Friday, August 12, 2011

Big bowl of suck

Everyone handles things differently and how you process things says a lot about your personality. Me? I am a people pleaser, a worrier, a stew-er, and slow to anger...most of the time anyway ;) When Bee and I fight, or even if it's just a disagreement or a case of hurt feelings, I am DESTROYED the next day. I can not let it go. No matter who's "fault", or who apologized, I am an emotional wreck the whole next day. Wallowing and dripping with guilt and remorse.

I really kind of hate that about myself. Sure, it shows that I don't take our arguments lightly, and ergo will work hard to not hurt him or fight with him, but it also means I am beating a dead horse, and can't let things go. Meanwhile, Bee is fine. F-I-N-E, fine. He has said his heartfelt apology, meant it, accepted mine, meant it, and to him? It's water under the bridge. Me? I worry. Does he know I'm sorry? Like REALLY sorry? Why did I have to say/do that? Is he really ok? Or, did he just tell me that to pacify me? I am so insecure sometimes. I'm not sure why. I know he loves me, I know HE knows that arguments, fights, unpleasantness are all part of a grown adult relationship and we all say and do things in the moment, or from just shoot-from-the-hip reaction, that we regret and don't mean....yet somehow, I think I am not good enough to forgive sometimes. Oh Bother...

Last night, as we were going to bed he asked me a personal question about a personal matter (I'm not going into it over the interwebs. I will spare the two readers I have ;)  )  It wasn't the first time he has asked me this question. I know he is asking because he cares about *us* and about our relationship, and because perhaps some insecurity HE is feeling due to said personal issue. Now, if the shoe was on the other foot and I was in HIS position, I would probably feel the same way he is feeling and ask or at least WANT to ask the same question he did. However, I was embarrassed/on the defensive/frustrated because I keep telling him it's a personal thing and has NOTHING to do with him. I am also sad and upset that I don't know WHY this personal issue is all of a a sudden happening (it never used's only a recent thing) and I can't "fix" it or give him an explanation. It hurts me so bad to know that I, in any shape or form, have hurt him or his feelings. Consciously or not. It all came out in a clusterfuck of upset body language, crying, and "just never mind!"'s as well as some elevated volumes of speaking (I was not yelling). I apologized, in tears. He apologized too. He fell asleep. I was up till 3am. Crying. Thinking. Googling.

Today, I woke up when he left and kissed me good bye. I showered, got ready for work, still had the pit in my stomach, but figured it was me. I called him on my way to work, actually starting to feel better, and he answered and after a few moments said "even though you were really mean to me last night", and I lost it and cried some more. Apologized some more, tried to defend...well, not really defend, more like explain why I reacted the way I did, which caused him to defend his feelings. It was like last night all over again. Not a fight. Not a disagreement, just a really raw conversation that touched on things most people don't like to talk about because they are uncomfortable. I asked if we were "ok". He said yes, but it was more like an annoyed "yes". He said something about being busy, and I said through tears I'd let him get back to it. He told me he loved me and we hung up.

All day, on top of being E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D, I am stewing. Worrying. Going over everything in my head detail by detail, making that pit I woke up with big enough to drive a mack truck through. I text him a little later, formally apologizing and asked if he forgave me. He said "of course...I love you too", and that has been it really for conversation today (we usually have at least several text back and forth during the day) I asked him a question a little bit ago and he took forever to respond and then I got one word answers. Not typical of him. So, I asked again. He told me we are ok, he has been busy, but he isn't going to lie,. It's been on his mind all day too. At which point, I cried some more, because I am the type of person who has to solve any issue the VERY SECOND I FIND OUT ABOUT IT, because I NEED to know we are OK. Yeah, I am SUPER annoying to anyone who is the type of person who needs "space" and "time" to calm down and get over a fight. Why? Because If I could physically occupy the very space YOU are until we have mended whatever needs mended and we are back to being "cool" (only after I double check with you about 27.9 times....), I would. I am at work. He is at work. We can not just sit down and have a chat about it. I have to wait.

Waiting has never been my thing. I may have mentioned that.

I have several hours before I can sit down in front of him and we can have a conversation. It just may kill  me. On the flip side, it may be the best thing for the situation though. While Bee is not an in-your-face-till-we're-cool type, he isn't a give-me-a-week-alone, type either. He tends to be a fan of the forgive-and-get-back-to-happy-go-lucky-as-soon-as-possible type. Which is good, because I am too, but sometimes he needs time to process stuff without me dancing around in his field of vision.

Until then, I just continue to have the worstest baddest day ever...

(Authors note: no, we're not going to break up or anything......:)  )


Karen said...

Joy, I'm so sorry you're having such a bad day. Maybe it would help to keep telling yourself that you and Bee WILL get past this (and keep repeating this positive idea to yourself over and over). You will feel so much better if you take control and think good thoughts. Also, remember that you and Bee have overcome a lot of challenges, and probably have even had a few disagreements before, and came through them just fine. HTH!

Sarah said...

Oh, Joy, I'll second everything that Karen said, and just tell you that I so can empathize with you. What you have described is a lot like what happens with Dave and me. It is miserable! Just reassure yourself with all of the positive thoughts you had said and what you know to be true about how much he loves you.