Bee is going out of town Friday night and will come home Saturday night. He is going up to the woods with the guys. There will be male bonding, shooting of stuff, four-wheeling, more shooting of stuff, shooting each other with air soft guns, laughing, burping, farting, boob talk, beer, and MEAT on a Grill.
There was a time, not so long ago, where I would NOT have been happy he was leaving because how dare he want to get away without me? This is not the case anymore. He needs that. He needs good friends. These are good guys, and I trust and love them all like brothers. Bee will have a great time and he will come home happy, well rested, and missing me (especially after all the boob talk! No...not really. Ha Ha! We always joke. I don't have nice boobs, I have nice Bras ;) ) However, what will I do while he's gone?
There was a time, not that long ago, where I was a single girl. I had likes, interests, my own schedule to keep, and few responsibilities, and even a few girlfriends to boot. Now, I'll admit, I was never the type who had 5 or 6 girls to pal around with....but I had a few. If I wanted to traipse off to Michigan to visit my cousin, I did. If I wanted to make a slightly longer trip, I'd head south to visit my other friends/relatives. Not that I lived a life of adventure or anything, but I did stuff. MY Stuff.
Now? I can't remember what it is I like to do. Truly like to do. Sure, I do lots of stuff and I am always busy, but when I thought about it, it was busy doing things for others. Cooking, Cleaning, Laundry, busing people to and fro. Cheering other people on while they do what they are passionate about. I sat down yesterday and asked myself, "What is it I like to do?" Football immediately came to mind. No. I don't mind it. I like to watch Bee play, or "C". I like watching the games on TV with Bee, but that's not a true interest of mine. Not something that I personally am passionate about. Then, I panicked. I couldn't name a single thing. I am not involved in music anymore. In fact, it kind of bores me. Unless I have a personal interest in it (I know someone in the band etc), I have no desire to pay $160.00 for a pair of tickets (That's cheap) to go see whoever live. I listen to the same 20-30 songs by the same bands, and everything new sounds the same IE: boring.
Cooking? I cook because I have to. I don't mind it, and I am decent at it, but it's not a passion like it is for my mom. Baking? I can hook some shit up when it comes to baking, but once again, not really a passion. Scrap booking? Love the idea, lack the creativity or the patience. Sewing? Tried it, was ok at it, but I got bored, I lacked the creativity, AND it's an expensive hobby. I went through a whole laundry list of things and about the only thing I really came up with is I really like taking pictures. So, I decided to focus on that and hone my abilities instead of pointing and shooting and hoping for the best.
Another thing. I don't have any friends. Sure, Bee has friends who have wives. They're nice. We chat about our guys, football, and the kids. When the latter is discussed, sometimes they get a look of sympathy/compassion whatever because I can't truly sympathize with them because I don't actually have children. Then, when it's time for "girls club", or "mommy club" or whatever, strangely, my phone is silent. However, if you need something or think I might have the most current gossip, then we find my number again.
I have BFF Rose. She still is my BFF. However, things are different now. Not bad, not good, just different. I have kids between 7-17 at home. She doesn't. I live with my boyfriend. She doesn't. She has a College age kid, I don't. She is dating my ex boyfriend and that's weird. Now, I have forgiven them for crossing that line. If they are happy? I am happy. Really. I spent a little time with them as a couple for the first time on Sunday when they came out for the BBQ. Yes. It WAS weird and a little awkward, but I moved past it and was really nice to him and her (not that I wouldn't have been). Trying...However, I think she feels bad, still. I think she is having a hard time dealing with it. When we talk, she is different. I feel like she feels like she can't talk to me anymore because she doesn't want to upset me or "put it in my face" her relationship with my ex. So, she sits, strangely silent, which makes me nervous, and I prattle on about Bee and the kids.....endlessly...then there's the fact that she lives so far away. Ugh...
I want a girlfriend or two who can come over on a Friday night and have a glass of wine with me on the front porch. Or, I can invite over for dinner. Or we can grab a quick dinner out! Maybe a Lunch on Saturday. Someone who is close, who understands the fact that I am super busy and can't give her all my time, yet can still talk from time to time, loves my Bee and my kids, as well as me. How ideal if she didn't have kids of her own, but maybe was in a situation like me? Or that her boyfriend/husband got along great with Bee? That's asking for a lot of stars to align, I'm sure....but I just feel kinda lonely sometimes. Bee has his boys he can run off with and I am super happy for him, I just wish I had that too!
Until then, I'll just be at home. Cleaning and taking care of kids...that in their own ways (and I'd like to think, NOT on purpose...) have to remind me how much I am NOT their mom and never will be their mom...