month. Which, they have all my other requirements, so I'm ok with that. Plus we really like it. They are accepting of us, the fact we live together and are not married (sure, they prefer we be married, but they extend us Grace.) They accept that Bee is divorced. They are loving and have welcomed us all. The kids love Don, who seems to be the matriarch of the church and he loves them. They also like the Sunday School program too. Plus, they have camp! Also, the church is all of 1/4 of a mile from my house. We can walk on nice sunny days!

Now, on to me personally. I was baptized as an infant in the Episcopal church. The very same church I attended until I was 9 and then, we stopped going all together until I was 18. Then I attended the very same church from my childhood until I was 28. My mother says that when I was four, I asked her all about Jesus. After she told me, I asked my mother to pray to Jesus with me so he would live in my heart. That is how I was saved. Cute right? Well, here's the problem. I don't remember it, I was 4. I surely believe in Jesus and that he died for me. I believe in what the bible says. I have prayed the prayer of salvation numerous times. I just never have felt that "Saved!" moment. I've never had the leap of faith to stand before anyone let alone my congregation, and say, "yes. My name is Monkee and I, being of sound mind, body, and faith, accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior." But, now, this is my time to do just that.

The Baptists baptize you only when you are old enough to decide for yourself, that you want to be saved. They also Baptize by submersion (ie: you get dunked). In order to join the church, I have to be baptized this way. At first, I was a little offended because I felt like maybe they were telling me they don't recognize my first baptism. Or that it didn't count for anything. Then Pastor Mike explained, that they do accept it, and it does count, but look at re-baptising as having it done the way Jesus was baptized and using it as a reaffirmation of my faith. He also said, it's not uncommon for anyone who has been away from the church for awhile to get baptized again as a way of purifying themselves. It totally makes sense!

So, I am getting baptized again. Little Man too, most likely. My mom seems to be a little leery. I explained the reasoning to her and she seemed ok, but I think she too felt a little put off, like my first one as a baby didn't count. But, I know she'll still be there, along with everyone else I love, to celebrate with me! I can do it whenever I want, but I prefer to wait for warmer weather. Bee said, "We'll be INSIDE, what does it matter?!" But look, our friends have a heated pool. I won't swim in it when it's 85 degrees out because I get too chilly once I get wet and I don't like to be cold. ha! Pastor says we can do it out at camp in the river, which would be really kind of cool but, I'm not sure which I want yet. Church or outside? Hmmm....

At any rate, I am super excited...nervous too...but mostly excited!

Happy Birthday, Isabella!

To my beautiful, precious, happy, bundle of Joy niece:

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY!!! May God bless you on your special day! Aunt Monkee Loves you!

Is it too much to ask

Not to be sick anymore?

I am sick...again! I think whatever I had two weeks ago just went dormant. I never really did get rid of my cough. Bee spent the weekend sick. Which meant, I was taking care of him, and no matter how I positioned myself, he would manage to sleep the whole night breathing and coughing in my face. Yesterday and today I feel like I have a full blown cold. Or sinus iinfection. Either way.

I just want 60 degree weather for a week to air out my house and get these germs out of here!