Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I'll never understand it

I've kind of had my cranky pants on lately.

Mostly, with the kids. It seems every little thing they do good, bad, or indifferent, works my last nerve. I feel like every time I speak to them I am being mean or scolding them, or punishing them.

Last night, it took me 3 hours to get home because of a bad accident shutting the highway down. By the time I made it home I had a headache, I was in a really bad mood, and I had to pee. I took it out on all three kids and Bee. I don't really understand why I let things, little things, bother me so much lately. I think I need a break. I need sometime away with Bee, just the two of us. A week would be great, but I'd settle for just one whole day. I went to sleep, woke up this morning in a much better mood, but feeling really guilty for taking it out on the four of them. I apologized to all this morning.

Bee and I had a talk last night and I aired some of my frustrations. I really think things will be better now, and I plan on trying to let things go, or at least give it my best try ;) Which, brings me to the subject matter of this blog.

These three precious, smart, witty, intelligent, lazy, innocent, immature, mature, funny, crazy, kids are just kids. I was obnoxious too, once. In fact, depending on who you ask, I probably still am ;) But they didn't ask to be here. They didn't ask to be born, or be born to the parents they were born to. I am not their mother. I did not grow them in my womb, and give birth to them, yet through it all....the ups, the downs, the "They're driving me crazy and I could so totally just walk away" moments, I choose to be here. I love them. I love their father and even if you would have asked me last night while I was crying with frustration, I would still choose this. I would still choose them. Yet, their real mothers wont.

"C" and Little Man's mother was stealing for over 2 years from her job. Not to mention, she had been caught and gone through the legal system in some way or another twice before. She knew, without a doubt, what the consequences would be should she be caught. Each time she was faced with the opportunity to steal money, she knew that if she got caught, she would lose her freedom and her family. She still chose greed. Not once. Not twice, but several times over the years.

"J" decided over Labor Day weekend, that she was going to start spending every other weekend with her mom, just like she did with us when she lived with her mom. That is standard "Shared Custody" agreement. In fact, when her mother found out "J" was coming to live with us, she was upset and asked "J" if she was going to choose us over her and her sister. "J" said she wasn't choosing us over them, and that she was going to live with us during the week and she'd see her every other weekend. Well, Labor day weekend her mother informed her, "I can't handle you wanting to be here EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. I have a life too, ya know. Every other weekend is a whole lot to ask of me. I'm thinking more like once a month....maybe."

I have not had a child in my womb. I have not had that bonding experience of us being one, and then giving birth. I am sure the love, and the bond you feel to your child is immense. How can you not want to see your child? How can you not want to spend as much time with them as you can? I know they do stupid things. I know it's possible to get angry at them, but really? Not want to see them? I admit, I need a break from the kids right now, but when they or I am gone more than like 24 hours, I start to miss them a whole lot. I think I miss them sooner than Bee does, and they are HIS kids!

"J"'s mom really hurt her feelings. Her mom didn't call or even try to reach "J" at all until last night. She called out of the blue, at 8pm, and wanted to come pick her up fora little bit to "spend some time" with her. Really? You don't want your kid on a regular basis because you have a life (really? You are unemployed, living with friends, welfare recipient...how much of a life can you have???), yet her and the rest of us, are to drop everything to let you have her on a school night at 8pm. "J" didn't get home until 11 and she wakes up at 5:30am for school. She got up fine this morning, but still. I think it's incredulous...

It's not just Bee's kids either. I know lots of people who have kids where the mother or the father only want to be a parent when it suits them. Since when have kids become a fashion piece? Bee's ex wife and now, her parents (probably where she got it from) only are REALLY interested in the kids when they can show them off or use them for sympathy. It's sad, because the kids are the ones who suffer.

This is the reason for my new mission in life. My new mission is to really watch my attitude. Try, try, try, TRY my hardest to let the little things roll off my back, because I really do love these kids, unconditionally, and they deserve to not only know that, but feel it too because God knows, their real mothers can't be bothered.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

I do think that it is fate that you wound up meeting Bee, not only so that you could develop a relationship with him, but also so that you could love these kids like they were your own. They need it and absolutely deserve it. God bless you all! :)