So, I have felt this feeling lately. Not really sure what it is. It's a feeling of restlessness. Of antsyness. Of yearning almost. But for what? I wasn't sure until I stopped and really pondered on it for awhile. I am almost positive God is calling. He misses me and, if I am going to be completely honest, I miss him too.
I was raised in a born again Christian home. We went to Church. We talked about Jesus. We prayed before every meal and at bedtime. I went to Sunday School and eventually was a member in the Youth Group. I loved it. I never felt closer to God then when I was a member of youth Group. But more on that in a minute...
My parents moved to their house in 1977. If you do the math, that puts them there three years before I was born. My parents were married in 1971. They had been trying to have children since then. They weren't having much luck. They thought they were "Christians", but they weren't "saved". They moved to their current home and their neighbors invited them to their Church. They went, and instantly knew this is where they belonged. God saved them, moved them, and moved in them in that little church.
They became very close with the other members and the Pastor. They became pregnant with my Brother in 1979. The whole Church rejoiced! My mom carried him to term and Jonathan Paul was born on November 9Th, 1979. Unfortunately, he was sick, and died 12 days later. My mom believes that God was proving himself to my parents. Proving that he can give, and if you are willing to believe in him and what he gives, he can take away, then he will bless you immensely. They had me a year later, and my sister five years after that. A lot of people across the United States, people my parents didn't even know, became followers of Christ because of my brothers death. One of those people was a staunch Atheist. God Works in wonderful and mysterious ways. The way my parents see it, if Jonathan's death brought at least one person to Christ, then sending him home to be with his Father, was well worth it.
I say all that because I was raised in the Church. My mom says I prayed that sweet prayer to Jesus when I was four, asking him to be my personal savior and live in my heart. When I was around 8 or 9, I joined the youth group. It was small, but we had a new Youth Group Leader. He was amazing. He showed me a way to love Christ that I had never experienced before. He showed me and the other kids just how God is willing to meet us on our path and walk with us. We had a fun and spiritual time. I felt so close with Jesus that it was like a physical presence in the room with me at all times.
Then, the Youth Group Leader had a disagreement with the Pastor and Left. Most of the Church left with him. The left over members were resentful because the others left. People started allowing space to get between them and God. The Church started to die. We left. My parents tried to go to a few other churches a few times, but it just wasn't the same. We grew complacent and sleeping in became more important then seeking God. I was roughly 11 at the time.
Now, I didn't read my bible during the next seven years. I didn't go to Church, but I knew God Existed, His son Jesus came and saved us all from sin by dying on the cross, and that no matter how "good" of a person you were, it didn't matter if you didn't invite him into your heart. However, that's about as far as it went with me and religion.
When I was 18, my mom started listening to Christian Music station on the radio. She started talking "churchy" again. She wanted to go to Church. My dad agreed and they tried the old Church again. There was apparently a new Pastor and he was supposed to be amazing. So much so, that people who left way back before we did, were coming back! We went and agreed and became members again.
I went back and while I enjoyed Church, I didn't feel close with God like I did when I was in Youth Group all those years ago. It wasn't the Pastor, he was great. Totally lead by the Spirit and the Word of God...it was me. It's like my head knew what he was saying was true..but my heart was having a hard time remembering.
When I was 23 I went to Koinonia. It's like a faith camp for adults. It was amazing. I really didn't want to go. The "Jesus Freaks" at my church were on me to go to the upcoming weekend. I was trying to avoid them at all costs...but they started calling me on my cell phone and at work! I finally agreed to go so they would leave me alone. I was angry when I got there. I was giving up a whole weekend to be with Jesus Freaks and I didn't like it one bit! Now, they were taking my cell phone and my watch and telling me what to do...It was going to be a long weekend!
I can't tell you what happened..it's against the rules (and would ruin the fun if you ever went) but it was the best weekend I had had in sooo long. It was also the first time I felt Jesus sitting next to me since I was eight. I know that's me, not Him, but still....it was amazing and I didn't want it to end. I swore after that weekend, I would not allow myself to stray that far again.
Well, here I am 29 years old. I don't go to Church, I don't read my Bible, and I can honestly say the last time I felt Jesus sitting with me was that weekend. I miss him. I miss that relationship. I find myself saying I'm too busy, but really I'm not. I mean, I've typed this whole blog entry out. This is time I could be drinking in the Word...alas I am not.
I told "B" the other day that I wanted to start going back to Church on Sundays. He agreed, but asked for some time to think about it. He's not sure if he's ready. He has some issues with Church...but, I think if I found a good one we both could like, he'd come too. The trick is, finding a good balance. I am Episcopalian. I like order, ceremony, Tradition, and a Church I go to MUST offer communion every Sunday and must teach the Literal teachings of the Bible. "B", on the other hand went to a more open and new age kind of church. Not the bad kind of New Age, but like the, "Non-Denominational" type Churches and that's a little too loosey goosey for me. I think if we can find a spot to meet in the middle it would be good for the four of us.
I know his kids long for Church and God like the used to have. Even if "B" won't go with us, I still would like to find a place the kids and I can go to. I want to get involved! Make Christian friends! Go to and have Bible Studies! But most importantly, I miss Feeling Christ sitting next to me.
That's my newest goal...please pray for me. :)
I took this picture at the top of a Mountian in PA. It's actually really cool. You can see it for Miles!"
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