My Sweet, Sweet, Love...

We will Just call him "B" for now...He really is my world. I love him and his kids so much that the four months we were apart hurt me so bad that I was just numb most days...but I'll get to that later... let's start this at the beginning...(Brace yourself, this a LONG one...)


How we Met


Well, That's a funny story actually..
I met him through his brother. I had met his brother at a local night club one summer. I had gone there to hear a band play that my friend was totally into and had been trying to get me to come check out for awhile. I was outside and smoking (a nasty habit I had for 15 years that I have since gotten rid of!) and I thought he was cute. I had a few beers in me and felt no fear so I told him as much. We started talking and it turned out he was in the band I had come to see. By the end of the night we exchanged phone numbers and over the next couple of weeks we exchanged text messages and phone calls. I went to several of his shows, we had One date, and we talked a whole lot. In the end, it didn't work out. He chose a much younger, more "Scene" girl to be with than me. I was OK with that...like I said...we had one date. We remained good friends and I would peep out his shows from time to time.

One winter, while his main band was on hiatus, he joined up with another band. They didn't really play my kind of music but, when the time came for their first show, how could I not go and support my friend? Not to mention, it was February in Ohio....there wasn't much else to do...It was at that show that I met "B".

My "BFF Rose" and I showed up to the dingy little club feeling a little awkward and out of place. While we can get down and dirty with the boys any day of the week, when it comes to going out, we are total "Girly Girls" which you don't see too much at these type of events. At any rate, we walked in, talked to my friend and his other band mates and then went to order up a few beers. While standing there, feeling like everyone was staring at us, my BFF Rose says to me, "Hey, Look! Look at That Guy! You should totally go talk to him. He is soo your type!" I told her I would do just that, because indeed, he was!

I sauntered up to him and as luck would have it, my friend was there talking to him as well. I noticed right away that he was staring at me, so I made some sort of joke about my band friend not introducing me to his other friends...and that's when he said, "Oh!, I'm sorry! This is my Brother, "B"!" After that, "B" didn't really leave my side. We talked. He bought me a few beers. Politely listened as I rambled on and on as I usually do..especially if I am nervous or excited about something. When it came time for the show to start, he, being a tall and stocky gentleman, bore through the crowd and got us a good spot to watch the band.

While the band was playing, I was dancing, shaking my tail feather, batting my eyelashes, giggling at everything he yelled over to me, I even kept "bumping" into him while dancing even though I had more than enough room to break dance if I wanted to... None of it seemed to work on "B". Like I said, He was polite and nice. He seemed genuine too...just didn't seem like he was taking my hint, or picking up what I was layin down as the saying goes. That's fine. I am not a pushy girl...so when the show ended and we all chit-chatted at bit, I mentioned how my BFF Rose and I were going to another bar...in fact, I mentioned this about 15 times...and no one was taking the bait...not my friend, and most importantly, "B" didn't seem to worried about me leaving. Didn't even ask me if I had a phone number he could have...or a myspace...nothing... So I chalked it up to the fact he was being nice to his little brother's friend.

As we were getting ready to leave, I asked my Band friend what the deal was with his brother. His eyes got wide and then he smiled and said, " Look, I Love my brother..he's a great guy and I feel he deserves happiness...but I also love you and from friend to friend? Stay away. He has so much Drama-in-the-LBC going on in his life, I don't want to see you go down with that ship.." Now, being someone who insists on living a drama-free life I heeded that warning with the quickness and said "Deuces!" and was out. I never once expected I would ever see "B" again and from the sound of things, I thought if I did, it would be too soon, as they say...


However, that's the funny thing about Life...


It was roughly three or four months later that I signed on to MySpace one day to find a friend request waiting for me. It was "B"! He had found me! I mean, not that it was that hard. I was all over myspace. Not to mention, I was all over his brother's MySpace...doesn't take a rocket scientist haha!

I accepted his friend request and that was about it. We posted public comments on eachothers Myspace here and there. Nothing personal, though. Mainly, it would be just funny pictures or "Hey, I totally agree with you! Liberals ARE the downfall of this country!" (My Political views are a post in it of itself for another day, HA!). I had also learned in this time of going back and forth and through bulletins he had posted bits and pieces of just what made him King of all Drama...

It seems he was married. He had Children. One from a Previous relationship who was a teenager, but lived with the mother. Two from his current marriage (Both under the age of 10, but school age) and he had one step child. Those that know me, know that while I LOVE Children...like really really love them....and want lots of them myself....when it comes to dating guys with kids...hell, even ONE kid, I'm like "see-ya later!". I have been there and done that and when it comes down it it, it just brings more trouble than it's worth because the "Baby momma" gets upset and starts jerking the guys visitation around and it becomes "Get rid of the new girl if you ever want to see your kids again" type game and the kids always win out (As they should) and I am left with a broken heart because not only have I lost a boyfriend, but I have lost the child(ren) too that I have become attached to.

To add to the fact that he was married with children (ha-ha!), His wife apparently had some problems with taking things that did not belong to her and had run into some legal issues. She was going to Prison. For awhile. That's what happens when it's your third offense...So, here he was, in all sense of the word, a single dad. He was used to having to go to work, come home, play with the kids a bit, and send them off to bed without worrying about anything else...now it was all in HIS lap. The Bills, The house, The Laundry, The kids, the keeping their schedules in order along with his, the pressure of what seems like the world putting you under a microscope, people who used to be your good friends won't even look you in the eye, let alone talk to you...needless to say..things weren't so sunny for "B".

I kept my Distance. He flirted a bit from time to time, but nothing to suggest to me he was serious. I started dating someone and we kinda stopped what little communication we had. Just from the information I gathered from Myspace bulletins and his personal page, he had started dating someone as well. They seemed happy. I thought, "Good for her! If she can handle all that, let her! He should be happy!" And he seemed so much more happy than he had in awhile.

Five months into my new relationship, it ended. I can't say I was sad. In fact, I was relieved. He wasn't right for me and he was pissing me off more than he was making me happy. "B" noticed from my myspace that my relationship ended and sent his condolences...shortly there after, his relationship ended as well. I was out of town one beautiful and warm weekend in April of last year visiting my cousin. When I got back, I checked my email on myspace and noticed that I had a message from him. He said that he was taking his motorcycle out on the town that night (He sent the message on Saturday...it was now Sunday) and he remembers that he promised me a ride "sometime" and since he was going to be in my neighborhood, did I want to go. He left his phone number and that was that. Now, I was just enjoying my freedom from the grasp of "Sir Boring and Judgemental" and did not want to start dating anyone exclusively just yet. Especially someone who had so much baggage going on. However, the ride on the back of a motorcycle was tempting...and with a cute guy to boot...so, I figured what the hell and sent him a quick text apologizing for not getting back to him sooner but I was out of town...here is my number..feel free to use it in the future...he text me back right away and that was it...we didn't stop texting the rest of the night..


Our Relationship


Well, my friends are flabbergasted to this day about all of this. Like I said, I don't do drama...so, why am I with a man who has so much of it and almost, at times, seems to thrive on it? Well, because I love him. That's why. I have learned you really can't help who you love. Love is also not what they portray it to be in the movies. "B" and I dated for six months. As it turns out, that night we met, he was really into me. He was trying his best to flirt, but he was rusty at it. He wanted to come to the other bar with us, but was awaiting an invitation. (To this day, we still tease eachother about it. We had LOTS of ups and LOTS of downs. It was a struggle. I am the clingy type. I'll admit that. In the beginning, he wanted and needed that. Once that "Honeymoon" phase wore off, I think it annoyed him. That only made me panic and cling even more. He was still married and dealing with the fact that while things weren't good while they were together, had they been able to still BE together, he probably would have tried to work it out. But her being in Prison and having to be there for a long time wasn't going to fly for him. He was hurt, angry, overwhelmed (She paid all the bills while they were together...apparently 6 months leading up to her arrest, she stopped paying them...he had no idea), his stepchild he had practically raised since the age of two went to go live with his dad because it was all too much. He was lonely, and was depressed. He hated her, yet loved her too...plus his young children only knew their mom and missed her and wanted to see her too. Add to that, me.

"B" never denied loving me. He told me he loved me all the time...and he would get this look in his eyes that told me he was serious. I used to tell him "Your eyes tell me you love me, before your lips get the chance". We were happy. In those moments when it was just us or when him, the kids, and I were doing something together, we were happy. In those quiet moments in the middle of the night when he would wake up to roll over, he would squeeze me close and tell me "I love you. I really really do. For realises, with forever on top!" In THOSE moments we were happy.

He wanted a girlfriend. He wanted someone just to love him and ask nothing of him. He needed help too. With the kids, with the house, with the laundry...and me being a nurturer...I dove right in. I took it all on myself. I, "Kitty Kitty Boom Boom" was going to personally, Save this mans life and single handily bring him back to happiness, and prove to him that real love and happiness DID exist! Well, I took on too much too fast. He was in a place he couldn't really give me what I needed, and without meaning to, he basically went from loving me and wanting me around as his girlfriend....to wanting me around because it was convenient. We started arguing a lot, I went from spending every day and night there, to hardly being there at all...and as a last ditch effort to "make himself" care like he did in the beginning, Spending all my time out there again. I wanted to move in...an idea he liked very much the first three months in...now it just left a bad taste in his mouth and he played the "Kids aren't ready for that, yet" card. So, I got my own place nearby and tried to save the relationship by myself.




How it all ended, How it began again and what I have learned

It was our six month anniversary. I know to those people who have been in year plus long relationships, 6 months is not a big deal..but to someone who hadn't been able to be in a relationship longer than 4-5 months...this was huge...

We had been fighting a lot lately...mostly in the last week or two. I was super frustrated with him. However, I have a hard time telling people my real feelings, so I don't think he knew just how unhappy I was. I don't like confrontation and would rather slap a smile on my face and be my usual happy-go-lucky, upbeat self then tell anyone I am upset with them or they hurt my feelings. I don't know why I am this way. I am working on it, though...because I have learned as I get older I am the only one responsible for my happiness and if I am not happy, I have to make the changes to make me happy.

Anyway, Friday night was rough for us. We fought almost the whole night. At one point, as we were leaving our friends house he straight up asked me "Do you want to hash this all out now?! Or do you just want to go home and go to bed and hopefully we can wake up in a better mood!" I cried myself to sleep that night. Saturday wasn't any better. We had tickets to the Circus that night and honestly, I was seriously considering leaving the tickets at the bedside with a note that said "Take the kids. Have fun. Oh yeah, and have a nice life, I'm done". However, I knew the day was going to be packed with things that had to be done and he would never be able to do all the things by himself. He had a meeting, Little man had a birthday Party (Which he STILL needed a gift for. "B" Was supposed to take him during the week because we weren't going to have time on Saturday...I kept telling him...) "C", his daughter, had a sporting event she was playing in, and I had to drive into work to get my annual flu shot that my company provides for free. If it weren't for the fact, the kids would suffer from my leaving that day in the morning..I probably would have...

I ran around, all day, stressed out, being late to everything (I HATE being late). He compounded things by texting and calling me adding more things to my to-do list..and when it was all said and done and I was exhausted and not feeling too hot from the flu-shot, instead of saying "Thank you, baby" He said flatly, "Welcome to my life". We went to the circus that night. I put on my happy face and all three kids and I enjoyed the circus. "B" was pre-occupied with his phone...his friends and team mates were down in West Virgina playing in an all-star game he sooo badly wanted to play in (and had been asked) but he had "tickets to the circus" and admitted through clenched teeth that "The kids come first".

We went home. We went to bed. In the morning I awoke and decided maybe it's my attitude! Maybe, just maybe, if I put on a happy face, I can make him happier. I got up, I made breakfast for everyone with a spring in my step and a tune on my lips. We ate, I cleaned up and the kids went outside to play. I sat in my usual spot to read while he played a video game. He seemed to be in a better mood...but that's when it came out...

"Baby, I'm kinda not happy..."

I knew it was coming..I was hurt and yet relieved too. He confessed he hadn't been happy. He felt like an ass because he was always yelling at me and he didn't know why. He loved me, but he felt like he was only keeping me around because I was a convenience to him. He tried seeing more of me, less of me, and more of me again and nothing was working. Then, the final nail in the coffin, "I am also not completely sold on the whole Marriage thing again. I might consider it someday...but it will be way in the future....also, Baby, I don't think I want any more kids".

Kids are a deal breaker for me. They just are. He knew this from day one. I Have wanted to be many things in my lifetime (I think that's why I never went to college...could never decide) but one thing has stayed the same since I was a wee-one...I want to be a mother. I LOVE his children. All of them. As if they were my own. I brag about them, carry around pictures of them, cuddle them, and love them as if they came from me. But, the reality of the situation is, they didn't. It is a biological URGE I have to be a mother. My uterus literally hurts when I see babies my desire is that strong. There were a lot of tears after that. From both sides...finally after what seemed like an eternity of silence, I quietly stood up, went to the bedroom and started collecting my things. He came in and hugged me...both of us crying...I slowly loaded up my car and he never once stopped me..This was it. For all my frustration, anger, and hurt, I was seriously effected by this.

He asked if he could still talk to me. I told him no. I make it a point to cut off all communication with my exes. Just better that way. Clean break. Tie up all loose ends...deal with the hurt upfront and you can heal faster. Well, that rule lasted about three hours.

I went home. I cried. I took down all of our pictures. I cried. I kept them, but put them away instead of throwing them out like I would normally do. I cried. I drank a bottle of wine. I Cried. I called my cousin, my best friend, and my mom, and I cried. Finally, he called me and we both cried. However, we agreed, better to end it now, then one of us give in to make the other happy, and end up resenting each other.

Over the next four months, I dated, hung out with my friends and family (Whom I had to make amends with for practically ignoring over the last 6 months because I was so absorbed with him) went out, partied, enjoyed my "single" life...but something was missing. The few guys I tried to date, as "perfect" as they were...didn't measure up because they weren't like "B". They didn't "get" me like he did or on the level that he did. I broke my own rule. I still talked to him. Mainly through text..but, we still talked. We even hung out. I told myself it was just for the sex ("B" and I always were perfect in that department lol) Yet, afterwards, I would cry every time he'd leave me. We tried to hash out many scenarios that would work so we could be happy and be together. However nothing was really working..

The week before Valentines Day, we went to a Basketball game. I had gotten tickets through my work. We were all cuddled up together watching the game and I made an off-handed comment about kids and how could he not want anymore when They were so cute. He told me he had been thinking a lot about it. He knew I wouldn't even consider coming back unless he would agree to having a baby with me when the time came. After much thought he said he realized it wasn't the having more children that he didn't like, but the idea of getting his Vasectomy reversed after seven years. The cost was a lot, and since it HAD been seven years, he wasn't sure he could even give me a child and he said that was really his biggest fear. Not to mention the pain is ten times worse getting it reversed than getting it done in the first place...and after we had babies, we would want the benefit of that form of birth control again...and he didn't want to have to get un-snipped, just to get snipped all over again. He asked if I would be ok with other options such as using a sperm donor and I told him I didn't care as long as we raised it together and he loved the child as if it were his biological child..

About a week later, Valentines day weekend, he suggested we get back together. Said he would have babies with me if I wanted them with him. We spent the whole weekend talking out all the other issues as well. His divorce is almost final (Huge point of contention the last time). Our time apart has also made him realize how much he loves me, how much he needs me, how much he wants to be with me, how while he loves his soon-to-be ex-wife as the mother of his children, he is not IN love with her and has no desire to be with her. He also realized the errors of his ways and would not make the same mistake twice.

I took some time to think about it, but in the end, I accepted his request. Why? Well, because like I said. I have learned that the only one responsible for my happiness is me and if I am not happy, I owe it to myself to find what makes me happy and then aquire it. "B" makes me happy. Plain and simple. Those four months without him proved that to me. Also, during that time, we were talking without the pressure of a relationship, kids, and all the other things we had going on. The times we hung out, it was just us..once again no pressure. It gave us the time to really get to know eachother in a way we didn't have time for before.

I have survived practicly living with this man. I have seen him at his absolute worst. I have also seen him at his best. I have had him and lost him and ya know what? I survived. This time around, I have learned I don't have to be so clingy. He really wants to be with me. I dont have to force it. I have also learned that he loves me. For Real. If I am at any point NOT happy with something, or if I am hurt, or feel slighted in any way, I have to fight the urge to swallow it, find my voice and speak up!! "B" is a very talented and smart man, probably one of the smartest people I know, but he is not a mind reader. I learned that while it's ok to jump in and help him out, it's not ok to do everything. If we do it together, it's less stress on both of us and that leads to less fighting and resentment. I also learned that my family and friends are super improtant to and I need to fit them in my life as well. Also, there is no "perfect" man out there like the movies tell us there are. If we hold out for "Mr. Perfect", we could miss out on "Mr. Not-so-perfect-but-will-love-you-better-than-anyone". I say Screw the movies. Screw the Drama-free lifestyle. At least it keeps life interesting :)

Are we perfect? No. Will we fight ever again? I'm sure. But this time around will we be less selfish and try super hard to work it out? I am 100% sure on that. Ya know, my mom always told me that when she met my father, she knew instantly that she would marry him and when I met the man I was to be with, I would just "know". Now, that night I met "B", I can't tell you I had that "This is the man I am going to marry" feeling...but he did leave an impression on me and I really can't see living my life with anyone else in the world. To me, that is good enough :)


More later, I suppose. But I have exhausted my fingers from all this typing for now.. :)