Wow, am I bummed I didn't get to blog yesterday. I am kinda starting to become a little addicted! I saw a friend last night and I was telling her about my blog and how I really like writing here. I like having my own little place to talk about whatever I want and no one is telling me I talk too much or roll their eyes at me. I even suggested she start one. She has lots to vent about as well ;) So far, she is the only friend I told. Not that I have some big secret to hide, but I come here to get things off my chest, and while I haven't done that yet, there will come a time (probably today) where I want to use this forum for just that purpose and I don't want any one's feeling to get hurt, or whatever. I am not the best at voicing my feelings...maybe this will help.
This looks ugly, but it was actually sunny out! The Snow is melting!
Yesterday was soooo beautiful! It made it up to SEVENTY! I woke up about three minutes before my alarm went off. I was fully refreshed. That could be because the man and I went to bed at roughly 9:03pm which was three minutes after we sent the kiddos to bed.
I had to laugh though, because we got up, went into the bedroom, got in bed, cuddled and fell asleep. Back when we first got together (almost a year ago!!) We would have killed ourselves getting in there and while we might have went to bed at nine, there would have been no sleep until around midnight ;)
Anywho, I wake up, stretch, and sit up. I'm trying to get my "sea legs" and get the sleep out of my eyes. Patrick Butler is on T.V. In a hideous shirt giving the traffic report. Patrick is an old friend of mine from when I was a teenager. We go waaay back, and I like to text him and tease him about his appearance on TV.
I finally stand up and I go to the sliding glass door right by my side of the bed. I look up in the trees, and there he was. The Biggest freaking bird I have ever seen. Just then, he turned his head and stared at me. I kid you not, I lost my breath for a moment..
I grabbed my phone and called "B".
"Morning baby! What's up? Something wrong? I know you don't have the kids to the babysitters yet...what's goin on?"
"Baby! There is a freaking BEAR CUB with WINGS in your tree outside!"
"Oh God! You scared me half to death. Ha-ha! What's it look like?" (I could hear the hunter side of my boyfriend begin to salivate)
" I Told you! Like a F*&^king Bear cub with wings!!"
That's how the conversation went, until he deciphered that it was most likely a buzzard and lost all interest. I grabbed my camera and tried to take a picture of the fella, but he must have been camera shy because he flew off.
After that, I got ready, scooped up the kids, and took them to the babysitters on my way to work. I stopped and got a Dunkin Donuts Large Blueberry coffee, cream, no sugar. (THAT is my personal little piece of heaven ;) ) Dunkin Donuts is having a little scratch off trivia game thing where you can win stuff like donuts, coffee, and bagels. I answered my question right and won a free bagel. Score. I tucked it in my purse and drove away..
Now, here's the thing. I live on the "East Side". Even when I am staying at my apartment, it's still the "East Side". I work on the "East Side" and have for several years now (Part of the reason I moved out to this side of town..The other being "B") I used to live on the "West Side" (It was really the South side, but..people only know "east" and "west" out here...but I digress...) Traffic coming from west to east in the morning is KILLER. Especially traveling the route I had to go...which is the ONLY route. I used to be so stressed by the time I would get to work that it took me awhile to calm down. However, I almost prefer that to what I drive in now.
I know I am not the best driver. I, in no way, deserve a medal or anything. I also have my moments where I do boneheaded things, but really people? C'mon. The world, or at least the part of it that travel the same route as me at the same times I do, REALLY needs a driving lesson.
Everyday, no matter if I am going home or to "B"'s, I travel down one of two highways. Both of these highways are, for the majority of my trip, two lanes. But even in the parts that are three for four lanes, everyone does the same thing. They get on the highway, and speeeeeed over to the left lane...then sit, comfortable doing 60-65mph. Now, the speed limit is 60mph. Am I the only one who knows that yes, the limit is the law, but you have to go with the flow of traffic and not impede it? Not saying, if everyone does 85 then YOU Have to...but a comfortable 5-10 over the limit is standard. Also, the LEFT lane is for PASSING. Not Camping. I am OK if you want to go 75-80 and blow past everyone that you stay in that lane, but don't go 60 and ride in tandem with the car next to you on a two lane road and get mad when I am riding your tail.
Another thing that pisses me off...
Am I the ONLY person, left in America, who has a car that came with TURN SIGNALS Standard, and knows how to use them?? I swear to all things holy, that pisses me off more than anything in the world. Waiting to pull out of a driveway and waiting on that laaaassstt car, who, as they approach, turn anyway and you could have gone like twenty minutes ago. Or, when you are trying to get into another lane and the guy on the other side just comes on over without announcing, which makes me slam on my breaks and have a heart attack. OH yeah, and 90% of the time? You can turn right on red, so pay the f%^&k attention!
OK, now that THAT is outta the way...
On to the hurt feelings of yesterday...
So, last time "B" and I were together, we had some issues. I am sure we will always have these issues...it more of a I want the world to know we are together and happy. I want to put it on my facebook, my myspace, my blog. I want to have pictures of the two of us all around me. I want to be able to talk freely in public and online about us being together and what we did this weekend, or yesterday, or in the future, blah blah blah blah. "B", on the other hand, lives in a small town, that for being close to a big city, is VERY small minded. There are like three major churches in that town and everyone who is everyone goes to one of those churches. Church is BIG out there.
"B" used to be an active member at one of those churches. His kids were well known and liked (As they should be. They're good kids) and his wife worked there as the book keeper.....until she stole $160,000.00 from the church. She went to jail, he was ostracized. So, when we walk around out and about, it's not unusual for us to run into people from the church. They are nice to him, but it's very obvious it's fake and with contempt. All of this pisses me off. His ex pisses me off. The whole city pisses me off.
Listen, I am a Christian and I am proud of it. I don't belong to a church. I rarely pick up a Bible, and I can't quote you verses. But I KNOW Jesus died for my sins, and I accept him into my life. I don't do the above things because I am against it, it's just I am lazy haha! Anyway, I know what being a Christian is all about and these people are NOT behaving like one should behave. His wife pisses me off because she can't let go. Not that she loves him or anything. She wants to CONTROL him. She lost her control over him and that freaks her out. She had the life I have always dreamed of. Wonderful kids, a good husband, nice house, and overall, a good life and she wagered all of that, without thought or concern for her greed for "Nice" things. Designer bags, clothes, extravagant vacations etc knowing full well, she was taking all that stuff at the risk of losing her family, most importantly, her KIDS, and her freedom. She had been caught TWICE before...
I say all this because THIS is why he is gun shy. When we are out together, he gets stares, dirty looks, and I-am-smiling-at-you-and-talking-to-you-through-clenched-teeth-but-I-am-really-judging-you-hard-core type people talking to him. They ALL know his wife. They ALL still talk to HER and her parents (who actually stalk me..but that's another story for another day) They make life stressful and hard for "B". It's just easier if "everyone" thinks he's not with anyone...
Now, last time, he finally allowed "the world" to know about us. He got a lot of shit about it and therefore, we fought a lot. Things are soo good right now between us, he doesn't want that extra stress and neither do I.
However, "B" is a flirt. He's harmless really...but a lot of women like him. I am the jealous type. I'll admit it. That's just how I am. This DRIVES me crazy. He knows it, and I think he likes to do it to torture me sometimes. He has a lot of female friends. Most of them he has, at some point in his life, dated and or slept with. This ALSO drives me crazy. I am not friends with any male I have slept with. They flirt with him, and he flirts with them and all of it makes me a crazy woman...
We just got back together about a month ago. I was totally on board with the keeping "US" on the down low. Not hiding it from anyone, but just not broadcasting it. I had to warm my family and friends up to the idea. Not that they don't like him, they do....it's just they just worry about me. Anyway, we both agreed to take things slow. People would find out when they find out. That's been OK with me until yesterday..
Now, here's the thing. I will admit, it's getting close to "that time of the month". I tend to get sensitive with my feelings. I need extra lovin' on, and reassurance during this few days leading up to "The visit". "B" doesn't always understand that. It started so innocently..
I got out to his house after work. He was taking a nap. I went in the bedroom and laid down next to him giving him kisses. He woke up and we cuddled and chit-chatted and everything was fine. Then he asks me, all excited,
" So, did you see what I became a fan of today on Facebook?!"
I said no. So he pulls out his laptop and shows me. It was the Fetish Ball that was coming to town the end of the month. Now, let me just say, I am not a prude. I love sex. I like kinky sex, normal sex, passionate sex, love making, and F*&^king. However, I feel that sex, in all of it's forms, is meant to be shared with one person, and that's the person you love and it shouldn't be on display for everyone to see. It makes me a little uncomfortable, but if "B" wants to go, I will go for him. But something about the topic set my emotions off. I think it's because a friend of his is REALLY into that kind of stuff. Like, REALLLLLY into it...and I don't like her...at ALL. We (her and I) Had issues the last time "B" and I were together. She wants "B". Big time. And before we dated, he slept with her. I guess you could call what they had "Casual dating", but it meant more to her than to him...he opted for someone else...she didn't take it well. Now, she plays the "It's cool, we're realllly good friends bit...but she is salivating for the opportunity to try her hand at him again..
Anyway, he didn't even mention her, but that's who I thought of and it pissed me off. I just imagined him and I there, at the ball, and running into her. Her fat squeeeeezed into some ridiculously just-because-this-leather-outfit-comes-in-your-size-doesn't-mean-you-should-wear-it type outfit. She would smile at us with her tiny little yellow-haven't-been-brushed-in-forever teeth, and be all fake nice to me and try to hug me hello while trying to put her mitts all over my man, because, you know, this is the fetish ball and ANYTHING goes...
"So! You're gonna come with me, right?!"
"Um, sure! I'll...yeah, I'll go"
What's the matter? Why are you being weird?!"
"I'm not being weird. Why do you think I am being weird?
"I dunno. You just are. Quit being weird."
"How can I quit something I am not even doing?"
So, we go along for the next ten to twenty minutes surfing the web on our laptops playing on farmville...and I finally say,
"Soooo....IIIII think....that we have been together again for like a month...and....well...I think we should change our status on facebook to "in a relationship with each other" (Now, I know this sounds childish...it's facebook after all...and while I cared about it, I was really more looking for a verbal exchange to vent my feelings I was feeling at the moment..which were kinda out of place, I know..but they were mine and I was trying to own them.)
I'm hurt...yet oddly fueled...
He went on to talk about how we discussed waiting until the divorce went through (hopefully only a few more days...unless she appeals it...which is what she will probably do because she's a cunt). I informed him that is not in fact what we said. He might have thought that way, but we did not say that...we said until we were comfortable and knew "this" was going to work out, we'd wait. He's upset because he thinks there's "spies" on his facebook reporting on him to his wife...and giving her ammo to fight the divorce. I tell him everything we do, she finds out about because the kids are there and they are being kids and tell their grandparents all the fun stuff they do with dad and his girlfriend...and her parents tell HER. I am sure SHE knows we are back together if not from her parents telling her because I am sure the kids told them last weekend how they just got back from my house where I took them swimming in the indoor pool in my building, then she knows because her parents best friends live across the street from "B", and used to babysit the kids. I am sure THOSE Nosey Rosy's have seen my car there every night and have spread the news, if not pictures, down the grapevine.
I made a big deal about how I understand those reasons...but it's sucks because I feel like I can't speak freely again. How I have to hold my tongue because of his wife. How he is letting her dictate his life, and now mine and how she doesn't need reasons to fight him on the divorce because she is going to fight him anyway.....and how convenient it is that he can remain "single" to the outside world, giving his little girl friends permission to be overly flirty with him on facebook, and I have to have it in my face because, well, it's on FACEBOOK. That's when he said he would delete the whole damn thing if it really bothers me that much....
In the end, I settled down..he held me and told me how much he loved me and how if I give him a little more time, he will give me everything I want because I am the only girl worth it..then we went to practice as a somewhat happy family. It was over, yet I just kinda couldn't let it go. That's how I am though. I stew. I am a stewer..I also like to talk things out to death. Had he let me and I had been really fired up about it, I could have streched out that conversation for another four hours. I don't enjoy it. In fact, it's torture for me. But, I can't help that my mind gets going on something and can't stop...always imagining the worst. I am totally neurotic, I know. I am totally trying to get that in check too. I AM doing WAY better this time around though..ask anyone. However, I won't take all the blame.."B" should own some of it too for being a boy and not doing things he should be doing...Today I am over it...for now. But, I guess some things never die...but I can't help loving him and wanting to be with him...issues and all...
How can you stay mad at that face, or those pretty eyes??
Spring is here! You can tell by the grey skies, grey landscape, mud, and dirty snow. I'm not complaining though...
So today started off OK. Not as good as yesterday, but maybe it will end better. It is Friday, after all. But it started off kind of blah..
I woke up with my alarm. One thing I like about my alarm on my cell phone is it's very sooooothing. Like something you would hear in a Dinsey-esque rain forest. My alarm at home is like a honking bull horn that scares me awake every morning. Anyway, I had a really cute outfit planned for today, but when I woke up and saw that it was going to be sixty and rainy, I opted for jeans and a hoodie ("B"'s hoodie to be exact ;) But, he gave it to me!) I find it funny that I said "It's only going to be sixty today" like it's been Seventy plus for months...it's been like twenty, so I'll take the sixty any day. But, it was a hair washing day (I wash my hair every other day..) and I knew I wouldn't have time to dry it, so it was going to be a curly locks kinda day and so jeans and a hoodie would be just fine.
I got the kids up, got them ready, and off we went to the babysitters. I stopped after dropping them off for my daily Dunkin Coffee and decided to turn in my coupon for the free bagel from yesterday. I pull up to the speaker (I never go in anywhere if I don't have to. Call me Lazy...) and I order..
"Yes, Can I have one Large Blueberry coffee. Cream, no sugar, and I Have a coupon for a free bagel."
"OK! What kind of bagel?"
"with cream cheese, or without?"
"um, with, I suppose"
"OK! Pull around!"
I get to the window and the gentleman informs me of my total. It was $4.09. Now, I pay $2.09 for my coffee and that's exactly how much I had. I said that I had told the girl my bagel was supposed to be free. I had a coupon..she must not have heard me. The gentleman at the window said that in fact, she had and that the difference is just want they charge for cream cheese. I just about fell out of my car. TWO DOLLARS for a tiny packet of cream cheese?! I could go to the grocery store and pay that and get a TUB of cream cheese. I told them to forget it and just give me the plain, free, bagel. Even if I had the two dollars, that's ridiculous and I wouldn't pay for it.
Word to the wise, only go to Dunkin Donuts for their coffee!!