Hello? Is anybody in there??

I'm not even a Pink Floyd Fan. In fact, I kind of despise them. However, that lyric kinda fit my post today. I am feeling really bad.

I am feeling bad because I got mad yesterday and pulled a very adult move, and didn't speak to the children unless I had to. I also, may or may not have slammed some cupboards and plates around as I was getting them dinner. Then, even though I was happy and go lucky last night from around 7:30pm on, they were in their rooms by then doing their own thing. I also tried to not be upset this morning and let it go, but then "J" lied to me over something so completely stupid and un-lie-worthy, that it set me off and I went into a tirade for about 13 minutes. Then breakfast was silent. I did manage a half believable I'm-sorry-I-yelled-and-ruined-breakfast-but-sometimes-you-drive-me-batty type apology, and was speaking in normal "happy" tones by the time they left for school, but I still feel bad.

Here's the thing. I don't want to be a narc. I don't want to be a nag. I don't want to be Billy Buzz kill, but things need to get done, and apparently I am the only one that cares if they do. These kids, even the oldest one, have never had chores before. They have never been trusted with responsibility. That is their mother (both of them) and Bee's fault. Now, "C" and Little man are relatively young, so I knida understand with them, but still. I have a chore chart hanging on the fridge. It's been there since we moved in. I have gone over it with them over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. I have even walked them each through all of their chores, and I still have to remind them to do it about 4 times before it gets done. I get it. They're kids. Kids forget. Fine. However, they each have 6 things they need to do. 5 of those 6 things are chores that need to be done on the weekends only, and 4 of those 5 are group chores. Why, oh great Lord in Heaven can we not remember these things?! I don't even ask much. Just a little help.

Anyway, "J" was supposed to go to her mom's on Saturday and I knew the wee ones were going to to see their mom, which is an all day affair, and I knew Bee and I would be gone all day, and I also knew that between "C"'s game on Sunday and the party, there would be no time. So, Friday Morning at breakfast I nicely reminded the kids that this was going to be a busy weekend so that tonight, when they get home, all chores need to be done before we play. They agreed and off to school they went.

To their benefit, they did about half of their chores before going to play. However, I resisted the urge to remind them and figured I would give them the rest of the weekend to figure it out and get it done. Sunday night, when they were in bed the rest of the chores still weren't done. So, I calmly told Bee that I wasn't nagging anymore. I will remind them Friday mornings, and that's it. If it's not done by bedtime on Sunday, they will just get grounded. He agreed and I told him that the children were grounded Monday and that while staying inside, they were to each do their laundry from start to finish, and the two oldest ones were to clean their rooms because obviously they and I have a different idea of "clean". Bee said ok, and that was that.

Monday morning I broke the news to the kids that they were grounded. We had a lengthy discussion on our chores, and why we should do them. Then off to school and work we went! When I got home last night, it was very quiet, but the the washer and dryer were going so I figured the kids were just up in their rooms. Then "C" comes in from outside. I ask Bee where they are and he says "Oh, they asked to go to the library and I told them they could". I said, "But they're grounded..." and he said "Oh, Reee-ally. Hmm. They didn't tell me this.." Um. Number one, Duh, What kid is going to say "Dad, I really want to go outside and play. but I'm grounded. Is that ok?" and Two, I told him last night. He claimed he didn't remember. And really, that's the problem.

Sure, I'm upset the kids didn't do their chores, but the real issue here is no one listens to me. I talk, and talk, and talk, and tell them all things and it goes in one ear and out the other. 95% of the time, I don't care. It's just me talking about normal every day stuff. I don't care if they don't listen to my story about the one time when I was 12 at Farmer's drug store (that's not a real place, I threw it in there for effect. However, I do love to shop at CVS) but when I tell them to do something, or when I tell Bee something important like "The kids are grounded" or "Dinner is at 7pm On Saturday at my parents house" or "We need to be at the school Wednesday evening at 6:30pm" those things are important. It just hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like I'm not significant to them, all 4 of them, except to be their maid.

Kids knew dad was upset. He grounded them all again tonight, and even Wednesday night too. Tuesday is to make up for Monday, and Wednesday is for lying about not knowing they were grounded. That's another thing that grates my last nerve. The "I didn't know" or "haha! I forgot" card. Not gonna fly. They knew I was upset, so they sent themselves to their room. I vented to Bee, he tried to "explain" why they are that way to me. I didn't buy it. Told him he was making excuses and whatnot. Then we decided to let it go since it had been handled and we both agreed to communicate better. Then I was fine. Until this morning. I was trying to be pleasant, but then "J" lied to me, and it sent me over the edge.

I gave her money 2 weeks ago to buy a homecoming ticket. They are $10 and all I had on me was a $20.00 so I told her to bring me my change. She came home that night and handed the envelope back to me and said that the tickets didn't go on sale until the week of homecoming and could I please hold on to it so she didn't lose it. I put it on the fridge and yesterday she took it to school. I asked this morning if she had bought her ticket yet. I was trying to make conversation and "remind" her if she hadn't yet because "J" is flaky. Also, I wanted my $10.00 if she had because we are on our last roll of toilet paper and we're out of milk and flat broke until Thursday (I could make it work without milk until then, but I don't know if we can handle a roll in each bathroom until then....) and I could use that money to purchase those items. Of course, I just asked if she had bought her ticket. Her response was "Oh yeah! I went to the office and bought it. It's in my backpack." So, then I said "Oh, cool! Do you have my change?" that's when she began to stumble. "Uhhhh....I..ummm...well, uhh...actually, I had forgot my money..well, lost it, but I found it, so it's all taken care of!" Then Little Man piped in, "Yeah, I found it on the floor of the mud room yesterday after school and I took it right upstairs to her!" So I said, "How did you get your ticket without your money then?" and she said "Uhh, umm..well I didn't. I...uh...well I didn't hear what you said right and didn't know what you meant. haha!" I said, "WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME?! what a stupid thing to lie about? I don't care if you buy your ticket or not. If you do, you're going to go to the dance, and give me my $10.00. If you don't, you're NOT going to the dance and then you will give me my $20.00. Simple as that. I was just asking. You don't have to lie to me..." it went on from there...

and now this post has come full circle, and I am sure I've bored you all to death with my rambling.

Oh, and for the second time in three days someone has told me that they feel I should just turn my back and run from this whole situation. They've told me they are positive I am "ruining my life" tying myself down to a 40 year old man and his three kids. And maybe I should run. And maybe I am "ruining" my life.

But it doesn't feel that way. First of all, Bee and I spent four months apart, not as a couple. I tried everything I could to get as far away from him as possible and everything I tried, led me back to him. From people who were trying to date me that, without me even mentioning Bee and his team, told me they wanted to play for them, to one guy being his cousin. I felt drawn to him. I honestly feel this is where God wants me. Laugh if you want, but you're not me, so don't judge.

It feels to me, like this is something every parent of a child or children goes through. It feels like to me, that every marriage or relationship where you are raising kids has the same struggles. It feels like to me that fairy tales, where everything is perfect all the time is just a bunch of bullshit they sell to little girls, and that when those same little girls grow up and their relationship actually starts to take work, they throw their hands up in despair and quit on it.

To those people, especially the one whom I love very dearly, I say, mind yours. Let me handle me, and you handle you. If I am not getting what I need, or I ever evaluate my life and I am truly not happy, I will bow out at that time. I am the one responsible for my happiness, and I'll be damned if I will let myself not be overall happy with my life. It might not be what others think should make me happy, but it really doesn't matter what they think in the end, now does it.

As for everything else? Kids will be kids and I am learning everyday how to roll with it. The difference between me and most moms? I did not get the baby time with them to grow our bond. I did not get them when they were oh so giggly cute that just the memory of that time could stop me from strangling them today. So, I am working with what I have, and 99% of the time, we work just fine together, but everyone has their days, right?

Right.