1. I am so tired. I have been exhausted since last week.
2. I am not sleeping well.
3. I have an overwhelming feeling of insecurity for like the past 3 weeks.
4. Money. Just when I start to see a "light" at the end of the tunnel, I realize, it's just the head light on the freight train that's heading right for me.
5. My job is mind numbing and soul sucking, yet I can't think of anything else I would even want to do.
6. Frustration. Someone is hurting and I feel powerless. I don't know what to do for them.
7. My dad leaves for Arizona in 3 days...
8. J's mom is a freaking moron. Dealing with her is like beating my head on the wall.
9. I have cramps. It makes me feel like my womb is trying to get up and leave from the inside out.
10. I miss my BFF
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
The end is just a new begginning, or some crap.
This was a football weekend for sure. Friday, we went to the Perry Vs. Riverside football game at the high school. It is a HUGE Rivalry game. We went to see our friend's little girl cheer with the big kids. I accidentally wore the rival colors too. Oops! Oh well. Perry did great and beat Riverside 27-20. Woot!
It was also one of the few annual cluster Eff's of a schedule we run into every year. Bee's football season goes from May (officially) until August..ish...simply meaning, depending on how the schedule falls, we are usually going into about the second week of August. If we do really well and make playoffs, then we can go as late as September. Only the first year I knew Bee did we get that far. Round one, then done. Sigh.
Anyway, C's football starts end of July. Every day. I may have mentioned this once or twice. It's kind of a pain in the ass. Mainly because until "August..ish", She has practice everyday from 6-8pm, and Tuesday and Thursday He has practice from 6-8:30pm. Since he coaches her team, he is gone on her practice nights as well. It's not so bad because the the other are pretty self sufficient, but I have to run her to and fro when he is at his practice. Then, there is the very rare chance they will both have a game on the same day. Usually when this happens, the planets align, pluto is in retrograde, and his game is in like, Timbuktu...or Detroit.
Which brings us to this weekend. I already wasn't thrilled with the idea of him going to this game. Let me stop right here and state for the record, I think it is GREAT he loves football. I think it's GREAT he can still play it at 41 and not only that but still "has it" as it were, that he can START when he plays. I am so very happy that my man has something of his OWN to be passionate about and enjoy. I would NEVER take that from him...ever. I say this not for praise or awards or anything, but I give up a lot for football. I do it willingly and I ENJOY watching him. In fact, I sometimes get into it more than he does...and when he told me he was thinking of joining on with this other team for the remainder of their games this season, I really was 100% on board with that. His obligations to the Rams were fulfilled. Our season was over. If he wanted to get in a few more games somewhere else, rock on. However, I told him not to over extend himself and remember his other commitments. Namely, C's football. He took on a coaching position with them. He needs to make sure he is there.
C's first game was this weekend. Bee had a game this weekend too. In Detroit. If they won, and the team we were SUPPOSED to play last weekend lost, then, they would be in the playoffs. Or maybe it was the other team had to win too. I don't know, I just know there was some chance they would be going for a ring. My baby desperately wants some bling from his football career. He told me of his dilemma and my first thought was "YOUR DAUGHTER! YOUR DAUGHTERS FIRST GAME AS QB MEANS THE WORLD TO HER. YOU NEED TO BE HERE. THIS TEAM? THIS TEAM IS NOT YOUR TEAM. YOU HAVE NO LOYALTY TO THEM. C'S TEAM YOU DO. YOU NEED TO STAY" However, I am not going to tell him that. I told him, even though I would be super bummed to miss his game, and I was NOT Happy to not be able to go with him, I would stay behind and take C to her game if he chose to go. It took him all of 3 minutes to decide that was exactly what he was going to do. Sigh. Then, he was going to stay the night too.
Yeah. We had words about that. I told him later he needed to at least ask C what she felt. He said he did and she said it was fine....Men. I swear. Of course she is going to tell you that. You are her daddy. You are her hero. On some level, she understands...but really, she wants you there, but SHE knows YOU want to go to YOUR game, so she will tell you what you want to hear. Just like she tells her mom what she wants to hear. So, anyway....we kissed him goodbye on Saturday at noon and wished him all the luck.
C's game was at 4, but she needed to be at the field at 2:30. She got her Jersey...
We hung around and took a few snaps to warm up...
Then, the coach showed up and told us we were actually in white today...
Then, after much, much, waiting. The game began. It started off well! We chose to receive the ball. They opened the game by kicking off to us, and one of our big burly linemen picked up the ball and ran in it for a 70 yard touchdown!!!
C played offense (QB) and Defence (Defensive Tackle). She did amazing!!
After all was said and done, they WON 13-6! She was told by several spectators from both our side and the opposing teams what an AMAZING quarterback she is. How she ruled that game, and how they can't believe this is a new position for her. Her coach told Bee later that they don't name individual kids as game MVP's, or really focus on an individual player at all...but if they DID, she would have been it!
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| Natalie and Oliva, Isabella's Sisters Cheering HER on :) |
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| Isabella Ready to Cheer! |
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| This is what we think of the Riverside Beavers.... |
It was also one of the few annual cluster Eff's of a schedule we run into every year. Bee's football season goes from May (officially) until August..ish...simply meaning, depending on how the schedule falls, we are usually going into about the second week of August. If we do really well and make playoffs, then we can go as late as September. Only the first year I knew Bee did we get that far. Round one, then done. Sigh.
Anyway, C's football starts end of July. Every day. I may have mentioned this once or twice. It's kind of a pain in the ass. Mainly because until "August..ish", She has practice everyday from 6-8pm, and Tuesday and Thursday He has practice from 6-8:30pm. Since he coaches her team, he is gone on her practice nights as well. It's not so bad because the the other are pretty self sufficient, but I have to run her to and fro when he is at his practice. Then, there is the very rare chance they will both have a game on the same day. Usually when this happens, the planets align, pluto is in retrograde, and his game is in like, Timbuktu...or Detroit.
Which brings us to this weekend. I already wasn't thrilled with the idea of him going to this game. Let me stop right here and state for the record, I think it is GREAT he loves football. I think it's GREAT he can still play it at 41 and not only that but still "has it" as it were, that he can START when he plays. I am so very happy that my man has something of his OWN to be passionate about and enjoy. I would NEVER take that from him...ever. I say this not for praise or awards or anything, but I give up a lot for football. I do it willingly and I ENJOY watching him. In fact, I sometimes get into it more than he does...and when he told me he was thinking of joining on with this other team for the remainder of their games this season, I really was 100% on board with that. His obligations to the Rams were fulfilled. Our season was over. If he wanted to get in a few more games somewhere else, rock on. However, I told him not to over extend himself and remember his other commitments. Namely, C's football. He took on a coaching position with them. He needs to make sure he is there.
C's first game was this weekend. Bee had a game this weekend too. In Detroit. If they won, and the team we were SUPPOSED to play last weekend lost, then, they would be in the playoffs. Or maybe it was the other team had to win too. I don't know, I just know there was some chance they would be going for a ring. My baby desperately wants some bling from his football career. He told me of his dilemma and my first thought was "YOUR DAUGHTER! YOUR DAUGHTERS FIRST GAME AS QB MEANS THE WORLD TO HER. YOU NEED TO BE HERE. THIS TEAM? THIS TEAM IS NOT YOUR TEAM. YOU HAVE NO LOYALTY TO THEM. C'S TEAM YOU DO. YOU NEED TO STAY" However, I am not going to tell him that. I told him, even though I would be super bummed to miss his game, and I was NOT Happy to not be able to go with him, I would stay behind and take C to her game if he chose to go. It took him all of 3 minutes to decide that was exactly what he was going to do. Sigh. Then, he was going to stay the night too.
Yeah. We had words about that. I told him later he needed to at least ask C what she felt. He said he did and she said it was fine....Men. I swear. Of course she is going to tell you that. You are her daddy. You are her hero. On some level, she understands...but really, she wants you there, but SHE knows YOU want to go to YOUR game, so she will tell you what you want to hear. Just like she tells her mom what she wants to hear. So, anyway....we kissed him goodbye on Saturday at noon and wished him all the luck.
C's game was at 4, but she needed to be at the field at 2:30. She got her Jersey...
We hung around and took a few snaps to warm up...
Then, the coach showed up and told us we were actually in white today...
After all was said and done, they WON 13-6! She was told by several spectators from both our side and the opposing teams what an AMAZING quarterback she is. How she ruled that game, and how they can't believe this is a new position for her. Her coach told Bee later that they don't name individual kids as game MVP's, or really focus on an individual player at all...but if they DID, she would have been it!
Friday, August 26, 2011
It's Friday, and I've barely made it...
I am so very tired. Losing a whole hour of sleep will do that that you. Last night, I pulled "single mom" duty because I am sweet and loving, and trying to speak Bee's love language. He didn't want to stop playing football. He wasn't quite done yet. So, he asked what I thought about him tagging on for the last 4 games (in other words, half the season ) to another local team here in the area. Just a player, not an owner or anything. I told him whatever makes him happy, but don't over extend yourself and remember your current commitments that you already have made take the front seat. Playing for this other team doesn't.
So far, I have had to pick up the slack and do Taxi service, as well as cheering section for C's football between one and two times a week the past 2 weeks so he could attend his practice. It wasn't so bad when they were still on summer break, but school has started and we have a schedule to keep. Nevermind the fact that I am not going to drop her off and come back in 2 hours. It it was at Perry, sure. But it's one city away and I am not wasting the trip. Meanwhile, this means that chores at home are not getting done so when I walk in the door at 8:30, I have to cook dinner, serve dinner, make sure baths happen, check homework, sign notebooks, hear about our days, clean UP dinner, and make 5 lunches...oh, and still try to get them in bed by 9pm. Then Bee comes home and is all like "Baby, I am STARVING! didn't you cook anything?!"
Yeah, he is lucky he is cute.
By the way, he has yet to play with this team. Why? Well, because every time he goes to play, they end up canceling the game because the other team forfeited for some reason or another. C has her first game this weekend. Saturday afternoon to be exact. Bee has his first game with the other team this weekend too. In Detroit. At 7:00pm. Sigh....Bee is going to Detroit alone, and I am staying behind and doing mommy duty. I hope they both win! :)
Needless to say though, I am tired. The kids got to bed by 9:15. I say, that's not too shabby all things considering. I managed to feed Bee. Feed myself. Although, by the time I sat down to eat, I wasn't really hungry and ended up giving him the rest of my tuna on a bagel :) I had yet to really relax myself, so we sat up and talked, and then it was bed time. It was 11:30. Blah. That alarm went off in what seemed like 35 seconds. I am hoping a weekend at home will get me rested for next week. School is in full swing by then.
Soo...Sleeeeepy....zzzzz.....
So far, I have had to pick up the slack and do Taxi service, as well as cheering section for C's football between one and two times a week the past 2 weeks so he could attend his practice. It wasn't so bad when they were still on summer break, but school has started and we have a schedule to keep. Nevermind the fact that I am not going to drop her off and come back in 2 hours. It it was at Perry, sure. But it's one city away and I am not wasting the trip. Meanwhile, this means that chores at home are not getting done so when I walk in the door at 8:30, I have to cook dinner, serve dinner, make sure baths happen, check homework, sign notebooks, hear about our days, clean UP dinner, and make 5 lunches...oh, and still try to get them in bed by 9pm. Then Bee comes home and is all like "Baby, I am STARVING! didn't you cook anything?!"
Yeah, he is lucky he is cute.
By the way, he has yet to play with this team. Why? Well, because every time he goes to play, they end up canceling the game because the other team forfeited for some reason or another. C has her first game this weekend. Saturday afternoon to be exact. Bee has his first game with the other team this weekend too. In Detroit. At 7:00pm. Sigh....Bee is going to Detroit alone, and I am staying behind and doing mommy duty. I hope they both win! :)
Needless to say though, I am tired. The kids got to bed by 9:15. I say, that's not too shabby all things considering. I managed to feed Bee. Feed myself. Although, by the time I sat down to eat, I wasn't really hungry and ended up giving him the rest of my tuna on a bagel :) I had yet to really relax myself, so we sat up and talked, and then it was bed time. It was 11:30. Blah. That alarm went off in what seemed like 35 seconds. I am hoping a weekend at home will get me rested for next week. School is in full swing by then.
Soo...Sleeeeepy....zzzzz.....
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Do you smell that? Do you hear that?
That would be the smell of my C-L-E-A-N mud room and kitchen. Believe it or not, the two dirtiest rooms in my house. Funny thing is, they looked clean. However when I started scrubbing, the dirt that came off...the shine that was left was blinding! Things look soo much better now! What's even more awesomer? My kids are in school All.Day.Long! They can't mess it up while I am gone! Just the blasted cat...but she can't dump food everywhere...well...she can..never mind. I am feeling the stress melt away and the excitement of the new school year, fall, family time, HOLIDAYS, and all the memories of a new "year".
Do you hear that? That would be the sound of quiet. Quiet after 8pm. They are bathing then. Not together though. That's weird. But, while one bathes, the other two are packing backpacks, getting their stuff set out etc. Then, it's BED TIME. The sound is also the sound of organization. I heart organization. I love that everything has a place. Everyone has a schedule. There is an order to things. I get home at 5:45. I make dinner. We check homework. Kids eat. Perhaps play a little long outside, then it's bath time. Then, bed. Lather, Rinse, Repeat! I am sure I will hate school and all it's schooly goodness in about a month, but for now? It's Awesome.
J came home with a paper explaining her 12th grade research paper. Holy S, ya'll. It stressed me out just reading it. When I was in High School, it was common knowledge that every year you had to do a research report for English. If you didn't do it, or you failed it, you failed the quarter. Now, to an underachiever like me (I also want to interject and say I think I have some mild ADD too, because I wouldn't know where to begin, get overwhelmed, and shut down...hell, I'm like that now.) all this meant was I didn't have to do it. As long as I pulled C's and D's the rest of the year and did decent of my final, I'd still pass. J's paper? If she doesn't do it, or fails it, or doesn't do it in the specific order of the 87 and a half steps the teacher laid out, she fails. Period. Not just English 12, either. She will not graduate come June. No matter what her other grades are. End of story. Fineto.
Oh yeah, this totally in depth, research report with it's 87 and a half steps is due, DUE, November 11th.
Way to Ruin my birthday weekend, asshats. I say ruin my, Birthday weekend, because J is just like me. She has the same work ethic I did, which is none. Oh, she'll start out with good intentions. May even pick her book with actual interest and thought. Knowing J, she will probably read it too. But that's about it. I am going to have to stay on her. Check her work. Show her where it's lacking. Show her where it needs editing. FORCE her to work on it. Stand over her shoulder if need be, because her dad and I both know, if left on her own, she would surely not do it/fail it/forget to turn it in/not read the book etc. Last night HE even panicked when he read the paper. "She doesn't have TIME to do all this! She DOESN'T HAVE TIME!!!!!"Which, at that point, I might as well do the paper too. Eff. My. Life. Stupid English teacher.
This is J's final year of high school. I want her to earn that $100. I want her to go out with good grades, and hopefully an waay better work ethic. I want better for her that what I did with my life. Not that I regret my life, or the paths I took, because they all lead me here....but I wouldn't have struggled. I want better for her. Now that I can access her her assignments/grades on line daily, when it can still make a difference, I plan on staying on top of her. If she slips, and her dad and I can't help, I am calling to get her a tutor. Might as well take advantage of the free help that is available!
All in all, the first day was a success. Bee and I celebrated by sending them all off to bed, and going out and grabbing a beer, or 3 ;) It was a fun time. I can not wait to see what the school year brings!
Do you hear that? That would be the sound of quiet. Quiet after 8pm. They are bathing then. Not together though. That's weird. But, while one bathes, the other two are packing backpacks, getting their stuff set out etc. Then, it's BED TIME. The sound is also the sound of organization. I heart organization. I love that everything has a place. Everyone has a schedule. There is an order to things. I get home at 5:45. I make dinner. We check homework. Kids eat. Perhaps play a little long outside, then it's bath time. Then, bed. Lather, Rinse, Repeat! I am sure I will hate school and all it's schooly goodness in about a month, but for now? It's Awesome.
J came home with a paper explaining her 12th grade research paper. Holy S, ya'll. It stressed me out just reading it. When I was in High School, it was common knowledge that every year you had to do a research report for English. If you didn't do it, or you failed it, you failed the quarter. Now, to an underachiever like me (I also want to interject and say I think I have some mild ADD too, because I wouldn't know where to begin, get overwhelmed, and shut down...hell, I'm like that now.) all this meant was I didn't have to do it. As long as I pulled C's and D's the rest of the year and did decent of my final, I'd still pass. J's paper? If she doesn't do it, or fails it, or doesn't do it in the specific order of the 87 and a half steps the teacher laid out, she fails. Period. Not just English 12, either. She will not graduate come June. No matter what her other grades are. End of story. Fineto.
Oh yeah, this totally in depth, research report with it's 87 and a half steps is due, DUE, November 11th.
Way to Ruin my birthday weekend, asshats. I say ruin my, Birthday weekend, because J is just like me. She has the same work ethic I did, which is none. Oh, she'll start out with good intentions. May even pick her book with actual interest and thought. Knowing J, she will probably read it too. But that's about it. I am going to have to stay on her. Check her work. Show her where it's lacking. Show her where it needs editing. FORCE her to work on it. Stand over her shoulder if need be, because her dad and I both know, if left on her own, she would surely not do it/fail it/forget to turn it in/not read the book etc. Last night HE even panicked when he read the paper. "She doesn't have TIME to do all this! She DOESN'T HAVE TIME!!!!!"Which, at that point, I might as well do the paper too. Eff. My. Life. Stupid English teacher.
This is J's final year of high school. I want her to earn that $100. I want her to go out with good grades, and hopefully an waay better work ethic. I want better for her that what I did with my life. Not that I regret my life, or the paths I took, because they all lead me here....but I wouldn't have struggled. I want better for her. Now that I can access her her assignments/grades on line daily, when it can still make a difference, I plan on staying on top of her. If she slips, and her dad and I can't help, I am calling to get her a tutor. Might as well take advantage of the free help that is available!
All in all, the first day was a success. Bee and I celebrated by sending them all off to bed, and going out and grabbing a beer, or 3 ;) It was a fun time. I can not wait to see what the school year brings!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Back to School....Back to school....
I had all sorts of plans for last night. They involved scrubbing and cleaning a kitchen. Going through a certain 3rd graders school supplies, and sorting that same 3rd graders clothes. Then, Bee decided to not go to practice and stay home. Which means I needed to make dinner earlier than I planned. By the time I did that, I was dog tired and really wanted to spend time with my guy, who I don't get to see much during the week when football is going on. However, I did manage to go through the Little Man's school supplies, fold two loads of laundry, cook two dinners and clean up after them (Bee and I had cabbage and noodles. Kiddos don't like that, so they had hot dogs and noodles), and make sure all three were bathed and at the very least in their beds with the lights out by 9pm.
The alarm went off very early this morning. I got up, got myself ready, then went and made my rounds. J was up and so was C (they claim they were only awake a few minutes), then it was little man's turn. He was sleeping soundly. They all came into the kitchen and had breakfast and I unloaded the dishwasher as my coffee was brewing. I was struck by how much I missed that time with them. :) Then, it was outside on the porch for first day pictures. I am a little obsessed with the app on my phone right now, so they are all decorated :)
J was first
Then, Little Man
Finally, last but certainly not least, C.
Then they went upstairs, and argued about who was brushing their teeth first as I yelled up "Ya'll are going to be LATE for the BUS if you don't put some hustle in it!!"
Ah yes, these are the special memories we will always remember.
Tonight, Bee has practice with C. Therefore, there will be some scrubbing done in the kitchen!
Welcome Back, School. 180 days left!
The alarm went off very early this morning. I got up, got myself ready, then went and made my rounds. J was up and so was C (they claim they were only awake a few minutes), then it was little man's turn. He was sleeping soundly. They all came into the kitchen and had breakfast and I unloaded the dishwasher as my coffee was brewing. I was struck by how much I missed that time with them. :) Then, it was outside on the porch for first day pictures. I am a little obsessed with the app on my phone right now, so they are all decorated :)
Then they went upstairs, and argued about who was brushing their teeth first as I yelled up "Ya'll are going to be LATE for the BUS if you don't put some hustle in it!!"
Ah yes, these are the special memories we will always remember.
Tonight, Bee has practice with C. Therefore, there will be some scrubbing done in the kitchen!
Welcome Back, School. 180 days left!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
It hurts so good!
School starts tomorrow. It hurts. It hurts me in my soul. However, the thought of getting back into a schedule, my kids in dreamland by nine, having them all in one place, ORGANIZATION, People...well, that feels good. Exciting. The temperatures haven't gotten out of the low to mid seventies and at night? Cool, breezy air. Not too cold you are uncomfortable, but just enough to make you say "ahhh....now hand my my coffee!" Fall is coming. Like I said, I will mourn the summery goodness, but I love this time of year just as much as I do summer. At least this time of year I can get Bee to go outside with me. :)
We had the kid's meet the teacher/supply drop off at their school yesterday. What a cluster eff that was. I took little man first. I had a good report with his teacher last year. I especially wanted to meet his new one this year because he was put in the advanced class. We found his 3rd grade classroom and holy mother of God...there was about 76 people in there. It was a mob! His teacher smiled as us and said hello. Introduced herself and little man introduced himself, and that was the last I saw her. We had to disappear into the mob of humanity and find a seat for him that didn't have a name written on it, and then he could pick that seat and write his name down on the post it note. They didn't have "desks" like last year (except for whoever sits on the end), they had tables. There was a supply checklist, which did not match the one we got from online that Grandma bee bought stuff for. There was lots of noise, lots of kids pushing their way through the crowd. Lots of adults in the way (That many people in one small space, there should have only been one adult per child in there, and siblings should wait in the hall). Little Man kind of shut down and just stood there. I kept getting jostled about and my purse would then smack some little kid in the head. I was sweating like a hooker in church (I NEVER sweat...I'm never hot) I looked at little guy and said "Wanna go?" and he shook his head in an emphatic "YES!". We bolted. It wasn't a mandatory thing, he can sort his supplies on Wednesday.
Also, what ever happened to, "here's your list", and you buy what's on the list, and put it in YOUR desk for YOUR use? Now a days, the kids get their list, you buy it, and it all goes to the TEACHER and she keeps it put up for the one time you use it, then...what...she keeps it? I remember one of the best things about first day of summer was using your pretty-much-brand-new markers, glue, and sciccors....and if she keeps the supplies, why does my kid have to bring you in NEW?! Ugh...
Then we took C over to the Middle School. 6th grade! I remember 6th grade. It's where I went from honors student, to barely passing. It is also where I went from LOVING school, to coming home and crying, begging to never have to go back. It's when the kids turn from sometimes mean, to brutal, hormones REALLY start flowing. Girls and Boys start talking about who is dating who, and your best friend since kindergarten becomes your biggest enemy. I pray for C. She's a good kid, and I think she has the fortitude to make it through, unchanged. :) She has some really nice teachers, and one student teacher, who all seem promising. She has a locker that is located centrally, and she is an old pro and opening them up :) I think she will do great this year!
I promised all three kids if they made STRAIGHT A's on their report cards for the whole year, I'd give them each $50 and I told J I'd give her $100 because she is older and has harder classes. We shall see with whom my money is safe, and who I end up paying at the end of the year. Grandma Bee stopped over and brought them all kinds of snack food for their lunches and for after school. It REALLY helps a lot. I wish Bee and I were in a position to where we could have those cupboards fully stocked all year long, but it's expensive feeding five people! ha!
I HAVE to have a clean house before school starts. Like, not just straightened. CLEAN. I said one room a night. Last night I started with the mud room. I swept, I cleaned, I drug and dumped out, I refolded, I re-shifted and re-stacked and it looks amazing :) I even managed to clean out the closet that has been bothering me since....well...since we moved in, AND sweep the kitchen floor. I even manged to wash all of the big guy football equipment and when it finishes drying, it will go in the big bag and into the newly cleaned out closet in the space I cleared for them. Tonight, it's the kitchen and the dining room. Cupboards are going to get cleaned, old things tossed, new things rearranged, everything will get bleached that can get bleached, and nooks and crannies will be visited. Floors will be re-swepted, and mopped. Then, Little Man and I are going to tackle his dresser/closet situation. He just got two huge bags filled with new clothes from Miss. Nicole (my co-worker), and we need space to put them all :) Thursday will be the living room and living room closet, mine and Bee's room. Saturday I plan on cleaning the green room in our room since Bee will be out of town playing in a football game all day (I have to be home to take C to her first game.) Hopefully when he comes home, he will be surprised :)
I love new beginnings! :)
We had the kid's meet the teacher/supply drop off at their school yesterday. What a cluster eff that was. I took little man first. I had a good report with his teacher last year. I especially wanted to meet his new one this year because he was put in the advanced class. We found his 3rd grade classroom and holy mother of God...there was about 76 people in there. It was a mob! His teacher smiled as us and said hello. Introduced herself and little man introduced himself, and that was the last I saw her. We had to disappear into the mob of humanity and find a seat for him that didn't have a name written on it, and then he could pick that seat and write his name down on the post it note. They didn't have "desks" like last year (except for whoever sits on the end), they had tables. There was a supply checklist, which did not match the one we got from online that Grandma bee bought stuff for. There was lots of noise, lots of kids pushing their way through the crowd. Lots of adults in the way (That many people in one small space, there should have only been one adult per child in there, and siblings should wait in the hall). Little Man kind of shut down and just stood there. I kept getting jostled about and my purse would then smack some little kid in the head. I was sweating like a hooker in church (I NEVER sweat...I'm never hot) I looked at little guy and said "Wanna go?" and he shook his head in an emphatic "YES!". We bolted. It wasn't a mandatory thing, he can sort his supplies on Wednesday.
Also, what ever happened to, "here's your list", and you buy what's on the list, and put it in YOUR desk for YOUR use? Now a days, the kids get their list, you buy it, and it all goes to the TEACHER and she keeps it put up for the one time you use it, then...what...she keeps it? I remember one of the best things about first day of summer was using your pretty-much-brand-new markers, glue, and sciccors....and if she keeps the supplies, why does my kid have to bring you in NEW?! Ugh...
Then we took C over to the Middle School. 6th grade! I remember 6th grade. It's where I went from honors student, to barely passing. It is also where I went from LOVING school, to coming home and crying, begging to never have to go back. It's when the kids turn from sometimes mean, to brutal, hormones REALLY start flowing. Girls and Boys start talking about who is dating who, and your best friend since kindergarten becomes your biggest enemy. I pray for C. She's a good kid, and I think she has the fortitude to make it through, unchanged. :) She has some really nice teachers, and one student teacher, who all seem promising. She has a locker that is located centrally, and she is an old pro and opening them up :) I think she will do great this year!
I promised all three kids if they made STRAIGHT A's on their report cards for the whole year, I'd give them each $50 and I told J I'd give her $100 because she is older and has harder classes. We shall see with whom my money is safe, and who I end up paying at the end of the year. Grandma Bee stopped over and brought them all kinds of snack food for their lunches and for after school. It REALLY helps a lot. I wish Bee and I were in a position to where we could have those cupboards fully stocked all year long, but it's expensive feeding five people! ha!
I HAVE to have a clean house before school starts. Like, not just straightened. CLEAN. I said one room a night. Last night I started with the mud room. I swept, I cleaned, I drug and dumped out, I refolded, I re-shifted and re-stacked and it looks amazing :) I even managed to clean out the closet that has been bothering me since....well...since we moved in, AND sweep the kitchen floor. I even manged to wash all of the big guy football equipment and when it finishes drying, it will go in the big bag and into the newly cleaned out closet in the space I cleared for them. Tonight, it's the kitchen and the dining room. Cupboards are going to get cleaned, old things tossed, new things rearranged, everything will get bleached that can get bleached, and nooks and crannies will be visited. Floors will be re-swepted, and mopped. Then, Little Man and I are going to tackle his dresser/closet situation. He just got two huge bags filled with new clothes from Miss. Nicole (my co-worker), and we need space to put them all :) Thursday will be the living room and living room closet, mine and Bee's room. Saturday I plan on cleaning the green room in our room since Bee will be out of town playing in a football game all day (I have to be home to take C to her first game.) Hopefully when he comes home, he will be surprised :)
I love new beginnings! :)
Monday, August 22, 2011
Saying good bye
This weekend was kind of hard for me. I didn't really think it would be, because well...I don't really know why. I just kind of figured, it wasn't like anyone died. My parents have been talking about moving to Arizona since I started this here blog. Bee and I talked about it too, for a hot minute. However, I have known my mom and dad for now on 31 years and well...they have never gone anywhere, no matter HOW much they talked about it.
They did do more to the house that I have ever see them do, besides that one time when I was 13 and they redecorated. However, I honestly just thought that the house was going to end up with a new coat of paint, some new doors, new roof, and new carpet and that they would spend another 30+ (God Willing) in that house. And that is exactly how it was looking until about 3 weeks ago.
Poppy called and told me he had been laid off. Yeah. It totally sucked. He struggled to get this job 9 years ago after being laid off from his job of 32 years. My poppy is old (he was fat then too...no one wants to hire old + fat). He has since lost the weight, but in stead of getting younger...well...you know. Anyway, for giggles, he applied at a place out in Tucson, AZ and they called him back immediately. They interviewed him via skype and really liked him. However, it came down to this. Owner guy really liked my dad, but was concerned about his lack of experience doing his job with customers (my dad is an electrician and has worked in hospitals running their electricity/maintenance departments for 40 years) and the fact that he was in Ohio. What if he got out there with his family and hated it? He would feel bad that they picked up and moved cross country for nothing. Manager/VP lady LOVED my dad. Told owner guy he would be the smartest and most qualified guy they had AND he was moving out there regardless, so it's not like they would be upset.
Manager/VP lady told my dad if he could get out there and meet face to face and have an established place of residence, they would more than likely hire him. So, Poppy leaves this week. My mom and sister and working on a few extra things that need to be done, then they are taking their car and the moving truck with everything they own out to Tucson. I went over their house yesterday to say good-bye, and to be honest....I got emotional. Especially when they were giving me a lot of my childhood things. Dividing up their things and sending me home with dishes with sentimental value, and my dad's army stuff. Along with a journal my mom kept for me while she was pregnant with me. Needless to say, it's kinda hard to choke back those feelings.
I know that when they get out there and get settled, they will LOVE it...and we will love having a cool place to visit...but until then...I'mma cry :(
They did do more to the house that I have ever see them do, besides that one time when I was 13 and they redecorated. However, I honestly just thought that the house was going to end up with a new coat of paint, some new doors, new roof, and new carpet and that they would spend another 30+ (God Willing) in that house. And that is exactly how it was looking until about 3 weeks ago.
Poppy called and told me he had been laid off. Yeah. It totally sucked. He struggled to get this job 9 years ago after being laid off from his job of 32 years. My poppy is old (he was fat then too...no one wants to hire old + fat). He has since lost the weight, but in stead of getting younger...well...you know. Anyway, for giggles, he applied at a place out in Tucson, AZ and they called him back immediately. They interviewed him via skype and really liked him. However, it came down to this. Owner guy really liked my dad, but was concerned about his lack of experience doing his job with customers (my dad is an electrician and has worked in hospitals running their electricity/maintenance departments for 40 years) and the fact that he was in Ohio. What if he got out there with his family and hated it? He would feel bad that they picked up and moved cross country for nothing. Manager/VP lady LOVED my dad. Told owner guy he would be the smartest and most qualified guy they had AND he was moving out there regardless, so it's not like they would be upset.
Manager/VP lady told my dad if he could get out there and meet face to face and have an established place of residence, they would more than likely hire him. So, Poppy leaves this week. My mom and sister and working on a few extra things that need to be done, then they are taking their car and the moving truck with everything they own out to Tucson. I went over their house yesterday to say good-bye, and to be honest....I got emotional. Especially when they were giving me a lot of my childhood things. Dividing up their things and sending me home with dishes with sentimental value, and my dad's army stuff. Along with a journal my mom kept for me while she was pregnant with me. Needless to say, it's kinda hard to choke back those feelings.
I know that when they get out there and get settled, they will LOVE it...and we will love having a cool place to visit...but until then...I'mma cry :(
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Guilt is a Respected art form in THIS family..
I suppose every parent strives to treat all of their children equally. Sure you love them all the same, but it's how you treat them that lets them know that.
I love all three of Bee's kids the same, and I try my hardest (and worry that I don't) to treat them all the same. C will be 11 in less than a month. I started thinking about possible party ideas, the annual cup cake making, how THIS year, we need to make sure she has invitations as to control the number of people coming, what to get her for her birthday, etc. Then, I started forming a blog post about her in my head for when the day arrived. I know they don't read my blog. I know they probably don't even know I HAVE a blog, but *I* know, and it makes me feel good. Maybe one day I will even show them what I have written about them on their birthdays and maybe it will mean something to them. I don't know, time will tell. Then, I started thinking about Little Man, and how his birthday is not all that far away either, especially, once C's arrives. Then it dawned on me, J's 18th birthday passed. 18! A milestone birthday and I wrote not nary a word about it! I mentioned it in passing, sure. I even spoke of her party that fell short, WAAY short, of her expectations, but I did not write a post for her. JUST for her.
Sure, I was busy. Sure, I was in the middle of an impromptu bloggy vacation, but still not a word. Not a nice, meaningful thing was said. I feel guilty. Super guilty. The fact that the ex always treated J like a non-factor or a nuisance, makes me forgetting to blog about it that much worse. Especially since I did it for the other two. In fact, because of the craziness of what was going on, she didn't even get a special meal, or cupcakes or anything like I do for the other two. I just want to serve myself a heaping helping of guilt stew!
I will say this though. J knows we love her. She DID have a party. We DID celebrate with her. We DID wish her a happy birthday. She DID get a present (a cell phone!) She IS a Jehovah Witness, and they don't celebrate those types of things. Her mom didn't even wish her a happy birthday because unlike J, she is devout. So, It's not like we didn't do anything, but I still feel like *I* cheated her. Sure, it's on something she doesn't even know about, but still...
So, even though it's over a month late....
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY, J!!!!!
Happy 18th Birthday, J. You are officially a legal adult now. I know it feels great and offers new rewards and experiences! With that though, comes great responsibility. Even though you may feel no different, in the eyes of society, you are officially an adult! Capable of making adult decisions, and taking on adult responsibilities and living with adult consequences. I am not saying you can not handle the above facts, I am just asking that you slow down a little and make sure you think about everything before deciding on a course of action.
You, for the first time in your life, are now responsible for your life and it's future. Sure, dad, your mom, and I will always be there for you and we will always do our best to catch you if you fall, but you need to learn to stand on your own two feet. I just hope that the three of us can do our very best to make sure you are prepared to do that! So far, you are doing a great job. :) You are the typical teenager who would rather stay in your room all day on the phone or do things YOU want to do, rather than hang with your little brother and sister, do chores, or spend ANY time with the other 4 who share a house with you. Sometimes, you treat us like room mates, rather than your family, but you know what? I was once 18 too (more recently than mom, dad, or grandma ;) ) and I totally get it. It's not a lack of respect. It's not that you don't care. It's just YOU want to do, what YOU want to do. Be the master of your own destiny....even if it means you control the remote and who is in the surroundings of your 200 SQ FT of space :)
You are a great young woman, J. I love our talks. Yes, I know sometimes I am frustrated with you, but honestly, it's because I see a younger version of myself (and even my SISTER! :) ) in you! I know the mistakes we made and I just don't want you to have to go through them too, ya know? I love how passionate you are. I love how you adore your brother and sister. How connected to your feelings you are. How you express yourself both verbally and in your art, be it your stories or your drawings! I love your never ending thirst for a good book. I love how you are so loyal to your friends and family. Honestly? I have never met anyone so loyal. That is a very good trait to posses! I would just say be careful. Some will take advantage of you for that. You tell me that you are "weird". When I ask you why you say that, you tell me "Because I am. People have been telling me that since I was a little kid." The only thing I can say to that is, if that is the case, embrace it. It's who you are. Who you are, the very "Essence of J" is what makes you so special. In my opinion, "weird" is not the correct term. You are an individual who is not afraid of who she is, or to be herself. In the lemming world of High School, that might make you "weird", but in the REAL world or actual life? That makes you awesome. It also makes you the type of friend/sister/cousin/daughter/lover to hold on tight to, because we are ALL blessed by knowing you and having you in our lives.
Happy Birthday, my sweet girlie :)
I love all three of Bee's kids the same, and I try my hardest (and worry that I don't) to treat them all the same. C will be 11 in less than a month. I started thinking about possible party ideas, the annual cup cake making, how THIS year, we need to make sure she has invitations as to control the number of people coming, what to get her for her birthday, etc. Then, I started forming a blog post about her in my head for when the day arrived. I know they don't read my blog. I know they probably don't even know I HAVE a blog, but *I* know, and it makes me feel good. Maybe one day I will even show them what I have written about them on their birthdays and maybe it will mean something to them. I don't know, time will tell. Then, I started thinking about Little Man, and how his birthday is not all that far away either, especially, once C's arrives. Then it dawned on me, J's 18th birthday passed. 18! A milestone birthday and I wrote not nary a word about it! I mentioned it in passing, sure. I even spoke of her party that fell short, WAAY short, of her expectations, but I did not write a post for her. JUST for her.
Sure, I was busy. Sure, I was in the middle of an impromptu bloggy vacation, but still not a word. Not a nice, meaningful thing was said. I feel guilty. Super guilty. The fact that the ex always treated J like a non-factor or a nuisance, makes me forgetting to blog about it that much worse. Especially since I did it for the other two. In fact, because of the craziness of what was going on, she didn't even get a special meal, or cupcakes or anything like I do for the other two. I just want to serve myself a heaping helping of guilt stew!
I will say this though. J knows we love her. She DID have a party. We DID celebrate with her. We DID wish her a happy birthday. She DID get a present (a cell phone!) She IS a Jehovah Witness, and they don't celebrate those types of things. Her mom didn't even wish her a happy birthday because unlike J, she is devout. So, It's not like we didn't do anything, but I still feel like *I* cheated her. Sure, it's on something she doesn't even know about, but still...
So, even though it's over a month late....
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY, J!!!!!
Happy 18th Birthday, J. You are officially a legal adult now. I know it feels great and offers new rewards and experiences! With that though, comes great responsibility. Even though you may feel no different, in the eyes of society, you are officially an adult! Capable of making adult decisions, and taking on adult responsibilities and living with adult consequences. I am not saying you can not handle the above facts, I am just asking that you slow down a little and make sure you think about everything before deciding on a course of action.
You, for the first time in your life, are now responsible for your life and it's future. Sure, dad, your mom, and I will always be there for you and we will always do our best to catch you if you fall, but you need to learn to stand on your own two feet. I just hope that the three of us can do our very best to make sure you are prepared to do that! So far, you are doing a great job. :) You are the typical teenager who would rather stay in your room all day on the phone or do things YOU want to do, rather than hang with your little brother and sister, do chores, or spend ANY time with the other 4 who share a house with you. Sometimes, you treat us like room mates, rather than your family, but you know what? I was once 18 too (more recently than mom, dad, or grandma ;) ) and I totally get it. It's not a lack of respect. It's not that you don't care. It's just YOU want to do, what YOU want to do. Be the master of your own destiny....even if it means you control the remote and who is in the surroundings of your 200 SQ FT of space :)
You are a great young woman, J. I love our talks. Yes, I know sometimes I am frustrated with you, but honestly, it's because I see a younger version of myself (and even my SISTER! :) ) in you! I know the mistakes we made and I just don't want you to have to go through them too, ya know? I love how passionate you are. I love how you adore your brother and sister. How connected to your feelings you are. How you express yourself both verbally and in your art, be it your stories or your drawings! I love your never ending thirst for a good book. I love how you are so loyal to your friends and family. Honestly? I have never met anyone so loyal. That is a very good trait to posses! I would just say be careful. Some will take advantage of you for that. You tell me that you are "weird". When I ask you why you say that, you tell me "Because I am. People have been telling me that since I was a little kid." The only thing I can say to that is, if that is the case, embrace it. It's who you are. Who you are, the very "Essence of J" is what makes you so special. In my opinion, "weird" is not the correct term. You are an individual who is not afraid of who she is, or to be herself. In the lemming world of High School, that might make you "weird", but in the REAL world or actual life? That makes you awesome. It also makes you the type of friend/sister/cousin/daughter/lover to hold on tight to, because we are ALL blessed by knowing you and having you in our lives.
Happy Birthday, my sweet girlie :)
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Everything I needed to know about life, I learned from Football.
Football is life.....
......and Life, is Football.
Always Stay focused, with your eye on the ball.
Take time to listen to others, and let them lead you
And always remember, that no matter what, you always have people supporting you!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Summer Vs. Fall
My all time favorite season, hands down, is Summer. I love summer. I love summer so much, I want to marry it! I am not sure if it's the carefreeness of it, the memories of being up late and hanging out outside swimming until dawn and then napping in the sun, or what, but it gets me giddy and impatient starting around, ooohhh..January. It always seems to come late, and leave earlier and earlier every year.
Even though I mourn Summer and my flip flops every year, I still love fall too! Being lucky enough to live in the Midwest, we get the changing leaves around here. If you remember from last year, my little town gets soo pretty during fall :) You can understand why I am conflicted this time of year :)
Summer is: Care free, warm weather, swimming, staying up late, fun in the sun, OUTSIDE, bar-b-ques, picnics, Semi-Pro football, relaxed schedule, kids get to do fun things and spend time with friends and family, drive in's, Summer nights, walks during summer nights, driving with the windows down, SUNSHINE, no school, only 2 lunches to make every night, fresh fruits and veggies from local stands, flip flops, dresses, capri's. S'mores, Bon fires
Fall is: Bon Fires, Hoodies and jeans, crisp cool air, FOOTBALL, sound of walking through leaves, leaves changing color, SCHOOL STARTS, schedules, order, hay rides, pumpkins, Halloween, Thanksgiving, time on the weekends to spend quality family time together and with friends, cooler days and nights, perfect for turning on the wood burning stove and snuggling up with a blanket and a bee and watching movies, apple picking, cider, Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING, knowing the Holidays are right around the corner...
I am going to miss my flip flops and short sleeves, but I have to admit, I can't wait for my hoodies and jackets either!!!
Snow and winter on the other hand can buzz off ;)
Monday, August 15, 2011
Thank God for the weekend
This weekend was a long one. I was so exhausted when I got home Friday night. Bee was too. We ended up just staying home and watching Sons of Anarchy on my laptop while he played his football game. I made some dinner and we both, while being cordial and polite with one another and having small talk, we didn't really "talk". Finally, at bed time, we turned the music on (instead of the TV), got in bed and cuddled. THEN we finally talked. And Talked. And talked some more, and we got it pretty well hashed out. We went to bed, finally, and all was well. :)
Saturday, we got up, got things ready for the football game, and eventually headed out. Things still seemed a *little* tense, but honestly, I think it was just me being hyper sensitive. After the game, we went to dinner with BFF Rose and her boyfriend, and then out for some drinks. We had a really good time and didn't end up getting home until 3am!
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| Bee and the Most Interesting man in the world! |
Sunday we slept in, or at least I did, and then spent the day relaxing. We eventually ended up at Miss A's boyfriend's football game. We made it in time for the second half and afterwards went and had wings with the referees from the game (friends of ours). By the time we got home, all was pretty well back to normal, as I knew it would be :) I just hate feeling the way I do through the moment. :/
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| Scary Sky at the game |
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| Me and Bee. He looks mad, but he is not. |
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| RAINBOW! |
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| Ms. A's boys :) I could squish their cheeks! |
As for other things going on, C had her first scrimmage on Thursday! She did so well! She is playing 1st string QB! I realize it's a scrimmage, and they don't score them, and coaches move around their players to get a feel for what's best, BUT *I* kept track...they scored 3 times while the other team scored 2 times. That's my girl :) Her grandparents were there because her and little man were going to spend the weekend with them, and then tonight, they will take her to practice, and pick her up because tomorrow morning, they are going to see their mom. I was NOT looking forward to spending the evening hanging out with them because well...they make me think of THIS
But, Luckily, Mrs. J, my friend, was there to keep me company and distract me with this...
Ahhh...I love babies :)
Friday, August 12, 2011
Big bowl of suck
Everyone handles things differently and how you process things says a lot about your personality. Me? I am a people pleaser, a worrier, a stew-er, and slow to anger...most of the time anyway ;) When Bee and I fight, or even if it's just a disagreement or a case of hurt feelings, I am DESTROYED the next day. I can not let it go. No matter who's "fault", or who apologized, I am an emotional wreck the whole next day. Wallowing and dripping with guilt and remorse.
I really kind of hate that about myself. Sure, it shows that I don't take our arguments lightly, and ergo will work hard to not hurt him or fight with him, but it also means I am beating a dead horse, and can't let things go. Meanwhile, Bee is fine. F-I-N-E, fine. He has said his heartfelt apology, meant it, accepted mine, meant it, and to him? It's water under the bridge. Me? I worry. Does he know I'm sorry? Like REALLY sorry? Why did I have to say/do that? Is he really ok? Or, did he just tell me that to pacify me? I am so insecure sometimes. I'm not sure why. I know he loves me, I know HE knows that arguments, fights, unpleasantness are all part of a grown adult relationship and we all say and do things in the moment, or from just shoot-from-the-hip reaction, that we regret and don't mean....yet somehow, I think I am not good enough to forgive sometimes. Oh Bother...
Last night, as we were going to bed he asked me a personal question about a personal matter (I'm not going into it over the interwebs. I will spare the two readers I have ;) ) It wasn't the first time he has asked me this question. I know he is asking because he cares about *us* and about our relationship, and because perhaps some insecurity HE is feeling due to said personal issue. Now, if the shoe was on the other foot and I was in HIS position, I would probably feel the same way he is feeling and ask or at least WANT to ask the same question he did. However, I was embarrassed/on the defensive/frustrated because I keep telling him it's a personal thing and has NOTHING to do with him. I am also sad and upset that I don't know WHY this personal issue is all of a a sudden happening (it never used to..it's only a recent thing) and I can't "fix" it or give him an explanation. It hurts me so bad to know that I, in any shape or form, have hurt him or his feelings. Consciously or not. It all came out in a clusterfuck of upset body language, crying, and "just never mind!"'s as well as some elevated volumes of speaking (I was not yelling). I apologized, in tears. He apologized too. He fell asleep. I was up till 3am. Crying. Thinking. Googling.
Today, I woke up when he left and kissed me good bye. I showered, got ready for work, still had the pit in my stomach, but figured it was me. I called him on my way to work, actually starting to feel better, and he answered and after a few moments said "even though you were really mean to me last night", and I lost it and cried some more. Apologized some more, tried to defend...well, not really defend, more like explain why I reacted the way I did, which caused him to defend his feelings. It was like last night all over again. Not a fight. Not a disagreement, just a really raw conversation that touched on things most people don't like to talk about because they are uncomfortable. I asked if we were "ok". He said yes, but it was more like an annoyed "yes". He said something about being busy, and I said through tears I'd let him get back to it. He told me he loved me and we hung up.
All day, on top of being E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D, I am stewing. Worrying. Going over everything in my head detail by detail, making that pit I woke up with big enough to drive a mack truck through. I text him a little later, formally apologizing and asked if he forgave me. He said "of course...I love you too", and that has been it really for conversation today (we usually have at least several text back and forth during the day) I asked him a question a little bit ago and he took forever to respond and then I got one word answers. Not typical of him. So, I asked again. He told me we are ok, he has been busy, but he isn't going to lie,. It's been on his mind all day too. At which point, I cried some more, because I am the type of person who has to solve any issue the VERY SECOND I FIND OUT ABOUT IT, because I NEED to know we are OK. Yeah, I am SUPER annoying to anyone who is the type of person who needs "space" and "time" to calm down and get over a fight. Why? Because If I could physically occupy the very space YOU are until we have mended whatever needs mended and we are back to being "cool" (only after I double check with you about 27.9 times....), I would. I am at work. He is at work. We can not just sit down and have a chat about it. I have to wait.
Waiting has never been my thing. I may have mentioned that.
I have several hours before I can sit down in front of him and we can have a conversation. It just may kill me. On the flip side, it may be the best thing for the situation though. While Bee is not an in-your-face-till-we're-cool type, he isn't a give-me-a-week-alone, type either. He tends to be a fan of the forgive-and-get-back-to-happy-go-lucky-as-soon-as-possible type. Which is good, because I am too, but sometimes he needs time to process stuff without me dancing around in his field of vision.
Until then, I just continue to have the worstest baddest day ever...
(Authors note: no, we're not going to break up or anything......:) )
I really kind of hate that about myself. Sure, it shows that I don't take our arguments lightly, and ergo will work hard to not hurt him or fight with him, but it also means I am beating a dead horse, and can't let things go. Meanwhile, Bee is fine. F-I-N-E, fine. He has said his heartfelt apology, meant it, accepted mine, meant it, and to him? It's water under the bridge. Me? I worry. Does he know I'm sorry? Like REALLY sorry? Why did I have to say/do that? Is he really ok? Or, did he just tell me that to pacify me? I am so insecure sometimes. I'm not sure why. I know he loves me, I know HE knows that arguments, fights, unpleasantness are all part of a grown adult relationship and we all say and do things in the moment, or from just shoot-from-the-hip reaction, that we regret and don't mean....yet somehow, I think I am not good enough to forgive sometimes. Oh Bother...
Last night, as we were going to bed he asked me a personal question about a personal matter (I'm not going into it over the interwebs. I will spare the two readers I have ;) ) It wasn't the first time he has asked me this question. I know he is asking because he cares about *us* and about our relationship, and because perhaps some insecurity HE is feeling due to said personal issue. Now, if the shoe was on the other foot and I was in HIS position, I would probably feel the same way he is feeling and ask or at least WANT to ask the same question he did. However, I was embarrassed/on the defensive/frustrated because I keep telling him it's a personal thing and has NOTHING to do with him. I am also sad and upset that I don't know WHY this personal issue is all of a a sudden happening (it never used to..it's only a recent thing) and I can't "fix" it or give him an explanation. It hurts me so bad to know that I, in any shape or form, have hurt him or his feelings. Consciously or not. It all came out in a clusterfuck of upset body language, crying, and "just never mind!"'s as well as some elevated volumes of speaking (I was not yelling). I apologized, in tears. He apologized too. He fell asleep. I was up till 3am. Crying. Thinking. Googling.
Today, I woke up when he left and kissed me good bye. I showered, got ready for work, still had the pit in my stomach, but figured it was me. I called him on my way to work, actually starting to feel better, and he answered and after a few moments said "even though you were really mean to me last night", and I lost it and cried some more. Apologized some more, tried to defend...well, not really defend, more like explain why I reacted the way I did, which caused him to defend his feelings. It was like last night all over again. Not a fight. Not a disagreement, just a really raw conversation that touched on things most people don't like to talk about because they are uncomfortable. I asked if we were "ok". He said yes, but it was more like an annoyed "yes". He said something about being busy, and I said through tears I'd let him get back to it. He told me he loved me and we hung up.
All day, on top of being E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D, I am stewing. Worrying. Going over everything in my head detail by detail, making that pit I woke up with big enough to drive a mack truck through. I text him a little later, formally apologizing and asked if he forgave me. He said "of course...I love you too", and that has been it really for conversation today (we usually have at least several text back and forth during the day) I asked him a question a little bit ago and he took forever to respond and then I got one word answers. Not typical of him. So, I asked again. He told me we are ok, he has been busy, but he isn't going to lie,. It's been on his mind all day too. At which point, I cried some more, because I am the type of person who has to solve any issue the VERY SECOND I FIND OUT ABOUT IT, because I NEED to know we are OK. Yeah, I am SUPER annoying to anyone who is the type of person who needs "space" and "time" to calm down and get over a fight. Why? Because If I could physically occupy the very space YOU are until we have mended whatever needs mended and we are back to being "cool" (only after I double check with you about 27.9 times....), I would. I am at work. He is at work. We can not just sit down and have a chat about it. I have to wait.
Waiting has never been my thing. I may have mentioned that.
I have several hours before I can sit down in front of him and we can have a conversation. It just may kill me. On the flip side, it may be the best thing for the situation though. While Bee is not an in-your-face-till-we're-cool type, he isn't a give-me-a-week-alone, type either. He tends to be a fan of the forgive-and-get-back-to-happy-go-lucky-as-soon-as-possible type. Which is good, because I am too, but sometimes he needs time to process stuff without me dancing around in his field of vision.
Until then, I just continue to have the worstest baddest day ever...
(Authors note: no, we're not going to break up or anything......:) )
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I have just come to realize...
- I am the mother of a THIRD grader, a SIXTH grader, and wait for it....SENIOR in high school. Whoa.
- Saturday will be exactly one year since we have moved into our house.
- Fall is rapidly approaching and while I fight it every year, I also get excited too.
- Bee and I always discuss vacations and trips we are going to take, however I think our trip to Vegas might actually happen this time. It will be in November! (my Birthday weekend, actually!)
- The weekend after Vegas, we are having our All Black Party for the team!
- Christmas is less than 4 months away!
- Saturday will be exactly one year since we have moved into our house.
- Fall is rapidly approaching and while I fight it every year, I also get excited too.
- Bee and I always discuss vacations and trips we are going to take, however I think our trip to Vegas might actually happen this time. It will be in November! (my Birthday weekend, actually!)
- The weekend after Vegas, we are having our All Black Party for the team!
- Christmas is less than 4 months away!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Friends...
When I was a wee one, EVERYONE was friends. If you were the same age, you played together. Sometimes you liked the other kids, sometimes you didn't. And sometimes it just depended on the day. If your mom's liked each other, if you lived in the same neighborhood, or if you were in the same class at school, it didn't matter. Just like writing Valentines for each person in the class, you handed out invitations to your birthday party to everyone as well.
When you get a little older, say, junior high, you start being a little more selective with the company you keep. You start to develop real friendships. Sure, they may be based on things like "We have the same backpack" or "We both really like the same band", but you start to lose that "everyone is included" mentality.
By the time you reach high school, you have a core group of friends. It could be one. It could be 10. either way, MOST people can say that just because they went to school with someone, or someone lived on their street, or their moms were friends that THEY were friends too. Jr. High and high school is about the time when your current friends might start to decide that if YOU want to be friends with THEM, then WE aren't friends anymore.
This was very hard for me growing up. When I was in Elementary school, my best friend was a girl named Dana. She was a year younger than me and lived across the street. I was also friends with another girl, Melissa, who lived 6 houses up the block. Melissa was....different. Odd really (and still is :) ) Melissa was in the same grade as me, but also a year younger. Sometimes we fought, but mostly, we got along well. When Dana first moved in, I guess her and Melissa tried playing together, but there was some sort of altercation and Dana now HATED Melissa. At the age of 9, I was torn between my two best friends. I was told by Dana if I wanted to be HER friend and play with HER toys, I was not allowed to play with Melissa...ever! Melissa never gave me that ultimatum, but she did not like when I would suggest we all play together, or when she had to see Dana at my birthday parties. In the end, I would not give up Melissa as my friend and Dana stopped talking to me.
When I was in Jr. High School and High School, My best friend besides Melissa was a a girl named Lauren. Lauren was an only child (hmm..now that I think about it, so was Dana) and while she liked Melissa enough, because she could be bossed around too, she didn't like sharing me. She was always trying to convince me to bail on plans with Melissa or try and make plans with me without her. In the end, Melissa ended up dating one of my boyfriends, and we stopped talking all together. (We are friends again now, as adults...)
Throughout my life I have always had at least ONE close friend. However, as soon as another friend comes into my life, they try and push them out. (BFF Rose has never done this. However, others have tried to do it to BFF Rose...ie: My cousin Terri) For a long time, I let it happen, but recently, and I don't know if it's because I am sick of it, or I am just getting older and therefore less tolerant of the bull shit drama, but I have put my foot down and stopped letting it happen. Why can't I have several friends? Why does it only have to be one? Two? All the people in my life are very special to me, in all different ways.
After reaching out to Gina and "repairing" that bridge, my cousin Terri found out about it. I mean, it wasn't hard. It was on my facebook, and even though Terri hasn't seen me or spoken to me in person or on the phone in almost 8 months (for no reason...other than she is busy/I am busy) she is mad. Mad that I "friended" Gina on facebook, and not that it matters, but Gina and I have sent 3 short private messages back and forth catching up A LITTLE BIT in 2 months, and one wall comment between the two of us. My cousin was so mad, she passive aggressively put her Facebook status as something about blood not being thicker than water, and family stabbing you in the back, and then de-friended me on Facebook. It's not like SHE was rushing to come hang out with me...
Then, I had another friend of mine from high school get back in touch with me. This person and I were good friends, but I eventually stepped away because she was trouble and I would have gotten in trouble hanging out with her too. We eventually had a confrontation and it wasn't a good ending. She has reached out a couple of times over the years, apologized, and tried to be in my life again, but I kind of held her at an arm's length. True, I DON'T want the drama in my life, but this last time we talked a little more, and she was going through some stuff, and I just listened and I realized she is not "that" person anymore. She just has a bad judge of character and maybe is a little naive.
I don't know where I am really going with this all other than the fact that I am almost 31 years old, and I have finally come to the conclusion that having people in your life is never a bad thing. You can have more than one friend, and they don't all have to be your very bestest and closest friend, and they don't all have to be just "acquaintances" either, and if your other friends don't like it, THEY can grow up :)
When you get a little older, say, junior high, you start being a little more selective with the company you keep. You start to develop real friendships. Sure, they may be based on things like "We have the same backpack" or "We both really like the same band", but you start to lose that "everyone is included" mentality.
By the time you reach high school, you have a core group of friends. It could be one. It could be 10. either way, MOST people can say that just because they went to school with someone, or someone lived on their street, or their moms were friends that THEY were friends too. Jr. High and high school is about the time when your current friends might start to decide that if YOU want to be friends with THEM, then WE aren't friends anymore.
This was very hard for me growing up. When I was in Elementary school, my best friend was a girl named Dana. She was a year younger than me and lived across the street. I was also friends with another girl, Melissa, who lived 6 houses up the block. Melissa was....different. Odd really (and still is :) ) Melissa was in the same grade as me, but also a year younger. Sometimes we fought, but mostly, we got along well. When Dana first moved in, I guess her and Melissa tried playing together, but there was some sort of altercation and Dana now HATED Melissa. At the age of 9, I was torn between my two best friends. I was told by Dana if I wanted to be HER friend and play with HER toys, I was not allowed to play with Melissa...ever! Melissa never gave me that ultimatum, but she did not like when I would suggest we all play together, or when she had to see Dana at my birthday parties. In the end, I would not give up Melissa as my friend and Dana stopped talking to me.
When I was in Jr. High School and High School, My best friend besides Melissa was a a girl named Lauren. Lauren was an only child (hmm..now that I think about it, so was Dana) and while she liked Melissa enough, because she could be bossed around too, she didn't like sharing me. She was always trying to convince me to bail on plans with Melissa or try and make plans with me without her. In the end, Melissa ended up dating one of my boyfriends, and we stopped talking all together. (We are friends again now, as adults...)
Throughout my life I have always had at least ONE close friend. However, as soon as another friend comes into my life, they try and push them out. (BFF Rose has never done this. However, others have tried to do it to BFF Rose...ie: My cousin Terri) For a long time, I let it happen, but recently, and I don't know if it's because I am sick of it, or I am just getting older and therefore less tolerant of the bull shit drama, but I have put my foot down and stopped letting it happen. Why can't I have several friends? Why does it only have to be one? Two? All the people in my life are very special to me, in all different ways.
After reaching out to Gina and "repairing" that bridge, my cousin Terri found out about it. I mean, it wasn't hard. It was on my facebook, and even though Terri hasn't seen me or spoken to me in person or on the phone in almost 8 months (for no reason...other than she is busy/I am busy) she is mad. Mad that I "friended" Gina on facebook, and not that it matters, but Gina and I have sent 3 short private messages back and forth catching up A LITTLE BIT in 2 months, and one wall comment between the two of us. My cousin was so mad, she passive aggressively put her Facebook status as something about blood not being thicker than water, and family stabbing you in the back, and then de-friended me on Facebook. It's not like SHE was rushing to come hang out with me...
Then, I had another friend of mine from high school get back in touch with me. This person and I were good friends, but I eventually stepped away because she was trouble and I would have gotten in trouble hanging out with her too. We eventually had a confrontation and it wasn't a good ending. She has reached out a couple of times over the years, apologized, and tried to be in my life again, but I kind of held her at an arm's length. True, I DON'T want the drama in my life, but this last time we talked a little more, and she was going through some stuff, and I just listened and I realized she is not "that" person anymore. She just has a bad judge of character and maybe is a little naive.
I don't know where I am really going with this all other than the fact that I am almost 31 years old, and I have finally come to the conclusion that having people in your life is never a bad thing. You can have more than one friend, and they don't all have to be your very bestest and closest friend, and they don't all have to be just "acquaintances" either, and if your other friends don't like it, THEY can grow up :)
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
More Tappin that app!
Played around with some more pictures, we well as took a few new ones :)
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| My Little Man is getting so big! |
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| BFF!!! |
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| I'm a cowgirl! |
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| This is my SOA look ;) |
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| Bee and Butts. |
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| Breaking the Huddle |
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| Toledo Bridge |
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| My Friend, the Lovely Ms. A and her Boyfriend |
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Same picture, but with a different filter :)
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Monday, August 8, 2011
All up in the D...again!
We headed back up to Detroit this weekend. This time, for a game in the city of Detroit. We played our friends the Detroit Diesels! I absolutely love this team. Nothing but class, and after the games? We party :) Last time, one of the coaches promised me a Detroit hat. I figured, since it was June and we didn't see them until August, he would forget, alas, he did not! I got my "D" hat, and I am a happy girl. Add to that Lemon Pepper wings from Hooters and I am a happy girl :)
It was a good weekend, but after last weekend being an 11 on the scale of good weekends, this past one seemed to fall a little flat. They all can't be 11's I suppose ;) The Diesels beat us 52-20, but we put a hurtin on them, too. Four of their players went to the hospital. Two need surgery. :( I feel bad about that, but it is football, and these guys know what they are signing up for.
I thought I would be done with "big guy" football for awhile after this upcoming home game, but Bee has decided to sign on to another team for 4 games. At least for this team, he is only a player. C has her scrimmage on Thursday, so it will be another busy week!
It was a good weekend, but after last weekend being an 11 on the scale of good weekends, this past one seemed to fall a little flat. They all can't be 11's I suppose ;) The Diesels beat us 52-20, but we put a hurtin on them, too. Four of their players went to the hospital. Two need surgery. :( I feel bad about that, but it is football, and these guys know what they are signing up for.
I thought I would be done with "big guy" football for awhile after this upcoming home game, but Bee has decided to sign on to another team for 4 games. At least for this team, he is only a player. C has her scrimmage on Thursday, so it will be another busy week!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Tap that app!
I found a photo app I LOVE! It's called "Snapbucket" and it is the mobile app from photobucket. Anyway, I downloaded it last night and was playing with some of my pictures...what do you think? (there are also non-edited ones that are from C's football practice the other day...her "grandmother" who can't be bothered to spend quality time with the kids took the photos when they went up to C's practice for a few minutes the other day)
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| I took this football picture...with my cell phone... |
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| This one too...She was in trouble and had to run a "mega lap" |
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